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Scared he is going to get rid of me.

I have been married 3 years. I love my husband, he loves me, but I have this nagging fear always that if I am not perfect he is going to get rid of me.
When I was a kid, after my parents got divorced, this happened to me 5 times. Normal, everyday things would happen. My mom dropped me off to my grandmoms house for a sleep over and didnt come back for 5 months. No word from her the whole time. One time I was 14, in the hospital with the flu. My fever was 105, I was dehydrated and hallucinating. My mom was there beside me, she said "I love you baby, I am going to go talk to the doctor" I didnt see her for 3 years.
Tonight DH came home early to suprise me. He bought me a new cell phone. I could stop shaking.
The house was the mess! He usually come home after the baby has gone to bed and I have time to pick up her toys and clean up. And I had just gotten done feeding her, so there was food all over!
He didnt say anything

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:53 PM on Mar. 1, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • (continued)
    about the mess, but I was shaking. How can I get rid of this irrational fear?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:54 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • Two ways. Two important ways. Talk to your hubby and talk to a counselor.
    krazyash023

    Answer by krazyash023 at 10:55 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • I think we all do this from time to time. I also think however that you need to explain all this to your doctor, just tell him/her what you told us. Maybe there's a med to help ease it, so that its not so terrifying for you. Given all you have been thru I can truely understand where it's comming from. Let me know if you need to talk. I wish you luck!

    Alwaysacarnie

    Answer by Alwaysacarnie at 10:58 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • yes,talk to your husband,and a therapist,sounds lie you have abandoment,issues,and good reasons for that,ggod luck sweety,and please get you some help,these fears do not go away on their own.
    Val504

    Answer by Val504 at 10:58 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • You need to realize that your mother abandoned you because SHE has/had serious problems, and it had nothing to do with you. You feel insecure in your marriage because you cannot understand that someone could love you and be unconditionally loyal to you, due to your experiences growing up. You can fix this by working on your self-esteem. Why do you think your husband loves you? Why do you think other people love you? Why do you love you? And maybe most importantly, why is it so terrifying to think about being left? Do you not think you are capable of living a happy and productive life on your own? You may benefit from seeing a therapist to work through this. You've got some big issues here, and a lot of work to do. But it's well worth the effort.
    BlueFrogMama

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 10:59 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • I have/had irrational fears too. I have lost lots of loved one in my lifetime, and not to normal old age stuff, usually very tragic stuff, to very young people. I still battle with it, tho it's not as bad for a few reasons. Mostly, I had to learn that God is in control. Also, my husband and I have had many long conversations about my fears, and he has tried to help me understand them...and understand them himself. Having his support has been key in this. I'm assuming your husband knows these things about you...and loves you anyway. It would be easy for me to just tell you to let go...but at some point, that's what you gotta do...but you have to find your way there first. It also may help to go talk to a counselor....bring your husband along so he can help understand things too. Good luck.

    momjoy1027

    Answer by momjoy1027 at 11:02 PM on Mar. 1, 2009

  • Are you my sister???? I have been abandoned too by my piece of shit mother. I still have the abandonment issues, but I think I have my feelings more under control. You probably have PTSD = Post Tramautic Stress Disorder. I have PTSD. I've had the counseling done and many medications to stop the panic attacks & stress attacks. Yes counseling has helped me feel more secure, but the fear of being abandoned never goes away.

    Right now I am laid-off and sometimes I'll get a fear that my boyfriend is going to kick me out to the curb with all my stuff. I know deep in my heart he would never do that to me. But, I have that fear becuase my mother done it to me plenty of times when I was growing up. The first time she did it I was 11. She broke alot of my nick nakes, etc. My mother passed away when I was 17, but if she was alive I wouldn't talk to her at all.
    BingsMommy

    Answer by BingsMommy at 12:02 AM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • fear of abandonment is deep rooted. it can cause a disorder called bpd and you can have anxiety attacks or panic attacks. you might just need some help with that. cm has some groups for it and there are books and sites for it. check some out
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:01 AM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • Your history of abandonment (especially without warning) is definitely giving you these fears because in your life you've been taught that abandonment is NOT an irrational fear because it has happened to you so many times. I am so sorry. It isn't fair for anyone, let alone children, to be treated that way. The best thing you can do is what you are doing now. Admitting that your husband loves you and took a vow to be with you until death and that fear of HIM leaving you IS irrational. Now that you've named it, you can fix it. Talk to a therapist about mental exercises you can do to rid yourself of anxiety as well as to boost your self-esteem. Don't let this affect your relationship. Keep your husband involved and updated on your healing process. Good luck!
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 2:01 AM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • "alwayscarnie" NO we do not ALL do this from time to time! OP you know where this fear of abandonment stems from... I am SO SORRY that you have this! I have experienced only a "taste" of what you have experienced! I am so sorry! We learn security from "home" from our parents! Hon, you definitely need to get some individual counseling! Then possibly some family counseling so your husband can understand where your fear stems from! So unfair what your Mother did to you!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:32 AM on Mar. 2, 2009

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