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How can I get his ex wife to realize that I am not taking her place with the kids?

I just want to be happy with the kids we get along great, most of the time. She feels I am a threat and no matter what I do, it upsets/pisses her off.

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Ms.Kym

Asked by Ms.Kym at 5:13 PM on Feb. 24, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • I know how you feel...my husbands ex is such a bad word! she thinks i stole her husband and im trying to take her kids! she is crazy....i dont know if you can ever make her see you dont want to be the kids "mom" but you just want to be their friends! i have been trying for 6 years and still not working!

    woobie102

    Answer by woobie102 at 5:16 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • Have nothing to do with her. You can't do anything to ease her fears. Just stay away from her, have no contact, let hubby do the pick up/drop off of the kids. If you try to be involved with that part of it, she'll always view you as a threat. It's just a fact of life. I've been raising my stepson for the past 6 years, while his biomom was in and out of his life as she saw fit and she accuses me constantly of "taking her place." But I did and have told her that and if she wants to be his mother, then start acting like it! But if you just want things peaceful, stay away from her.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 5:18 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • All you can do is this:
    1. NEVER criticize her to the kids - no matter how stupid her actions may seem to you.
    2. Love the kids
    3. Take the kids out to shop for Mother's Day gifts FOR HER
    4. Don't let her attitude get to you
    5. Love the kids (did I say that already? It bears repeating)
    6. Practice this "She always does the best that she knows how for you" and repeat to the kids if they complain about Mom (see #1)
    7. If they have a younger half-sibling, treat that child(ren) the same as you treat the kids your hubby created.

    I did the above when I was a step-mom and the kids realized that I was there to help BOTH the parents to raise them ... and the ex-wife eventually realized it, too. She and I began to get along great - but it took a long time (over 2 years). She even began referring to me as "my kids' OTHER mom"
    cat0325

    Answer by cat0325 at 5:23 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • some goals will never be reached but only time will tell if it will happen here. It took me years to stop worrying she'd take my kids.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:23 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • Well my situation is a little different, my stepson lives with my husband and I. His biomom lives 8 hours away, my husband has full custody, so she's definitely a lot more out of the picture than your husband's ex. HOWEVER, I have managed to keep things civil with her by doing things like having my stepson draw her pictures and send them to her...send her emails with pics of what he's up to...just try to include her and encourage him to acknowledge her. I think biomom appreciates it. I'm not sure of what the custody situation is with your stepkids, but it sounds like she's threatened by you... anything to show her that you keep her in their minds when they are there I'm sure would make her feel s little better...
    stepmom929

    Answer by stepmom929 at 5:25 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • straight up tell her you're not trying to replace her... think how you would feel if your child had another motherly figure I think it would be way scary
    Breezy1988

    Answer by Breezy1988 at 6:28 PM on Feb. 24, 2009

  • My ex is very resentful of my boyfriend and the relationship my daughter has developed with him. She adores my boyfriend and he's wonderful to her. They get along super great and she has loved him from the beginning of our relationship 2 years ago. This really upset my ex and caused my daughter to suddenly act mean to my BF. I was broken up with my ex a whole year before meeting my bf, but that didn't matter to my ex. I think the resentment is mixed up with jealousy over me and my ex uses the frustrations to confuse our daughter. But I don't show my frustration to my daughter and my BF is steady as a rock with her. So she is coming around. But my ex is still bitter and it's been 3 years!
    kathyartist2007

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 1:54 AM on Feb. 25, 2009

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