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Do I tell my 14 yr old son his dad has cirrhosis of the liver an has less then 6 months of life? And HOW do I, if I do?

My son's father has been in and out of my son's life since he was 3. I new this would come one day and because of the long hard road I do not know how to face this diffulcult walk.My son thinks his dad is god, even after all the lies, and let downs he has put him thru. I have known him since we were 13, now 35. Alcohol is what caused it, plus illegal drugs and hep C.I am double checking every word he tells me with his doctors and anywhere else I can.Once I find out if it is true, WHAT and HOW do I do the right thing. I am scared for my son to have to face this, and should he face the whole truth, or just his dad is sick and nothing more. Do I go against everything I have stood by the last 14 yrs and continue saying NO to visits or do I let my son make that decesion? Will my son hate me forever because I made the right decesions in the past but now they dont seem so right. He will never see his dad again will that be hate 4 me?

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crazy1974

Asked by crazy1974 at 9:30 PM on Mar. 2, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Well, if it's the facts, he will appreciate you more in the end for being honest and up front with him. He is 14... almost a man. Give him the chance to understand and to have these last few months with his dad, in love and grief. They will come together and form an understanding together. It's not for you to deny.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:32 PM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • 1.Do I go against everything I have stood by the last 14 yrs and continue saying NO to visits or do I let my son make that decesion?
    I think that he should make that decision...he is 14...dont take what little time him and his dad have away from him.

    2. Will my son hate me forever because I made the right decesions in the past but now they dont seem so right. I dont think so...his father did not have 6mths to live in the past.

    3.He will never see his dad again will that be hate 4 me?
    Yes, but only if you dont let him see him....Your son is 14yrs old and he deserves the truth....tell him his father is very ill and is dying..he needs to know and everyone has to handle death at some point in their life....dont shelter him from it. In the end....when he finds out the truth he will hate you.
    ChaoticSoul

    Answer by ChaoticSoul at 10:15 PM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • I lost my sister when I was his age and I wish that someone had been able to tell me that she would pass away. Now i know it will be hard but it has to be done. My mother is now dying (she has an unknown medical condition that is causing all of her organs to shut down) she told me this" *my name* you know that I love you but the stress of your sisters death proved to be too much for my body and it is shutting down. They don't know exactly how long i have because they aren't sure what it is but they told me it could be atleast six monthes or at most ten years" that was five years ago and I have become not comfortable but I have come to terms with it. It would make the grieving process alot easier on him if he knew in advance. But if his father does pass away just be prepared after my sister passed away went to my room and didn't eat or anything for three days, and then I just got angry. It'll be hard but I wish you both luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:17 PM on Mar. 2, 2009

  • I think you should let him spend time with the biological father because for some reason (i personally do not understand) biology is important to kids as they try to find their way in the world. I am not sure if long periods of time are a good idea if he is dangerous, unless there is someone else in his home (an aunt or his mother) you actually do trust.

    He will blame you forever if you do not let him do this IF he wants to. Even if he doesn't want to, he will blame himself forever if he doesn't at least go to say goodbye.
    Praying

    Answer by Praying at 1:56 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I believe at 14 he is old enough to tell him what you know and make his own decision about seeing his father. My sons biological father signed off his rights for my DH to adopt him when DS was 14 (2 years ago) and they have a very difficult past, but if I learned that biofather was dying I would tell my son and let him decide if he wanted to see him. They haven't seen each other in over 2 years but still they have a past and he was his father. I don't know your and your sons history with his father, but I think he would be more likely to be mad at you if he finds out that you knew his father was dying and did not tell him and give him a chance to say good bye to him.
    Telling him what led to the health problems is a close to home lesson in the dangers of drugs and alcohol. It is unfortunate that his father made the choices he made but 14 is old enough to deal with the reality.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 9:27 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • In my opinion, you HAVE to tell him. He is 14 and he will need your help to process this information. If he wants to see his dad, you should be supportive and do that. If he does not, then you should also be supportive, but remind him that his dad may die and he will not be able to go back and make a different choice. Either way he is going to grow up with a lot of questions about who his dad was, what happened and why. You don't want him to have the easy out of blaming you for not telling him.
    Niki_sd

    Answer by Niki_sd at 10:30 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Absolutely. You are depriving him of so much if you don't. He deserves the chance to help his dad die with dignity, to learn to love deeply, and to put another's needs before his own. He deserves the chance to spend time with his dad and not always think he can get to it tomorrow. Also, he will resent you if you make this descission for him to spare him pain. It is going to hurt now or later. There is no sparing him. Let him have his time with his dad and prepare as much as is possible for the time. It's hard but it must be done.
    jesse123456

    Answer by jesse123456 at 10:50 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • When i was 13 9 days before my 14 birthday my mother finally told me who my real father was. It hurt me so bad you just dont know! I coudlnt believe that i had grew up 14 years without knowing my real father. 1 day before my 14 birthday i lost my aunt to a car wreck! The man that hit was drunk and after he hit her he didnt stop he keeping going. It was about 10 mins after she wrecked i was on the way to school and i passed it. I had a panic attack! So on! right before i turned 15....the doctors called my mothers house phone she was at work. The doctor told me that my real father was in a comma from a car wreck. I would of done anything i mean anything ther or not to have my mother tell me that instead of the doctor. I wish i had more time to spend with him! He died 2 days after i turned 15! Listen just tell your son sit him down and tell him. Let him choose wether or not he wants to spend time with his father
    Bethy08

    Answer by Bethy08 at 2:29 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Let your son say goodbye in only a way that he knows how. Let him know whats going on, every little detail that you know. Now is not the time for you to question what you said in the past. whatever you do , don't delay telling your son. Yes, it is hard to tell them, and they will be angry but not at you, and that is something that you need to know upfront. After you tell him, he may become withdrawn, but, thats part of the process. I know this because I had to tell my 2 daughters the same thing. They were 16 and 20 when their Dad died. I was there for them every step of the way and your place will be to be with him (you don't even have to say anything) when the time comes. This will be one of the hardest things you have ever done, and I feel for you. We try everything to protect from hurt, but, it doesn't always work. Make it a time that things are kinda quiet and go from there...
    Kat122

    Answer by Kat122 at 4:19 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • My sister's mom died when she was 13. Her mom had abondoned her when she was 9 months old and had only saw her one other time. Regardless, my dad took her to the hospital to meet her mom and say goodbye; and also took her to the funeral.

    My sister has a lot of issues with her mom dying and not really knowing her. And the reality that she will never get a chance to know her. She knows her mom was sick with drug use (died as a result of sharing needles) and was just not capable of being a parent. I don't think at 13 she really even understood what was happening or why. I don't think my sister understood everything that had happened until she was in her mid-20s, but still struggles with questions in her 30s.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:02 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

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