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How do you "Deal with Infertility issues"?

This is definintely something I don't know the answer to and I have always been curious about it. All the books I've read say that prospective adoptive parents need to "deal with their infertility issues" before they should adopt. But I've never read anything that says how to go about this. (yes I know that not everyone that adopts is infertile)


Asked by onethentwins at 4:20 PM on Feb. 27, 2009 in Adoption

Level 22 (12,486 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (26)
  • I think it simply means that to not make adoption some sort of second place consolation prize. To adopt not to fullfill the lost children you could not carry to term or conceive but to adopt because you have a desire to parent a child for the sake of loving that individual and not what they are not. For some perspective adoptive couples this is not ever an issue. For some it is. Depends on the couple.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:43 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • I had to deal with it before I felt ready to adopt. I had 6 miscarriages and trouble conceiving in between. I think I knew I had dealt with it when I was ready to adopt solely for the sake of the child, not to fulfill my own needs. I feel the same as the first poster, I'm so glad I have the children I have. A hundred biological children could never replace Brynn and Noel.

    Answer by MommyAddie at 8:18 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • Thanks anon, that does explain it, but what if you have trouble doing that? Are there books or classes that you can take? Is this something that adoption agencies talk about pre adoption?

    MommyAddie and Keeley, I'm sure almost all amoms feel the way you do. I've also heard amoms say the same thing about failed adoptions one they get to adopt their child.


    Answer by onethentwins at 8:54 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • If you have trouble doing that, then maybe adoption is not for you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:33 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • I don't know about classes or groups that could help, although I'm sure there are some. I read some books, but they only made me more depressed. It was something very personal and private that I had to work through alone. Infertility was the most painful experience in my life and opening it up to others made me the most vulnerable I've ever been and I could not bear to share it with others. I prayed a lot. I did not want to hurt like that my entire life, even if I never became a mom. I knew it was something I had to walk through, not something I could wallow in. I pondered it a lot, exploring different options and feelings in my mind. I allowed myself to feel whatever I needed to feel. It was mentally draining and a lot of people didn't understand. I experienced the 5 stages of grief, literally mourning that loss in my life. I was very honest with myself and others about what I could and couldn't handle.

    Answer by MommyAddie at 9:43 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • Sorry, I didn't mean to mislead anyone. I just assumed most of you know me. I'm a reunited birth mom of a 20 year old adoptee and am raising my twins. I've just always been curious because I'm always reading "deal with infertility issues first" but I've never seen a book advise how to do that. sorry for the confusion.


    Answer by onethentwins at 9:51 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • mommyaddie, thank you for sharing something so personal. I'm sorry for your loss, it must have been very painful.

    Answer by onethentwins at 9:52 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • You're right, onethentwins. Nobody really tells you how to "deal with" infertility issues. I learned of my infertility shortly after getting married in 1996. We had talked about adoption before our marriage, but it was a "someday" thing. We started to seriously pursue adoption in 2000. By then we had decided on our own to give up the infertility treatments, which is also what our agency wanted from us.

    After 3 years and no calls from the agency, we began to see that there was no guarantee that we would be able to become parents by adoption, either. We thought it was unreasonable of the agency to not allow us to have two "irons in the fire", although it honestly made no difference to us which way our first child came to us.

    In 2004, we got a call from our agency and brought home our daughter a few weeks later. We continued treatments for about 1 1/2 years long because (continued)...

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:08 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • (continued) we wanted a second child and knew that there was no guarantee of ever being able to adopt again. We were able to adopt our baby boy in the fall of 2008, and our family is now complete.

    It took me ten full years to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never be able to experience a pregnancy and birth. Now I do see the infertility as a blessing, because it brought us our two beautiful children, who we love more than life itself. It also brought us the extended family we gained through two open adoptions. Our daughter's birth/first mother is one of my closest friends. I would not change a thing - I just wish I'd stopped wasting money and abusing my body sooner.

    I would advise people to read and pray, and maybe to talk to others who have walked down that path.

    Thank you for a very thoughtful question and respectful tone.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:11 PM on Feb. 27, 2009

  • I would tend to think that a fertility doctor should ethically discuss the option of counseling. If not then perhaps parenting magazines and more attention needs to be given to the correct course of action. Counseling helps. Time does too. Just like time does not take away the regret, pain, or hurt of placing a child for adoption, neither does it erase the hurt and grief of miscarriages, failed infertility treatment, and hope. But it does help to gain perspective and to make a new plan based on what is and not on what cannot ever be. Just like all the issues of adoption need to be more common place in our discussions so does infertility. Instead we treat both like it is something to not talk about and just get over. Women are always put aside like that. Gets a little old after a while.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:09 PM on Feb. 27, 2009