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What ways can I discipline my 9 year old daughter?

She has a smart mouth, she is getting bad grades, she is constantly stirring the pot with her sisters. I walked into the bathroom and found the youngest (5 yrs old) had bruises on her arm and behind from the oldest pushing her and shoving her into a wall. They're not mine yet since we're still going through the adoption progress, but I don't know what else to do. Due to bad grades on the progress report she is grounded from friends and TV until the report cards come out. She smarts off at me and is highly disrespectful to myself and DH. I just don't know what else to do! She can't watch tv, she doesn't see her friends. I've not taken away her guitar or keyboard because we didn't ground her from them yet. I know she can do better, and now we're talking to her case manager due to her hurting her sisters. What else can we do? Remember we're not allowed to spank or anything because they're wards of the state!!!

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Asked by joelochi3 at 11:48 AM on Feb. 24, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (7)
  • Take away EVERYTHING and have EARN them back 1 at a time.


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • I would clean out her room until she has the bare min. in it and let her earn it all back. she can write a report on what respectful behavior is and how she plans to start showing respect. she should be able to read and do school work. she should keep her bed and blankets and clothes but everything else is a priveledge.

    Answer by ria7 at 11:52 AM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • Call your social worker and explain whats going on. You might not know everything about her past and she may have been abused so this is her way of working through problems. Tell them she needs to see a therapist and do behavior therapy because if shes hurting the other kids thats not a good or positive thing. Oh and since shes still a ward of the state look into boot camps. The state will pay for it unless she has underlying medical issues or mental illness.

    Answer by gemgem at 11:53 AM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • I am assuming there is something in her background that might be the root of the problem. Is there a history of abuse? I would talk to a specialist about it and try proactive solution instead. Being a ward of the state, she has already had her family taken away. She might not know how to handle her complex feelings.

    Answer by als101198 at 2:52 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • Just be careful having an abusive older sibling is so hard. I've been there. I know you love them all but just be careful that you younger ones are getting what they need to deal with this sitution to . My parents always assumed I was fine because I never acted out or co,mplained but I was very hard for me to deal with later. I loved my sister with all my heart and it killed me that she treated me so badly. It made me fell bad about me. How could anybody like me if my own sister doesn't?


    Answer by Anonymous at 3:54 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • I agree with the above poster. Do everything you can for the older one but look after the younger ones to! I also agree with the poster that mentioned your child's unknown past. You have a lot to consider. Try a reward system and not just taking things away maybe. It could just as easily be a self esteem problem. Here is this foster child who is constantly acting out and getting punished (for good reason) and you have no idea how she is twisting it in her head. Maybe she thinks you like the younger ones better or you are gonna give her away too so why get close? Stay open and real when you talk to her. Good luck.

    Answer by But_Mommie at 4:00 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • Are both the 5 and 9 wards of the state? Do you have any of your own? Did you get them at the same time...Same family??? Just trying to get some background. Of course, they all need to be treated and disciplined the same and know they are all loved them same...with that said. The 9 year old needs to know she is loved. And her behavior can't go on...Talk to her...Establish Trust...I am afraid it will probably be a slow process...but the social worker needs to help on this one.

    Answer by heavenschild99 at 3:37 PM on Feb. 25, 2009

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