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Son died, mother won't let me see grandson

My son died 3 years ago. Before he died he married a girl and they had a child. According to this girl my son was very abusive to her and my grandson and she left him. Afterwards he started dating another girl and also abused her. When my son died his wife brought my grandson to the funeral and then I never saw him after that. I have tried to contact her many times and she has only responded saying "I don't want you telling my son that your son was a good father because he wasen't so I don't want you around him filling his head with lies" I know my son wasen't the best and I know my past realtionships are what caused him to think thats how you treat a woman but I don't want to be punished and not see my grandson. Can anyone give me advice on how to talk to her to explain I just want to see my grandson. She has even gone so far as to have her new husband call me and say if I keep contacting them they will call the police

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:42 AM on Mar. 3, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (54)
  • What really bugs me is a parent that causes their child to grow up damaged and affected by the environment they made for their own child. You said your son is like that because your *past relationships* and if you did not want him to be affected as an adult you should have thought about the when he was a child. There is nothing you can do now and if you exposed your son to abuse and anger from your boyfriends, you obviously didn't care if it would affect him. So when it did, and he grew up and did it, then she has every right not to want you around your grandson. IMO you caused your son this and the consequence is that you can't see your grand child because of what he did to his wife.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:49 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • But it is not my fault he made the choice to do that to her. I want to bond with my grandson. My son told her that my current husband used to beat him which isn't true and she said she wouldn't let me within ten miles of him because she doesn't trust me. Yes previous husbands were not nice to my son but that shouldn't mean I can't see and love my grandson. I don't want my grandson being raised calling some man dad that isn't his true biological father.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:59 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • She wouldn't even let my son see my grandson. She had the nerve to have a judge give him supervised visitation. I think she is not being fair. Please someone give me some advice on how to talk to her to make her understand I just want to see my grandson

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:01 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Why don't you just ask to GO VISIT THEM? You are wanting your grandson to come home with YOU?
    If that's what you are upset about you need to get a reality check..He's your grandson, not your son and no one ever said that grandchildren were required to stay at anyone's home.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:24 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I cannot believe this is a real person behind the ANON.

    You need to back off. This child does not need drama in his life - he needs a loving, consistent family. This is not about YOU or your guilt or your misplaced trust or anything.

    This is about a little boy who already has a lot on his plate.

    Put someone else first, for a change.

    Answer by Wimsey at 5:30 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • "I don't want my grandson being raised calling some man dad that isn't his true biological father."
    I will tell you straight up. Any man that raises, cares for, provides for and loves a child IS a father whether he gave the sperm or not.
    That is the man who will have the "father" role in his life and therefore he will be his father. I'm sure that your grandson will know that his biological father died.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:54 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I AM a real person! Yes I want to bring him home with me overnight. He is my grandson I want to spoil him and love him. She won't respond to me at all even when I ask just to see him for a few hours.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:56 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • That man is not his father! My son is his father. This other man is adopting him because she doesn't want her son to know where he came from-which is wrong. My son wasen't just a woman and child beater he was a good person when he was thinking

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:59 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I see where you are coming from, but your former daughter in law "thinks" she is doing whats best for her son. I understand the want to spend time with your sons child.

    Maybe you could have a discussion with your grandsons mother and explain that you want to be in his life. Start small, explain you dont want to cause problems, or drama. You just want to know and love your grandson.

    You know your son's good parts and you know the bad parts, and he is not alive anymore. She knows the dark side of him, and cant let go of it. At some point she will need to, for both her and her son.

    I wish you luck, my older brother died. His oldest daughters didnt have them in their lives until 2 years before he died. I promised him I would always keep in touch with all his children.. If her were alive today, he would have 2 granddaughters.


    Answer by Anonymous at 6:33 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • First of all, to lose your son is an awful tragedy that no mother should ever have to feel. The fact that he grew up and was abusive stemming from your past relationships YOU have to take responsibility for COMPLETELY before moving forward. Your gs's mother is protecting her child (as you should have yours) and you are NOT going to force your opinion, views, etc upon her to let her see your gs. Trial and error. You havent change the person that you are therefore she will not let you see him. And yes, you need to change. You are all about running around here saying "I wanna see him, I wanna see him" and My son is the Father! Most states do not have grandparent rights, for the reasons probably just like this. You are only going to tarnish things more by bugging and badgering. Give it alot of time like a year... and try with a diff approach. But chances are she isnt going to give.... "a mothers love is blind" sometimes

    Answer by cksem at 7:11 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

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