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2 Bumps

Stepmother does not make you a mom!

Because you marry a guy with children does not make you your stepchild's new mother. A child has two parents their mother and father. I am not a step mom yet. If someday I do become one I would never consider myself a parent to my step child. I would be a aunt like role. Also when women say they love their step child like their own I find that insulting to their actual children. Why do some step mom's think they are a new mommy to their step children. Certain disclaimers do apply like if actual mom is out of the picture.

Answer Question
 
pinklove0015

Asked by pinklove0015 at 7:32 AM on Aug. 29, 2014 in General Parenting

Level 3 (20 Credits)
Answers (45)
  • I find it insulting that you believe an adoptive parent can't love their children as much as a bio child, which is what you are implying. If my ex marries I hope his new wife will assume the motherly duties while my kids are at his house. You should do what works for you and quit worrying about everyone else.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 8:16 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • I think it says it all with this tiny little bit in your question - "I am not a step mom..."
    It's one of those things that unless you have actual experience at it you can't possibly know about it.
    iamanon

    Answer by iamanon at 8:17 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • I agree with what both pps. have said! My daughter has a step mom (sorta) her dad isn't with her anymore however the step mom did have a child with dds dad. so when dd goes with her step mom to see her brother I fully expect her to be treated like her brother and for step mom to love her like she were her own!
    rachel216

    Answer by rachel216 at 8:31 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • maybe some counseling would help with your stepmom issues?
    seems you have a few

    I would hope that a step parent to my kids would love them as thier own. Would you have them resent or dislike your kids instead?
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 8:32 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • Luckily both me and my ex husband are not remarried so there are no step parents involved. I don't have any issues. being a step parent does not make you a parent. If the bio mother is ok with a step mom taking a parent role but if not then no.
    pinklove0015

    Comment by pinklove0015 (original poster) at 8:40 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • I am not a step mom. And am so glad I am not. It is not because I do not want to deal with the kids. It would be the mom.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:46 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • Sometimes a stepparent is more a parent than a bio parent. People make TOO MUCH of biological connections. They're unimportant except for tracking to make sure you don't inbreed; it's just genetics. Giving birth is not what makes you a mother. What makes you a mother is the love and care and taking responsibility for the child, whether you carried that child in your womb or not. I know stepmothers who are more mothers than women who've given birth to multiple kids.

    My husband will be the first to tell you his STEPmother was more a mother to him than the woman who birthed him. When his mother died in 2012, no tears were shed. She was irresponsible and abusive and never wanted him. His STEPmother will be mourned, however, because she worked hard to undo the damage from his mother.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 8:57 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • I hear ya! But, every family is different. It really frustrates me when people don't get this concept - just because your SO has children does not mean automatically that your involvement is needed/wanted/ required. That may seem harsh but my ex practically forced his new GF now wife into my face and on our children. They were young and just accepted whatever their dad said but it has caused some issues. I have no problem with her now because I understand that my ex, her DH, is the aggressive one and she just wants to please him (Ugh, better her than me). I think if you marry someone with kids, you have to evaluate what your role should be and be as respectful of the bio parents as possible. Be a friend, an ally, and/or an extra parent but understand the boundaries. In the event a bio parent can't parent, then a stepparent is a natural alternative and a blessing.
    HHx5

    Answer by HHx5 at 9:46 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • I'm not a stepmom or ever had one but to those who are and are the main provider this is very insulting.. Why would you not treat your step child the same you would your own.. I guess that should go the same with step dads in your case.. Your kids should be treated less then his own or he shouldn't play a dad role.. You should think before you speak.. I'd really hate to know how you feel about adoptive parents.
    mommys2cupcakes

    Answer by mommys2cupcakes at 9:50 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

  • Being a step mother does make you a MOTHER. That's why it's called stepMOTHER! Who do you think does their dirty clothes, cook, help with homework, cheer for them at games, listen to their hopes and fears, has a shoulder there to cry on when they break up with their boyfriend, etc when they are in their dad's home? Sometimes it's their birth mom but sometimes it's the stepmother even if mom is in the picture and a perfect mother. I'm sure dad would not appreciate it if the child called his wife the maid. There's no reason that they can't both be the childs mother. My children were adopted. To this day they know who their birth mom, grandparents, etc were & I'm good with that. A child can never have to many people to love. We are currently raising 3 of our grandkids. They call us mom & dad as well as their birth parents mom & dad. Their aunts they call sissy because that's what the kids want.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:35 AM on Aug. 29, 2014

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