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Trust issues

I have been dating my BF for 15 months now and through it all I have had trust issues with him due to my previous relationships. I have been cheated on, lied to, and physically abused by one of my husbands, and mentally abused by my 2nd husband. Now, I am in a relationship with a man 8 years older than me and I can't seem to get over this trust issue. I believe he has given me reasons that he will cheat. For instance, we used to go to a bar together. And whenever we would break up, he would go to the bar by himself and talk to the women bartenders. I told him i did not like it..yet, he admitted to doing it to piss me off. And just recently he started doing it again. Now, he's going to the same bar and talking to another woman bartender that was my friend..and seems to be his friend now. I guess what i am wanting to know is this...how in the world do you just believe in someone that they are not going to screw you over?..help?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:18 AM on Mar. 1, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • If you break up with him what do you think he's going to do, go to the pound and talk to the dogs? If someone breaks up with me that tells me they don't want me so I'm heading to find another man who will at least make me feel better about being dumped. What he is doing is normal it is NOT cheating. What did you think he'd do when you broke up with him, go home and pine away by himself? Quit testing the man. Trust him or don't but he is himself, not your ex. Comparing him is just wrong.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:53 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • I hear ya. Sounds to me like maybe you keep picking the same kind of men. He is not worth your time. you have been through plenty of the trust killing stuff. write your self a list of qualities you would like your guy to have then dont date anyone who doesnt fit that. good luck:)
    hypersquirrel

    Answer by hypersquirrel at 2:25 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • We tend to repeat patterns of bad relationships. It sounds like you are doing the same. Reread your question...you said "when you break up, he talks to other women". Do you see anything wrong with that statement? I don't see a healthy future in this relationship. Maybe you should be alone for awhile (I did after my divorce) and rediscover yourself. Change the venue, don't date anyone from the bar that you and friends hang out and work at. Your instincts about him are probably right by the way. I think you should go your separate ways.
    hopelessnance

    Answer by hopelessnance at 2:27 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • I like hypersquirrel's answer. good advice about that list.
    hopelessnance

    Answer by hopelessnance at 2:29 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • I actually dont like the list idea. If i would've made a list for an ideal guy i would've never met my husband. ...he's like 9 inches taller then me. skinny. and military. NOT the kinda guy i had in mind. And he has a kid. ...that certianly would not have been on my list.
    if you do write a list make sure you keep all the physical attractions off. Who cares if he is fat, tall, skinny, short, blonde hair, brown eyes. whatever, as long as he is what you need.

    I do like the idea of keeping to yourself for a while. get away from the men. Learn how to need yourself. love yourself. BE yourself. learn what it is that YOU want. who YOU are.
    Also, i too have been in relationships similiar to yours. Cheated on, lied to, physically abused. the works. ...with my ex fiance i ALWAYS had trust issues. he accused me of being controlling. With my husband, ...i never knew i could trust a person like that. He's in Iraq right now. (cont)
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:55 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • And was in korea for a year before that. And i KNOW he has never cheated on me. and never will. I know him. i know he wont hurt me. never intentionally. As soon as i met him i could tell.
    my point is TRUST your INSTINCTS. that's where you find trust.
    Good luck!
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:57 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • The bottom line is this.....should a man you are dating keep going off to bars and talking to all these bartenders and other patrons?..or should he be with you?....I know this has not been an easy relationship..We have argued constantly..and most of it is due to my lack of trust...And he told me that the only reason he was going out without me is that he could not take me bitching at him anymore....but, i mean, am i over reacting about this?...i know two people in a relationship need to have separate lives...but, is this taking it too far?....I know it's wrong to give people ultimatums...But, i just called him and told him to either stop going to that bar..or it's over between us..and this time, it's for good...period....I must stand my ground if i am to respected>..right?...or is it wrong?...god, i am so confused...please help?
    gogogirl79

    Answer by gogogirl79 at 3:10 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • Well....what is all this breaking up about anyway? Maybe this relationship is just not working....and maybe that is why you are feeling so uneasy! You might be able to trust someone if they deserved your trust. On the other hand if you feel completely unable to trust anyone, then maybe you have some healing to do before you get into a relationship. You can't expect a relationship to solve your problems.... So, I think you should look at this situation and see if it is honestly working for you or not. I think the first person you need to learn to trust is yourself!
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 10:05 AM on Mar. 1, 2009

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