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Should I have a personal talk about my newfound love to my son?

Im a single mother of a nine year old boy, who has never met his father (deadbeat dad). I was not in a relationship for a couple years and have been 'sneaking around' with somebody for almost a year now. My son has met my boyfriend enough times now and they are comfortable around each other. I have never told my son that he is my bf tho, just that hes a friend.

My boy is smart and he's going to figure it out eventually. Should I sit him down with my bf and explain to him that he's my boyfriend and that he may be around more often and ask him how he feels about it? Or should I just go about my business???

I guess im afraid of how he might feel once he realizes he's not the only man in my life.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:17 PM on Feb. 22, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (11)
  • If you see this as a serious relationship then I think its time to talk to your son about it. But if its just a maybe or your not sure yet then wait on the talk please. My mom dated when my parents divorce. Everytime she started dating someone, she would tell me this was the one and get me to meet his family and such. Then they would break up. I felt like I was going through the break ups with her. It would have been much easier on me if she would have just waited till she really new that she was ready to possibly marry one before I got to involved with them. If your son has been around him alot and you and the SO are really serious, then I am sure it won't be a shock to your son and he will be cool with it.
    momofpurebliss

    Answer by momofpurebliss at 10:27 PM on Feb. 22, 2009

  • I saw you wrote that you would sit him down with your bf. I think this should be a talk between you and your son. That way he wont feel awkward to say anything in front of your boyfriend.
    momofpurebliss

    Answer by momofpurebliss at 10:28 PM on Feb. 22, 2009

  • Communication is one of the best things you can have with your kids. Definately be honest, but let him know that he is still your #1 son and NOBODY will ever replace that! As your son becomes a teenager and grown man, wouldnt you want him to be honest with you? We are the best examples for our kids and whether we know it or not, we are always teaching them by what we do.

    Then, make sure you spend one on one time with just you and your son, so that he knows he is not loosing you.
    momjs

    Answer by momjs at 10:29 PM on Feb. 22, 2009

  • i think it should be a one on one talk with your son if your really serious about this guy. like you said "he's a smart kid" hell be more hurt if he figures it out on his own.
    Chandra034

    Answer by Chandra034 at 10:31 PM on Feb. 22, 2009

  • Just from my own experience, I went through the same thing with my son a couple yrs ago.... His dad vanished when he was 6, and now he's 12, anyway.... I sat down with my son, told him all about the boyfriend, from the kind of car he had to what what his sense of humor was like... I tried not to leave out any detail... I didn't ask him for permission, i told him if he's uncomfortable around the boyfriend then to please tell me... Then I went with what my boyfriend, hubby now, told me, he said " my son doesn't have to prove himself to him, he has to prove himself to my son". They love each other very much, he calls him Dad now and you will know if it's right... There was never any pressure, not on my son or my hubby... They are as close now as if they were biologically connected, I'm so proud of both of them... And so blessed to have them both in my life..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:32 PM on Feb. 22, 2009

  • Yes, you should talk to him. Chances are that he has already figured it out.
    Marwill

    Answer by Marwill at 9:41 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • Have a talk with your son, tell him you think (insert b/f name here) is pertty important and does he have a problem with that? If he says no, end of discussion. If he says yes, explore the problem(s) and see where that takes you. You said he's a smart kid, and comfortable with the b/f so there shouldn't be any problems. Most relationships slip from "friends" to "boyfriends" fairly smoothly without a whole lot of problems from the kids. At least till they become step-parents, which is a whole other thing.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:54 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • Your son has already figured out the man is your boyfriend. Just go on a date with Boyfriend and bring your son along and when you run into someone introduce your man as your Boyfriend and your son. Be casual, better than being dramatic. Then be available if your son has any questions later.
    lizrider

    Answer by lizrider at 3:49 PM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • I 'd ask him how he felt about the guy if you are really serious. Then I'd ask him how he'd feel about you moving from friend to something more serious with him. Kids appreciate you taking their feelings into consideration. Not sure if you heard about the 11 yr old who shot his dad's girlfriend recently. Perhaps they should have thought of the boy's feelings there and made sure he was ok with her.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:56 PM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • Even though I agree with you that this is actually a big deal, I wouldn't over-dramatize it to your son. You say he has met this guy before as your friend. Do they get along? If you make too big a deal about it, your son may feel threatened. But I agree that your son should know, and that you should tell him yourself at first. Just be more casual about it....and let him ask questions if he has any. Reassure him that it doesn't change anything about his relationship with you! That is the most significant part of this whole thing. Your son needs to know that you will always be there for him no matter what. I would continue being discrete about sleeping with your boyfriend, though. Take things slowly in terms of how much your son has to deal with at one time. Just keep your personal matters off your son's radar...I don't think kids should have to deal with things that are over their heads.
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 9:07 AM on Feb. 24, 2009

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