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Letter to the ex that won't sign after 2 1/2 years. No bashing. Not in the mood. Genuine responses.

I spoke to my lawyer today and inquired on how much it would actually cost for you if our Agreement went to court. She quoted me an estimate of $25,000.

Every additional cent I spend on this, I consider is taking away from money that could be going towards the girls. So it kills me, little by little, day by day. Every question I ask her or revision on the current Agreement, takes away from the girls. I was reluctant on spending the $2000 to file for the child support and the $10,000 that I’ve already spent is kind of depressing - add on the other $22,000 I have spent on these loans we have since we separated, another $25,000 seems unreasonable when we are both grown adults, spending more money is not hurting each other. It’s only hurting the girls.

When we first separated, I laid out all the arrangements as per the Agreement we first came up with. You didn’t finally demand to see the girls until you moved out of the house. I have tried to work with you on visiting and have been completely flexible when you have a meeting pop up or if you’re running late or can’t come at all. I have been patient with the money and the girls have not wanted for anything. I have kept their routines, their schedules, their grades, their life as unaffected as I possibly can. They are well rounded, well behaved, healthy, wonderful girls.

I want you to step back and look at our life together. I want you to understand. I want you to acknowledge how many pre-natal appointments you went with me, for either child. I want you to tell me how many diapers you changed, how many feedings you fed. I want you to tell me how many times you drove the girls to school. Or how many times you took your son to practice; baseball, football, basketball. Or how many times you were behind the wheel with Brittany driving. How many times you stayed up late working on homework or studying or changing sheets when a kid was sick or playing the tooth fairy. These were not all “my jobs.”

I pleaded for help around the house. For you to take out the trash. Do you remember how high it piled up? I pleaded for menu suggestions - for a clean toilet - for help bringing in the groceries. Do you remember slamming the door as you walked out because a meal wasn’t up to your standards or something you wanted to eat? Do you remember telling me that, “you had a maid” and that you would “hire it out” somewhere else? Do you remember the Craigslist Ad’s you placed advertising for an “Encounter.” (Probably not, I deleted it). Do you remember Ursula sending you sultry pix to your phone and then saving them to your computer, even before the separation? Do you remember renting that hotel room while you were still living here and not taking advantage of the continental breakfast? Do you remember the teacher you met on Match that was so loud, and that you knew she enjoyed it? Also, while you were still living here. Do you remember the huge snow storm that left the girls and I stranded without heat or power for 15 hours and the “girlfriend” that suddenly popped up on one of your “sites.” Do you remember pushing me in the face because we couldn’t agree on a parking space?

You had your own agenda. You went on your hunting trips and fishing excursions, your motorcycle rides…and it was just the girls and me. They found their interests and are building a fabulous foundation for a life for themselves. They don’t need arguing, divorcing parents to interrupt their success.

The Agreement is fair, to them. Step back and look at everything in their eyes. We are just puppets in their play. Chauffeurs to their world. If you push them any further, you will be pushing them away from you. This, is not my doing. This is their home. This is their life. We should be happy for them and support them.

If you have the $25,000 to go ahead and proceed - we can do that, or we can work it out without the courts. I don’t have that right now because I am still paying for your refinanced truck, your 2015 taxes and your past hunting trips that we couldn’t afford way back then.

Let me know.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:00 PM on Mar. 6, 2017 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • There is a lot of hate and malice in this letter. Cut out the bull shit about diapers and hunting trips and all that garbage and get down to just the facts: In order to proceed with the divorce, you need an additional $25,000 for the lawyer, or settle this out of court.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:10 PM on Mar. 6, 2017

  • This letter might help you feel better but it isn't going to get you anywhere. You are trying to lay a guilt trip on your ex to make yourself feel better. I agree with Rosehawk, you need to get down to the essentials. And pleas stop saying "the girls". You make them sound like pieces of furniture. Call them "our daughters" instead. It sounds less callous.

    I also suggest counselling to help you let go of all of your baggage. It is only going to keep on stopping you from moving forward with your new life.

    Answer by goldpandora at 5:07 AM on Mar. 7, 2017

  • Are you not divorced and trying to get him to sign the divorce papers?
    Why are you paying for the loan on his truck?.
    I would go to see him personally and drop all the backstory. He knows what his life was. All you want from him is to sign the agreement so you both can go on with your lives and the children can not be caught up in drama.
    The focus is to think about the children and HIS freedom.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:01 PM on Mar. 7, 2017

  • What are you trying to do? Divorce him or is this about CS and visitation?

    Answer by louise2 at 1:15 PM on Mar. 7, 2017

  • I agree with Rosehawk. There is a lot of stuff in there that seems like you are trying to induce guilt. If he's truly as selfish as you make him sound in your letter, he's not going to care.

    Are his loans that you are paying off also in your name? If not, let him deal with them. Obviously, if your credit will be dinged by his failure to pay then you have to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself financially.

    I'm not sure how the courts work where you are, but in a lot of placed the courts require the parties to try to mediate before they will be able to have their case heard by a judge. That's a lot less expensive.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:07 PM on Mar. 10, 2017

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