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A friend just told me she's pregnant...

...and she also told me she's about 90% sure she wants to get an abortion. The other 10% is stemming from the excitement her fiance showed when she told him.

I really want her to have this baby! I am pro-choice, and a very supportive friend.. but she is 30, and I'm just wondering what is she waiting for!? She does (eventually) want kids. She would make such a good mom.. she is so loving. She feels as if she is still too immature though.. and is beating herself up for not being more careful.

I'm not sure what to tell her. I just have this gut feeling like she should keep it and have it.

Should I just stay supportive, or state my opinion?

I'd really appreciate some advice. I know it's not my life.. but she is a very close and good friend of mine.

 
anestheticsex

Asked by anestheticsex at 1:12 PM on Dec. 2, 2015 in Pregnancy

Level 27 (30,799 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I suspect she just needs time to sort out her inner turmoil at discovering she's pregnant with an unplanned baby... Just be there for her - no opinions :)
    goldpandora

    Answer by goldpandora at 5:12 AM on Dec. 3, 2015

  • I'd support her either way she chose. This is no simple decision for anyone.

    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 1:21 PM on Dec. 2, 2015

  • Tell her if we waited for the "right time" we'd never have kids
    Matka_Kinder

    Answer by Matka_Kinder at 1:18 PM on Dec. 2, 2015

  • I would just tell her you understand that she is scared, but that there may not be another time. At 30, her clock is ticking. Sometimes we don't get to choose when. Sometimes things happen for a reason. That if she ends the pregnancy, she may regret it the rest of her life & it's not something she can undo.

    I'm curious tho, if her fiance' is excited about it, why would she want to terminate the pregnancy? Is it just timing?
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:32 PM on Dec. 2, 2015

  • I think you can tell her your feelings but clearly own them as yours. There are plenty of times our loved ones will lean in directions that have our hearts in a knot. Or it feels like our hearts are in their hands (even when the issue doesn't directly involve us) simply because of the love we feel for them, and because of our own deeply felt beliefs & perspectives. We can't know what's right for someone else, even when we "KNOW"! What we are knowing is what we feel, think & believe. And that's valid!
    There is a way to be honest & candid with someone while also recognizing & fully honoring their autonomy..not expecting to hold sway, or for there to be a specific outcome since you revealed your opinion. It's the concept of No Strings Attached.
    Supporting someone doesn't mean withholding personal feedback. It means being able & willing to accept their decision, and not expecting them to choose something based on your wishes. HUGS
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:40 PM on Dec. 2, 2015

  • But I would put a lot of energy into really understanding & empathizing with her. "About 90% sure she wants to get an abortion" is a very heavy reality! I would want to really "hear" someone who is in that place, listening & grasping what she feels that puts her strongly wanting this, or strongly doubting the choice to become a mother right now. I would want to let her "be" that, give her full permission.
    I think the best thing you can do (even possibly when it comes to supporting the outcome you most hope for) is help a person connect with her own thoughts & feelings, really give her company during a hard/stressful time so she's able to hear herself, see her thoughts, and engage them herself. This is what "processing" our feelings IS and it's hard to process them (which involves having them & engaging them!!) when we are basically caught in defending them against arguments or opinions (whether from others or internal voices.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:50 PM on Dec. 2, 2015

  • Basically, the part of her that is very touched by her fiance's reaction may be her "true" self speaking, it may be her heart pulling her, but if she silences or turns away from the other strong parts of herself out of a sense that she "has to" or "ought to" because of his joy, then she may be disrespecting something very important. Something that, given the time, attention & space, might even have led to the "same" outcome (but with a very different feel)! And there is fallout from silencing or invalidating a part of yourself out of a sense of obligation or a sense that you "should."

    Thinking you "have to" do/decide something because of what someone else very precious to you wants is a kind of self-coercion that has eventual backlash. Getting there yourself because you process all your own resistance & negatives is very different. (As is getting to the place of really owning the opposite decision through processing it all.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:07 PM on Dec. 2, 2015

  • I wonder if she'd consider having the baby and putting it up for adoption.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 10:11 AM on Dec. 3, 2015

  • Don't tell her anything. Let her do what she wants.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:38 PM on Dec. 2, 2015

  • Thank you for the good advice and tips :)
    We hung out all day and I told her I'd support her no matter what.
    Before she even came over, she said she thinks she's going to keep it now. I'd be so happy for her!
    But like I said, either way.. I'm there.
    anestheticsex

    Comment by anestheticsex (original poster) at 8:01 PM on Dec. 2, 2015