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Am I selfish?

Hi, I have been married for nearly 24 years and loves my husband very much. I know that he loves me too, but sometimes he is so cold, it feels like I am his sister. I'm not talking about sexually cold, but emotionally cold. Through the years we have always been doing things together as couples. He lately has a new thing that upsets me very much! He goes motorbike riding with his cousin on every 2nd or 3rd Sunday and then stays out the whole day (11 hrs). He says they ride about 600 kms per day on gravel roads etc. and I do believe him, because I dont think he will be unfaithful to me. When I confronted him and told him that I feel he is selfish for leaving me alone on Sundays, he think I am selfish and will not agree that he is in the wrong. What do you girls think, am I unfair and selfish or what? I just feel neglegted and feel that we do not have any fun together anymore. Must he have fun without me?

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Asked by Roxy222 at 8:47 AM on Feb. 26, 2009 in About CafeMom

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Answers (7)
  • I dont think youre selfish there should be some balance. Going and having fun is important for him and for you. Maybe there is something you canalso try and get into on the same days? I would ask him to set aside atleast one Sunday to go to do things with you.

    Answer by gemgem at 8:51 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • It's not like he's going out every Sunday. If he's having a good time, let him enjoy it! Guys like to go out and do that kind of stuff. You should start making plans to go somewhere one Sunday a month or something and do something you both enjoy. And while he's out with his cousin, maybe get together with a couple of your friends or family and enjoy the day with them doing something you enjoy.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:55 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • It sounds like all of a sudden he needs his own time and it hasn't always been this way so you aren't used to it. I believe that couples need to have their own interests and take time away from each other, but you don't seem to think that is a good idea. I would suggest that you use the time to do something for yourself and then you won't be thinking that he is neglecting you. If you are both doing your own things and enjoying it, then it is fine. I would just try to look at it differently.

    Answer by kboney29 at 8:57 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • I feel for you an hope you find a thing that works for you. I'm in kinda the same situation But I have proof that its because he is going back to an old bad habit an it seem to be changing everything expecialy the way I feel. Good Luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:04 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • Why don't you find something to do on sundays, quite frankly, you are both right. You are both being selfish. People need their own time, away from the other person. Find a hobby, find something to do. Hang out with girlfriends, OR, find a good book to read. Damn I usually enjoy when my hub is out of the house on occasions.

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 9:14 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • I think that you are saying he only spends the day with his cousin once a month (every 2nd OR 3rd sunday). You can't find something to do with yourself for one day a month? Correct me if I read the question wrong. It also sounds like maybe you two aren't spending any quality time with each other. This could be causing you to be jealous of a situation where you do not need to be jealous. And this happens. Have you let him know that you KNOW you shouldn't feel this way but you do ~ that you don't begrudge him his time with his cousin, but you would like to have some special time with him also? 24 years is a long time to be married. I just celebrated 25 years with my hubby! Things change, a lot. If you were the primary caregiver to the children, they are most likely at the ages where you are not needed as much. You and your hubby may have lived basically separate lives while they were growing up.

    Answer by PSMother at 2:58 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • (cont.) You may have ran the kids to their different activities, volunteered as chaperone, whatever. He may have gone to work, come home and kept the yardwork caught up, whatever. It was kinda that way with us. When the kids no longer needed my attention, I wasn't sure what to do with my time and emotions. We still had a good relationship, but it wasn't the same as when we were dating. We had to make a conscious effort to reconnect with each other. We both needed our own space, yet we also had to purposefully make time for one another again. I don't believe either one of you is being selfish per se. I just think you need to be honest with one another. Allow each other your space, but also give yourselves fully to one another again and create couple time. I hope this helps some.

    Answer by PSMother at 3:11 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

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