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How much time with the guys is too much?

I am a stay at home mom and I have 3 kids ages 3, 4, and 5. Its summer so I am home all day with them which is an adjustment because I have been working full-time until a few months ago. Anyway, my husband and I have been arguing lately. I guess I just need advice on if I am being unreasonable and maybe what to do. He spends 4 or 5 days out of the week with his buddies, one in particular that he spends a lot of time with. They hang out usually at my house and if I want to spend time with my husband I have to spend time with his friend too. They drink every time he comes over, while I put the kids to bed. Drinking and hanging out with his friend seems to have become all he wants to do. I feel very neglected but when I tell him how I feel it starts an argument. He thinks I am being ridiculous. I feel like I am the only adult in the house. We are both 30 years old. He works outside the home so I have all responsibility inside the home including the kids and cooking and cleaning. He feels like since he works that he should get to do whatever he wants when he gets home as long as he's at our house and not out talking to other women. But it feels unfair to me and I feel very alone. I feel like I have been replaced by this friend. I do not have friends, but also don't feel like I have time for them. I just want to feel like my kids and I are my husbands priority. Am I being unreasonable? What can I do to get my husband back?

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:33 PM on Jun. 12, 2014 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you had said that his friends come over or he hangs out for a few hours a couple times a week I would have agreed with him. But 4-5 times a week and drinking everytime? I don't think I would be comfortable with that either. Is he spending much of anytime with the kids and you?

    I would suggest though that you make some friends of your own. Finding a local mom's group is a great way to make friends that also have kids. So that you can bring them over for a playdate etc but still have time to socialize yourself. I would also talk with him and not approach it as a "I want you to spend less time with friends" but something like... "Honey I thought it would be great to set up a family night each week where we can play games, watch movies etc with the kids and us alone, and them maybe a "date night" each week where you at least spend time alone after the kids are in bed.

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 1:43 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • As two adults you need to sit down and tell him exactly what you've typed here (maybe even read him the question). It's important to have a list of exactly what types of changes you expect him to make. Be clear and precise, don't make them go on and on.

    He treats you this way because you continue to allow him to. Good luck

    Answer by momngram at 1:51 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • What you describe is definitely too much. And I don't care if he's working; he gets responsibilities too. Real Men do chores AND hold down jobs!

    I also love TNT's suggestion about setting up family activity night. If your community does any kind of family outings (ours does movie nights in the park), then pack everyone up to go there.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:59 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • Get him back as in before you had kids?
    Did he have this carefree thought process before kids?
    I'm blunt so "I" would be telling him we're not running a frat house here. I work basically 24/7 and you do whatever you want after your 8 hours are up,and this is no bueno. Either we do things as a family M-Thurs(or just minus the buddies) or we're going to have a problem here.
    He's not a single man anymore and this has to stop

    Answer by Matka_Kinder at 2:11 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • He spends almost no quality time with the kids. When he's home from work and not with his buddy he is watching TV. The only chore he does is mow the lawn. He spends time with me sometimes if we are not upset at each other. But I am always feeling like its because he has to, not because he truly wants to. I feel like he would rather spend time with his friend. I want him to WANT to spend time with me, and his children. I feel like he's being very selfish. Momngram, I do not allow him to, I tell him how it makes me feel all the time but he gets upset with me because he feels like it is unreasonable for me to feel this way. He is a grown man and I cannot make him do anything. I appreciate everyone's input. I do agree more family activities would help, its just so hard to take all 3 of them anywhere and it usually ends with him getting irritated with them.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:13 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • I've noticed that a good number of men figure that a woman's place is taking care of the kids and house all the time,and social times are for their friends. They figure they got you now,they don't have to do anything else for you besides work.
    What you need to discuss is how he sees you. I'd be asking if he just sees you as live in help,or as a friend,companion and life partner who deserves respect

    Answer by Matka_Kinder at 2:20 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • You know what you need to do. The minute the friend shows up. Leave the house. Only you. Leave him with the kids. Stop letting him get away with being a single man. The way he is acting. Start making the kids go to him for things. He gets pissed. Tell him they are your kids to.

    Answer by louise2 at 2:34 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • If he is spending more quality time with the friend then you and the kids. It is not right.

    Answer by louise2 at 2:35 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • Pick a night and plan to do something with a friend. Tell him one night in advance, and then do it. Let him be responsible for putting them to bed, making them dinner, bathing them and all the rest. Pleading with him will not help. You have to take some kind of action. If you can't think of anything else to do, go to your mom's house or go see a movie all by yourself. Just leave him with the responsibility. He is behaving like a spoiled child. You did not make those babies by yourself, and you should not be raising them by yourself. I would say one night a week to spend time by yourself is more than fair. He is not going to change his ways unless he is made to, and that is your job. Do not be hateful or vindictive, but do be firm. This is my night. This is what I am going to do. This is when I will be home. See ya!

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:54 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

  • That seems like an unreasonable amount of time BUT was he doing this before you stopped working? If so it will seem and be unreasonable now for him to change a long established pattern.
    This is just my opinion but he and the boys do deserve to hang out and do male bonding but once a week is more than enough normally.

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:56 PM on Jun. 12, 2014

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