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I need help on discipline, when is it too much, my husband and I do not agree on how to discipline or when, we have three kids 15,13, and 8 months. It is to the point I have thought about leaving. Suggestions (don't say counsoling he will not go)

I think he is too hard on the kids. Sometimes he will treat me as if I am one of the kids as well. Telling me what I need to do etc.... I didn't think he was being fair one night and told him that both of the kids needed to help take the trash out, he favors the 13 yr old and that especially since the 13 yr old had just lied to us. When he told me not to question his authority. But then if I step back and stay out of things he will tell me I don't discipline and thats why they are like they are. I think they are just reacting to how he is, he calls them names, degrades them etc... and then when they rebel he gets upset and mad. I told him they learn that from him, that he is suppose to be the role model but it doesn't seem to matter. I don't know how to get thru to him but I am tired of the screaming yelling name calling etc..... HELP

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MommaB0334

Asked by MommaB0334 at 10:22 AM on Feb. 23, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 6 (121 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • Perhaps if you quietly tell him (show him) the examples you refer to. Um...say he is throwing a fit about something and is going over board with it, point it out to him. Not in a judgmental way, but more of a observing way. Also the two of you need to work together as a team. My husband and I had problems with the same issue. Finally one day we both sat down at the kitchen table (while the kids were no where around, and wrote down a list of the general rules. Then we discussed how we should discipline for specific behaviours. Ex. my daughter lied to me. For this action we agreed that she should be grounded from t.v., video games, and phone. Basically if you can reach an agreement write it down so that the kids and parents know the consequences for the actions. I hope I have helped in some way, sorry if it is a bit confusing, with any luck you will understand what I am trying to say. LOL! Good Luck!
    angelwings63050

    Answer by angelwings63050 at 10:35 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • I would be out the door if my husband treated me like that and our kids like that.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 10:35 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • I am sorry you have to go through all of that. I can't really tell you what to do but if it were me, I would try to prepare and leave. You and your kidshouldn't have to suffer.
    hannahwill

    Answer by hannahwill at 10:44 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • I think you and your children have the right to leave, lets face it sometimes one bad apple ruins the basket and it may give him a clue about how to treat his children B4 they are all grown up. After all, they will grow up and he needs to have a good rel w/ them and it sounds like he is off track. If you leave and let him know his disrespect to you and the kids is why, he may learn something and you all might have a better life, then again, he sounds like a know it all, Good Luck and may God be with you and your family..
    KARRIEMARIE

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 11:02 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • OH Men are such a wondrous thing aren't they?! LOL Really, sometimes you have to teach your man like you teach your children! My heart goes out to you! Here is my suggestion....men do not respond to anything they construe as nagging, they do not respond to negativity - pointing fingers, they do respond to respect (often undeserving of it), ego stroking, and positive reinforcement. I would plan a date night, just the two of you, make it a positive atmosphere. Your hubby doesn't know proper conflict resolution nor how to fight fair. Start by telling him how much you love him, how you honor your marriage vows to him, how you appreciate all the times when he does (you fill in the blank), then say I have deep concerns that we aren't in sync with discipline of the children and we need to come up with a plan that both of us can agree on for the children. (continued)...

    blessed5x

    Answer by blessed5x at 11:23 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • (continued).....let him know how important it is to teach by example, come up with a House Rules plan with your hubby and violations will result in whatever punishment you both deem appropriate. In the House Rules make sure that it is included that no one is to demean, call names or raise their voices at one another, that each one is to treat the other as they themselves want to be treated. This includes the parents! Violations are .... (you fill it in). Let him know that a "fresh new plan of action" is necessary for respect, honor and peace in the home. That way boundaries are set, clear rules and chores are set, and no one is confused as to what duties and what behaviors are tolerated / intolerable....! Let him know that you are his helpmate, not his child and want to help him with his role as the authority figure in the home. Let him know how you feel in a loving and admiring way, this appeals to a man's (continued).

    blessed5x

    Answer by blessed5x at 11:29 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • (continued).....ego. They always need stroked. Be gentle but firm. It is a form of abuse, what your hubby is doing, and he may not know that. Trick here is that unfortunately, it is us Mom's, Wives, Woman who carry the load for the world. We set the tone in our homes. After your nice date night and talk / plan of action, take him home, give him some some and he may soften up. If he is perceptive and your gentle wisdom guideance works, then great. If not, you need to take the next step, and when you cross that bridge let us know with an update. We teach people how to treat us, teach him how to treat you as his helpmate, not his child, teach him how to treat your children. Mom's are notorious for making excuses for our children, don't do that and never question his authority in front of the kids or within ear shot of the children! Prayers are with you, sending you hugs!
    blessed5x

    Answer by blessed5x at 11:34 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • Some men can be idiots. I'll be honest. But it's your job as a mother and woman to put your foot down. You don't have to be loud and argumentative with him but he needs to know to bring that down a thousand.
    There was a time my Husband wasn't allowed to discipline the kids. I didn't like his tone of voice and had to let him know it doesn't work that way. He got the point and started acting like he had some sense. Those are kids they didn't ask to be here so if your that annoyed at them then get the hell out. t sounds harsh but I don't play games.
    mommatime78

    Answer by mommatime78 at 11:53 AM on Feb. 23, 2009

  • He is verbally abusive and you should leave.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Feb. 23, 2009

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