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Does anyone else deal with this stuff

I recently got re-married so it's been almost 2 years now. We have a blended family. I still talk to my ex-husbands parents in fact I call them my parents. He does not speak to them. But I have a son so there grandchild. When I got re-married I gained a step daughter. They do things for my son because they are his family and they don't do the same for her. My new husband doesn't think that it's fair and he is going to stop talking to them if they don't treat his daughter the same. I have a huge problem with that because they are not related to her. But he doesn't get that and now we are fighting and causing some real problems in our house... Any one have any advice for me... Please... I don't want to lose him but I am not going to be torn either...........

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Asked by crazystepmom713 at 9:57 PM on Mar. 1, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • This is how My family does it and this is what works for us. All together we have 7 litle boys and both his parents and my mom treat them all the same. If they get for one they get for all. They say it keeps down confusion. It's not something we asked them to do, they just did it on their own. So to me that is something the grandparents would have to initate on their own. They have no obligation to his daughter and he needs to understand that. You should tell him that he needs to take that issue up with them not you

    Answer by PunkinLPN at 10:02 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • I think he's being unreasonable about this. I could see if they were your parents, I would feel they should treat her the same. But being they are his father's parents with absolutely no relation to the situation, I don't feel they have to give/do for his daughter. Perhaps if they take him some place special you and your DH could use it for a special time for her. As for gifts, I'm sure she has her own grandparents that buy for her and not for your son. (does she?)


    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 10:06 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • i understand your feelings and his. but his reaction to not talk to them seems harsh.

    my mom includes my step kids in everything. they are my family. i have a new little girl now too. but my mom has been gettng birthday stuff and christmas stuff since before i was even pregnant. i would be VERY upset if my mother or the rest of my family did not include my step kids in family events and gift giving.

    however, i understand that these are not your actual parents. if they are not your actual parents and they want to come to your house and do things with their grand baby, i think they need to do something to bridge the gap a little with your step daughter. if not, maybe you should think about only taking your son to their house, but even that would probably cause riffs.

    my daughter will not meet my stepkids grand parents on their BMs side so this will never be an issue. my grandparents even spoiled my stepkids thou

    Answer by aly38914290 at 10:07 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • It seems ridiculous to me that he would want his wifes' ex husbands' parents to do things for his child. If they were your real parents that would be different but this is a little silly to expect the parents from a previous marriage to do things for his daughter. I assume that if they see her they are not mean to her. I don't think he has a right to expect more than friendliness from them which is just common courtesy. If he was divorced would he expect his ex inlaws to do things for your daughter?! IDK how to make him get that other than just try to keep explaining that your ex inlaws don't owe him or his daughter anything. Unless whatever gifts your son receives are waved under his daughters nose and she's teased with it. I don't see how he can expect them to feel the same for his daughter that they would for their grandson. Maybe over time they will get to know her and start more of a relationship with her.

    Answer by Tawanda74 at 10:12 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • I come from a place you understand..... Loyalty is the word.... Understand he feels bad for his child... not for him. He blends everything in his mind, so he feels it should be even. Not a bad guy, I actutally have a husband, His MOM always included my daughet from a previouse. way he was raised, u got good solid man!!

    Answer by jennieo622 at 10:23 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • Maybe my family is weird, but we don't have to be related by blood to be family. My MIL treats her ex husband's wife like family. Makes sure she is taken care of. They call each other sometimes to see how the other is doing. They have taken trips - just them and the grandchildren. Neither are related to my oldest daughter, but you would never know. They just have a common purpose - their children and grandchildren - blood relation, step, half, married in - they don't let past relationships and pedigrees determine their behavior. I see your point in not wanting to push them. I agree that there are many things to consider - but I also see your husband's point. You treat your step daughter like a "real" daughter, right? What if some of your children were adopted? Wouldn't you insist that they be treated equally? Because, in a sense, when you take on step children they are "adopted" children.

    Answer by FlyMom07 at 10:25 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • 100% agree with FlyMom! Your step-daughter is part of your family too, and deserves to be treated as such.
    Also, try to (honestly) think how you would feel if the situation were reversed, and your son was the one being left out -- at the age your step-daughter is now. Step into each family members shoes to see how the situation feels, it might change your position... it might not, but hopefully it would provide you with some understanding.
    Good luck.

    Answer by indigostone at 3:48 AM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • If you view them as 'YOUR PARENTS' then they are related to that little girl too! That is YOUR step-DAUGHTER!!!!!!!! Your VOWS were to your dh not to 'your parents'. Stop causing division in your home because your son is no better than his daughter. SHE is part of you now & if you can't deal with that then you never should have gotten married.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:26 AM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • its not their grandbaby. u cant make them do anything for her. but what u can do is when u know they r going to give something to ur child buy something for her so she doesnt feel neglected

    Answer by baby-cakes at 9:50 AM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • to Anonymous who left the comment about I should have not gotten married wow little harsh don't you think. it's not me who is causing the issues. i never said my son was better. I do treat her as mine. there is no division about that other then the fact that my ex inlaws don't do as much for her as my son.
    And to the other who have commented thanks! I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks that it's a bit stupid. but it is what it is. I can't change them. If i had a problem with being a step mom then i wouldn't have done it.

    Answer by crazystepmom713 at 4:16 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

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