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Grandparent's favouring one child over another.

I have 3 kids, 4,3, and almost a year. My fil seems to favour my 4 yo son. My DD is 3 and is quite mature for her age and likes to do most of the things her brother does. Fil will call up and make plans to do things with DS or make a big deal about him on his b-day and not her. He just sent a card with money in it for her. He's about a 15 min drive away. My son he came to the house with a huge bag full of things for my son and took pics of him opening his gifts. He never even called my dd. I've asked dh to talk to him about doing things with dd aswell, but he hasen't yet. I don't think he wants to, or feels like he should. Anyone else have a child who is favoured more than the other. How do you deal with it?

 
AmandaH321

Asked by AmandaH321 at 9:43 AM on Feb. 26, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 20 (8,472 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • Well, I know my brother was favored by my paternal grandmother over me.I guess when I was a kid it bothered me but I got over it.In my adulthood it really doesn't bother me at all.You can try to talk to you FIL about it, but if he doesn't change it's not that big of a deal.It's more important that you and your husband treat the kids equally. Different family memebers will form closer bonds certain children.It's good for your son to feel special to someone besides you and your husband. It would be great if different family member could reach out to your daughter more.Maybe your mother can make special trips with your daughter?It's okay for her to learn that she doesn't have to be "tops" with everyone, but she should still feel that her grandfather loves her.I always felt my grandmother loved me, she just had a special place in her heart for my brother.In the end it was really good for my brother to feel so special to someone.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 9:52 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • Yes my mother favors one over the other but not to the extreme that your fil does. If husband won't talk to him then I feel you should. Your fil might not know who it affects your daughter. Men do seem to stick together, and if hes the first grandson then that might be a bond that is strong. Just ask him if he could do something special with his granddaughter too that way she can get to know what an amazing man he is.
    Good luck
    dle4125

    Answer by dle4125 at 9:55 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • You've got to be mature enough to stand up to the family member and say how badly it's hurting the other child/children. Once you point out to the grandparent that the child sees it, it's liable to stop. If not - and what we did in our situation - is have our daughter call her grandfather up and say "you take _ and _ to the movies, but you never take me. It hurts. I can sit still and watch. I want to go too sometime. " It's the confrontation these stupid family members don't think will ever happen that usually wakes them up about their unfair behavior. And don't take "it's all in your head" or their lame excuses for an answer. Put it out there. Either each child is to be treated fairly, or I can't let you see them. Your unfavored child will ALWAYS remember the favoritism. I know I do because my grandmother favored my cousins over me. I'll never forget that, and I'm 40.
    tikigoddess

    Answer by tikigoddess at 10:00 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • I lived next door to my ex in laws.. They would do this with my son over my dd.. They would walk in my house and walk right by my dd and invite my ds to go w/ them somewhere and NOT mention it to my dd. Its hard and it hurts.. Believe me I know I've been there. My kids are older now & they know and see the difference. My dd has NOTHING to do w/ them. She is almost 16yrs old now. They never call her on her b-day. They never send her Christmas presents. We live less than 10miles away from them. They are the ones missing out. Only advice I can give you is that you should point it out to your fil. Don't let him make it soo obvious that he favors one over the other. Especially in front of the kids. They are the ones that will get hurt. Good luck on this!!
    honeys_sugamama

    Answer by honeys_sugamama at 10:03 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • My grandma did that with my sister growing up...But I got along with my mom better...and didn't like my grandma much because she never let me do what I wanted (wasn't doing good things lol)...but now I get along with my grandma much better than my mom...I have changed and grown up and my mom really hasn't. Growing up my mom was more of a friend than a mom...(she'd buy/give my friends cigarettes)
    Briyawna

    Answer by Briyawna at 10:34 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • My guess is because he's a boy and she's a girl. He feels more connected with your son. But it's not right. If your hubby won't talk to him, you talk to him. Or refuse to let him see your son anymore if he's not going to treat them equally.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 11:04 AM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • I would not put up with it! I was one grandchild out of 8, and the oldest. As soon as the next grandchild was born, I was put to the back burner. By the time all 8 were born, 2 were favored, but my grandparents now admit, that I got the worst of the deal because they did not do ONE thing with me. I am not close to these grandparents at all, and several things have happened in our family, and they are realizing that they screwed up big time, especially now that they want to see my son more. It was 22 years of them pretty much ignoring me, and it is not easy to just forgive and forget. I refuse to put my child through that, and it is one thing I will not stand for! My advice is give this grandparent an ultimatum...either you stop showing favoritism, or you lose all of the grand kids. Because I know from experience that it really sucks, and your children that were not favored will always hold resentment to him.
    happymom0724

    Answer by happymom0724 at 11:11 AM on Feb. 26, 2009