Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Has oldest dd taken over just a bit to much?

I'll try to keep this short but lots of info. My youngest dd (from the older group) has been in jail but has now been sent to what she calls Hoe rehab in exchange for her testimony against her pimp and some things that he did. I think it's great but there's still a cost thru it all that she's going to have to pay. The day she went to jail she had called me and told me what was going on and to not tell anyone so I didn't. Long story short. Oldest DD found out, got mad at me and took over. And I do mean she took over everything. She arranged when anyone could visit her in jail, attorney, etc. This is almost 3 hours from where we live and with 3 younger ones at home there's no way I could even make it plus the visit was for 15 minutes only. I also have the opinion that she did the crime she would need to serve some time which oldest dd didn't agree with. She was only there for 3 months before they moved her to rehab where I'm hoping that she can move on to a better life. I love her dearly and want the best for her but I can't live my life on edge for her either.

I've sent her letters, packages and accepted her collect calls. I've encouraged her and let her know that I want her life to change and she can do it. Thru it all my oldest dd keeps sending out messages and I don't read half of them until days after she sent them. I'll admit it. I'm not up to all the latest tech and still believe if you really want to comunicate that you need to pick up the phone and call them. Just found out that ydd gets to receive her first visitor this Sunday and neither of her sisters can make it but her aunt is going up to see her. I didn't realize this until after it was all set. Nice to know huh? Couldn't call good old mom and ask?

Well yesterday I got a call from YDD crying. Technically she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone for 30 days in rehab but her counselor let her call me for 10 minutes at work. She was thinking of quiting and walking away. I was able to talk her into staying and letting her know that I loved her and wanted her to get better. That she deserved better but she had to go thru the hard stuff before things would get better. Of course when odd found out she was upset because ydd hadn't called her instead of me. She then proceeded to lecture me on what I should and should not have said to her. Since the counselor was listening in on the call  and even seemed happy with what I said I basically told odd to stop lecturing me. Which of course lead to the lecture of I had no idea what was even going on.

Excuse me but I do know what is going on. I'm the mom who stood my her all her life. When she got involved in the life she has I stood by her unlike her sister who didn't want her "contaiminating" her dd. I buy her a bus ticket to get away from this jerk. I helped set her up in an apartment, etc. I went to the bad section of town and got all her stuff I could not once but twice while she was in jail. I even got the new pair of boots her other sistser had gotten her for Christmas. The stuff that she took with her to keep safe while ydd was in jail/rehab but somehow that pair of boots is now missing and I must have somehow misplaced them or be wearing them. Never mind that ydd is a size 11 and I'm a size 6 1/2. Of course odd is a size 10 and her dd is a size 10 doesn't say anything does it?

I'm just so frustrated with it all right now. My baby is going to be there for 1 - 2 years (I'm hoping!) getting the help she needs and there's no way I can make it to see her like I would like to. I've got 3 younger kids one of whom is her dd that have activities of their own going on, working fulltime and hoping to retire by the time the youngest grduates high school. My parents are not in the best of shape and neither are my dh's parents. It wouldn't surprise me at all if we got a call one day for any of them. I'm just so tried and frustrated anymore and not sure which way to turn and yet my oldest proceeds to lecture me on what I should and should not be doing regarding ydd. Ugh. I'd love to tell her off but that would cause more problems in the long run with middle & youngest dd's.  So I bite my lip and move on. I'll admit that I'm thankful she has taken on so much to help ydd out but I really don't need a lecture from her. I do know what is going on. Probably more then she thinks. DH used to work for the police and knows alot of the ins & outs. He even told me what was going to happen before either of them told me regarding the pimp. He even told me that they had the safe houses to help girls like her out 2 months before it was mentioned and that she will have to testify which won't be pretty for her. She'll have to face him but both of them think she won't have to. DH said unless he pleads guilty then there's no way she'll be able to get out of it.

OK rant over. Guess I just had to get this all out.


Asked by baconbits at 9:48 AM on Apr. 12, 2018 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 26 (27,278 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (5)
  • You keep doing what you are doing. And just ignore your oldest daughter bullshit. Sound like she thinks you are brainless.

    Answer by louise2 at 7:58 PM on Apr. 12, 2018

  • hugs

    I wish I could give you about 100 of those. I don't know that I'd be able to bite my tongue when my child starts lecturing me about what they think I should/shouldn't be doing in regards to another of my children. I barely tolerate it from my husband.

    Since telling her off would cause more problems, I think I'd invite her over for dinner, or out for coffee, and have a heart-to-heart with her about what she's doing and how it's making you feel. I think it's great that she's stepping up and "helping", but the way she's going about it is very off putting.


    Answer by Rosehawk at 3:41 PM on Apr. 12, 2018

  • hugs

    I am so sorry you are going through so much.  I agree try to have a sit down.


    Answer by DJDNY at 9:47 PM on Apr. 12, 2018

  • It certainly sounds like you have and are having a seriously rough time.
    I know that they read the letters but maybe writing letters to her might help both of you and sending supplies for her to return a letter if she will. I truly can not imagine what you must be going through but you can only do the best you can.
    How far away from you is she being held?

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:27 PM on Apr. 14, 2018

  • I'm sorry the family is going through so much turmoil right now. It's good your daughter is in rehab and starting the process to get her life together.

    As a rule I don't tiptoe around being disrespected by one of my children. You should have immediately ended the conversation with the older daughter. When things settle down a bit from this outburst you should try to meet with her one on one and firmly remind her that her rudeness and disrespect toward you is not going to be tolerated.

    You are going through enough with your youngest daughter and don't need the added drama from the oldest one.

    Answer by momngram at 12:34 PM on Apr. 15, 2018

Next question in Adult Children (18+)

Next question overall (Relationships)
No Judgement Please