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2 Bumps

Good morning Ladies, in need of advice.

The divorce between my daughter and her ex partner has ended, it is over, and so much is happening now that my stress level has skyrocketed. Kye is a ping pong ball from one place to another, my daughter's ex rented a room at a friends house and this is where she goes when she takes her three days a week. The problem is that there is no structure, and no stability for Kye..before this woman had anger fits over the most insignificant things and Kye had my daughter to run too to get away but now, her anger is much worse, and those three days she spends with her has changed her into a very angry little girl, and my daughter gets her back on Sundays, and she is is angry to the core, until we can stabilize her.
In her irrational behaviour she is blaming a 6 year old that lives in her now home as the culprit of Kye's actions, who does this? it is never her doing, never her fault, according to her she does everything right.....this is her MO, she has prohibited Kye from playing with her because she feels the little 6 year old is a bad influence, and when she brings her over on her days with her, she will cover Kye's eyes so she won't see the little girl when she comes in, who does that? and how can anyone think this is right? Kye loves that little girl and she has made her transition smoother, but the ex wants to take this away?
I stood silently until I could no llonger take it, wrote my daughter's ex a message telling her all I had inside, first paragrah being that I wanted her to cut the crap with the Judas kiss she gives me everytime she sees me, it boils my blood because I know she dislikes me and the feeling is mutual..I spelled out all the things she had been doing wrong with Kye and to please think of the child instead of herself because she is hurting Kye, not purposefully but being guided by her selfish ways and never making her as a priority.
I let it all out, 9 years of walking on eggshells around her spurted out like a bomb through my words.
Now the ex's mother called me to ask me why I had told her daughter she did not love Kye, and immediately I knew that this conversation was not going to happen, so all I did was tell her that this was the one thing I did not tell her, and told her I wasn't about to talk about it with her, and rudely hung up the phone...I later apologized for the rudeness and told her I would much rather be rude than hurt her, because I had nothing nice to say about her daughter, and I respect her too much for this....
Of course the ex had a fit because I was rude, but I wonder if she even realizes the rudeness I had to put up with for the last 9 years! I know she doesn't her MO is ME first and the hell with the rest....
I feel liberated in many ways, I feel at peace, I felt someone had to spell out what we are all feeling but were afraid to say in fear of an irrational anger fit, I had nothing to lose, my little angel will still come to me for care, I still get her 3 days a week now, and try to undo the damage done in those days she stays with the ex. I told her mom that I do not give a rats ass what anyone thinks of me for speaking out, all I care is the well being of my grandaughter.
So there is the story, now tell me would you have done it differently?

 
older

Asked by older at 7:24 AM on Apr. 7, 2016 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 69 (2,285,492 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • I think you were perfect. ONLY thing I would add: SInce the ex seems poisonous, I'd be telling your daugher to take legal steps to get the ex OUT of Kye's life for good. And this has nothing to do with sexuality... I'd say this in ANY "ex" situation where the child is being damaged in the way you describe. Sometimes having two parents is the WORST thing that can happen to a kid.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:33 AM on Apr. 7, 2016

  • I think I would have exploded LONG before you did. I have a short temper and DON'T put up with bullshit for long.

    I agree with gdiamante, get the ex OUT of Kye's life. She's toxic and that little angel doesn't need that. Document, document, document. Maybe video record Kye's behaviors and anger when she returns to y'all, and then again before she goes back to the Ex to show the contrast.

    By the way, Happy (belated) Birthday to Kye! The 6th is an AWESOME day for a birthday.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 10:52 AM on Apr. 7, 2016

  • Not at all. Good for you and I hope this brings some closure to you, my friend. You needed to say that to get it off your chest. This is well deserved therapy.

    I'm hoping for the best for Kye.....
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 8:35 PM on Apr. 9, 2016

  • You were completely w/in your rights to lay it all on the line. I bet it was cathartic too. I wonder if a court liaison or guardian ad litem would step in and revisit the whole visitation schedule. After Kye has a few sessions w/ the child psychologist, maybe they could recommend the ex take parenting classes, and have supervised visits until those are completed. Once Kye is old enough to start school, your dau should have full custody anyway, so that her routine will not be disrupted.


    So sorry you are dealing with all of this.  Esp. w/ the added stress of watching your mom go thru that horrible illness.  I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.   Wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better for you and your family.  Hang in there.  Kye is lucky to have you!  *hugs*

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:22 PM on Apr. 7, 2016

  • Yes, Kye and I share a birthday.....a couple years apart. :)

    Lots of love from this Momma to you and your family.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 12:16 AM on Apr. 8, 2016

  • I don't think I would be sorry for what you said to the ex's mother. She asked, you answered. You are all adults. Our experiences with other people are our own and how we think about it and process it are individual. If she doesn't understand why, then it's clearly in the dynamic between you and the ex.
    As for what to do about Kye. What days does the ex have her? Is there any way you could have her have her drop off after visitation and your D pick up from the therapist's office so she / he can see first hand what the behavior is after a three day visit with her other parent? There is probably a lot you could do within the court system if you wanted to go that way, but I imagine you only want to do that if you have to.
    One would also question why she would choose to live in a house / apartment where there is someone she considers a 'bad influence' to her D. That wouldn't sit right with me.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:41 AM on Apr. 10, 2016

  • I am with Rose I would have went bat shit crazy long ago. Good for you for finally letting it all out. Thankfully this little one has an awesome Grandma.

    Older I hope this gets better I hate thay you have to go through all this.

    How is your Mom doing?
    DJDNY

    Answer by DJDNY at 12:59 PM on Apr. 7, 2016

  • Counseling Is what she needs.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 9:34 AM on Apr. 8, 2016

  • If Kye is going thru this with your dd's ex then you might want to consider getting Childrens Services involved. What she is doing to this little girl is a form of abuse. No little girl should have to go thru that.

    I wish you all the best of luck and hope this can get settled soon for Kye's sake.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 2:43 PM on Apr. 7, 2016

  • Ladies thanks for your comments, my daughter seems to think that taking her away from her second mom would do more harm than good, Kye loves her and in her own peculiar way mama does too, she is just so messed up personally and has no idea how to deal with Kye, for her first three years she never got to spend a whole day dealing with this toddler, all she did was come from work at 8:30 or later, get home give her a bath and put her to bed, up until 3 months or so ago did her real parenting start. and she is at a loss about parenting in everyway, but my daughter seems to think that she will take her life is she takes away Kye...in the mean time the child is suffering.
    What we are planning to do is get her a child phsycologist, the ones called play phsycologist which goes to her environment to watch her in action..of course the ex will be in her best behavior is going to be in her best behavior when this happens,
    older

    Comment by older (original poster) at 3:47 PM on Apr. 7, 2016