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For those woman who had step-children before thier own bio children.

I asked this question before but only got one response. ...please help me.
Do you love your BK's more then your SK's? I basically am my DSS's mom ...and DH and i are planning to TTC my first during his R&R if at all possible. Part of me thinks that having my own will help my maternal instincts and make me (in some respect) a better mommy to my DS. But i'm scared that i might love my own child more then my DS. I almost dont see how that's possible bc i love him so much already ...but does having your own change anything?

 
outstandingLove

Asked by outstandingLove at 1:07 PM on Feb. 26, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 20 (9,136 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • outstandingLove - if that's your situation; I don't think you'll feel differently towards them.

    No that it is the same; but when we got preg with our 2nd child my fiance was concered he wouldn't be able to love her as much as he loved our oldest -- is that your worry (but in reverse)? I think that's a normal worry and one you will find disappears after the baby comes. Do you already have those fierce maternal instincts to protect and care for him? I don't think those will diminish or change by having a biobaby of your own I think it will increase them =)
    beachmamaof2

    Answer by beachmamaof2 at 2:47 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • YES!!! Not that I treated my step kids any differently but I absolutely love my own son more. Nothing to be guilty about....
    NJMom2Tyler

    Answer by NJMom2Tyler at 1:24 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • Yes, I love my own children more, but we are not custodial and SS was 11 when we got maried and his mother is a psycho which has trickled down to SS making him not so easy to love all the time (he is now 17 btw, my kids are 4 and 2). Maybe if SS came to me when he was a toddler and looked to me as his mom things would be different.
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 1:26 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • Yes, it did for me, but we are the "non custodial" home and SK is with us less than 50%. I used to like to think that I loved my SS the same as I would my own, but now that I know that type of love I could never honestly say it. I won't go out of my way to treat SS differently, but I am sure there are times he sees how I am different with DD. I don't feel guilty about it. I will always have deeper and stronger love for my own children. I mean, most SKs love their BM more, and they don't feel guilty about it and are not made to feel guilty about it by society, so why should we feel bad?
    I think it is, or might be different, for those SM who are in more of a mom role with their SKs, when the BM is out of the picture.
    PROGENITOR

    Answer by PROGENITOR at 1:46 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • I absolutely love my own children, adopted or biological, more than step children.  My step child has a mother and a father, both of whom love her unconditionally.  I am not her parent, nor do I have that bond or type of relationship with her.  She is a great person and I like her very much, but I am not responsible for her and I do not have any say in how she is raised or what she's allowed to do.  My role in her life is being her friend more than anything.  It's a great relationship, but very different than what I have with my own children, and there's nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

    DeTora_Family

    Answer by DeTora_Family at 1:59 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • First it ok for you to love your bio child more than Step. I talked to my oldest about this last year. I asked him "do you love your bio mom more than me, do feeling a special bond between you to. after alot of reassurance that he would not hurt my feelings but more I just want a honest anwser" he said yes.
    This is apart of life, it is ok.
    Ihatelaundry

    Answer by Ihatelaundry at 2:03 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • As a step-child can I just say that you can claim you treat them the same all you like; but they can tell the difference. I really feel bad for these kids!

    Yes I had a mother & a father that both loved me but it was noticeable that my step-father didn't understand how to be a father nor was he interested in trying really - they married when I was 4; when I was 12 they had a child; did I notice a big difference in how I was treated compared to her; of course I did!

    Kids of all age see a lot more than we give them credit for...
    beachmamaof2

    Answer by beachmamaof2 at 2:09 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • Okay. Maybe i needed to be a bit more clear. BM is not in the picture. She is cour ordered to pay support and does not. She calls MAYBE once a month and sees him MAYBE once a year. I started being DS's primary care giver when he was 2yo. But became an active part of his life when he was 18months old. Maybe i wont be able to find the answer i'm looking for. My situation is so unique. Not only is BM not in the picture much but DH is military and has been and is overseas. ...**sighs** maybe i just need to stop worrying.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:43 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • I am in your situation also. I have a 6yo stepson and am expecting my first child. My stepston's BM lives 8 hours away and she sees him for a couple of weeks in the summer and over 1 holiday week. So I am his "mother" figure... I love my stepson but I am already sure that this baby will be a whole different story. You shouldn't feel guilty about it. They always say that there is no bond like the one between a mother and son/daughter and I fully believe that. although I do believe that MY child will be closer to my heart, I do think that my stepson will benefit from her birth too, because he will love his sister and we will feel more like a family once she's here, at least that's how I feel. Don't worry, even people with more than one bio-child admit that they LOVE them all, but in different ways sometimes. It's natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck to you!!
    stepmom929

    Answer by stepmom929 at 2:52 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

  • my husband is our oldest son's step dad, we met when my son was five months old, and has been "daddy" ever since. i aslo at one time had my neice and nephew who were like stepkids to me, and we loved them all the same, bio, or step
    bi-polarmommy

    Answer by bi-polarmommy at 3:37 PM on Feb. 26, 2009

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