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Do you feel bad for your friends? How do u share w/o hurting her?

By far I wouldn't say I have a "perfect" marriage or relationship with my husband but I look around at my friends and their relationships and hear all the things they go through and I'm just more and more grateful. I feel so blessed 4 my husband & how wondeful he is even with all his inperfections.

I'm heart broken 4 some of my friends it seems like they all have such huge problems (every1 has problems right?) but their problems seem to be huge.

Distrust, cheating, addictions, lieing, stealing, constant hurtful acts, Lack of job & being fully supported 4 ever by his spouse while he sits at home on his rump, etc...

Do u ladies ever feel sorry 4 ur friends?

How do u handle the umpteenth story of hurt or betrayel & how do u "share" a great weekend with ur hub or something that happened w/ him that was sweet when u feel like if u do u'll be possibly "throughing it in her face", esp when she asks u how ur week was?

Answer Question
 
Happ-eToBme

Asked by Happ-eToBme at 2:36 AM on Mar. 3, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (51 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • To be there for a friend is to know what to share with them and what not to share. If wonderful stories of you and your husband isn't going to be benneficial to them at the moment, then leave those out. However, if they're truly YOUR friends and care about you, you should be able to be honest with them about your wonderful relationship and they should be happy for you and understand that you're just talking and not throwing it in their face. While I will be friends to the end with some of our friends, I've learned that it is helpful for me to also make friends with people who have similar relationships with their DH as I do with mine. That way I can share with someone who truly relates to me and also appreciate someone whom I relate with. Your social needs ought to be met too, you shouldn't always be the one being sensitive to friends and not having them be sensitive to you.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 2:53 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • If she asks, tell her. She is the one who is choosing to stay in a relationship which makes her "miserable" and by sharing with her she may decide that she deserves to be treated good too.

    BTW - I am a single parent and do not feel bad when my married friends/family talk about their good relationships... it is not throwing anything in my face, and I am honestly happy for them.
    indigostone

    Answer by indigostone at 2:59 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • WOW!

    You know, I was just trying to get advice because, it gets to be daunting always being the ear and never being able to talk about my own relationship (like friends do, like they do w/ me)

    But it always seem like if it's not one thing it's the next, so there is never an appropriate moment to share about the lillies, or the text or what ever but YOUR so right!

    Thank you, I wasn't even looking it in that light but yes, I should have friends who have sim. relationships and whom I am able to share with as well w/o feeling I have to censor everything I say bcuz it may sound like I'm gloating when I know I'm not.

    Luckly I have recently found a few friends, unluckly they seem to have things to do and don't spend all their time on the phone w/ me...lol

    But I am going to spend less time on the phone w/ them and mome time praying for them instead.

    Thank you so much
    Happ-eToBme

    Answer by Happ-eToBme at 3:07 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I have a friend actually who I can not stand to be around her husband. He treats her like crap and she doesn't even see it. But I know if I said something to her about it she would defend him and it would not help. He constantly calls her an idiot, berates her in front of their 2 kids (ages 9 months and 3 years). He calls the baby girl a b**** and he mostly has her do all the work around the house and mowing the lawn and taking care of the kids while he sits on his butt. She complains ALL the time, but when someone says something negative about him she jumps to his defense like everyone is treating him wrong. I can't ever say anything nice about what my husband does for me (cause he's great honestly) or she finds some way to flip it around and make it sound stupid I think to make herself feel better. So I have chosen, when she complains, to just nod and say be like "oh yeah, what can you say"...it's tough though!
    AprilDJC

    Answer by AprilDJC at 3:44 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • i think everyone has problems now and again who dosen't but you shouldn't have to sensor what you say around them ..a real friend would be happy that you are happy and not want you to miserable just because they are miserable.. one of my friends went through an awful time with her ex...i was there to listen and advise if needed but i was always honest and never felt that i should say something bad about my SO in order to make her feel better, don't let their problems make you feel guilty for being happy..you deserve to be happy and so do they but if they wont takes steps to be happy there is nothing you can do about it
    dee778

    Answer by dee778 at 7:51 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • TO APRIL DJC...you need to kick your friend to the kerb hunni......
    if your husband does something good for you then you should be able to say it without her turning it into something stupid..it dosent matter if he only made you a coffee or complimented your hairstyle..its nice and he did that for you..... Good for him and for you...sounds like your friend knows how useless her husband is and is jealous and like you said trying to make herself feel better...shame on her
    dee778

    Answer by dee778 at 7:59 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • keep in mind what seems so "swell" ( your relationship) could change at any given moment. Friends are important. You might need them to lean on someday! We all get blindsided when least expected! I'm a firm believer in keeping Friends and not putting spouse ahead of them all the time!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:06 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • my husband comes before my friends. He's my life partner. But I have good friends, friends that are happy for my happiness. I have friends that are married, single, happy, miserable. I'm there for them as much as I can be. If they ask advice or my opinon I give it, but they all know that they really better want it lol. I do feel horrible for my friends that are lonely or going through a rough time, I know that just by being there for them, helps. But I can't fix their situation.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 10:13 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Have you talked to her about why she is with them? I think you need to. Sit down with her... and when she starts one of these tales again, calmly say to her, "why do you feel you have to stay with so and so if he treats you like that?" She may go on to say, "Oh I love him though," that's when you have to ask her, "but does He love You?". Go on by pointing out the actions that she takes to prove her love, and ask her if he does things to prove his. Leave it at that. She will ponder this herself, she may choice to stay with him, she may not, but at least you stepped up and said something to her.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 10:17 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • This is to ANONYMOUS: My husband does & will come b4 "friends", friends come & go my husband is not just my husband he's both my children's father, he's my best friend, he's my confedant, he's my lover and my #1 (after God & my kids). I mean the same to him, it's where he puts me & makes it clear to everyone else. Our friends applaude it.

    My friends come to me with their problems bcuz they know that my hub and I didn't always have the best relationship but that we worked hard (work hard) on it & so they come to us bcuz they know that what we have IS possible to achive.

    Further, while I love my girl friends they aren't my life and they will never replace my husband, after all my friends also have their own lives, children and spouses to put first. And that's okay, that's what a marriage is suposed to be and putting my husband after some friend or all friends wouldn't make my "swell" relationship any better.
    Happ-eToBme

    Answer by Happ-eToBme at 12:55 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

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