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How can I get her to open her eyes... or am I wrong for trying?

My best friend has been married for 9 years & has 2 kids. She has been calling me alot the past few months to vent and ask for relationship advice, and in the midst of this I've found things out about their relationship that I had no idea were happening (him cheating on her when she was pregnant with their first child, him being brought up on charges for being a peeping tom getting them kicked out of their apartment and he's thrown remotes at her which struck her in the face). More recently he has been giving her hell since she started school, accusing her of cheating on him at school (she is maintaining a 4.0 GPA), he's controlling & must know where she is all the time, threatening to take the kids, and telling her she has to choose between him and her friends and if she was to leave the kids would have to stay with him until she takes legal action or he would have her arrested for kid napping!
Am I wrong 2 advise her 2 leave

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harahcookie

Asked by harahcookie at 9:38 AM on Mar. 3, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • No you aren't wrong at all. n BUT, be aware that untill she is ready to do something, things you say will fall on deaf ears...just make sure you are there for her.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 9:40 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I don't know what state you are in but here in Arkansas being "accused" of cheating is grounds for divorce!! pm me for more info... And to answer your question.. Be there for your friend.. thats what friends are for...
    honeys_sugamama

    Answer by honeys_sugamama at 9:44 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • You aren't wrong to give her advice that you feel is the right thing to do. Don't push her though. That will only give her reason to push you away and she needs you right now. Be a shoulder to cry on and mention your feelings on it once but just let her make her decision. She has to be ready and in time, she will. But she will also remember how supportive you were and will need your help. This is a tough situation, I know. But it sounds like you are doing a great job by letting her cry on your shoulder about it. If you suggest leaving and she says she wants to but doesn't know how, do some research for her and help. That is like her giving you the window of opportunity and crying for help. If she acts hesitant when you suggest it, back off from it for a while.

    DDry

    Answer by DDry at 9:45 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I don't know about advising her to leave, although it is certainly good advice. I think I'd advise her to get counseling or talk with her religious adviser. This way she would hopefully find out for herself that she should take a sharp look at her life and decide if she wishes to continue like this. It would be her conclusion then, not your urging or suggestion, and she would not associate you with this decision. other than your continued support. Just a thought.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 9:45 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • No, you are not wrong. You're being a good friend. Like the first poster said, be patient because she may not listen at first. Also, just to soothe her fears, he cannot charge her with kidnapping if she takes the kids unless there is a custody order in place stating that he has custody of them. So she needs to do something now before he takes off with the kids and she can't do anything about it. If she chooses to leave with the kids she needs to file for emergency temporary custody so that he can't come and take them from her without getting in trouble with the law. I would tell her to start looking up things like this but since she isn't ready maybe you could start looking up all of the steps she needs to take so that when she is ready you can tell her exactly what she needs to do. For example, go ahead and find a find legal assistance for her in case she can't afford a lawyer. I wish her the best of luck.
    vnw1405

    Answer by vnw1405 at 9:47 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Not your not wrong at all. You just want t he best for your friend becasue you love her. If she's not ready to leave she is not going to. Just be available for her when she needs to vent or needs advice. In due time maybe she'"ll come around and see that this relationship isn't healthy and leave but until then just continue to be her best friend and stay strong for the both of ya'll.
    sunshinestar110

    Answer by sunshinestar110 at 9:48 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • She needs to seek help from a womens shelter . ABUSE is ABUSE and from reading what you wrote I see physical, emotional, and mental abuse . She NEEDS to GET OUT and NO he can not take the kids from her until they go to court or any type of legal action is taking place . He is just saying that to threaten her so she won't leave . Help her out honey the best way you can !
    katherine4

    Answer by katherine4 at 9:48 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • TELL HER NOT TO LEAVE HER KIDS< SHE CAN LEAVE WITH THEM OR KICK HIM OUT< TAKE THEM AND GO TO AN ABUSIVE SHELTER< THEY WOULD PROTECT HER AND HER KIDS IF SHE LEAVES THEM WITH AN ABUSIVE PERSON IT WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON HER> SHE SHOULD GO TO A SHELTER< THEY ARE NICE AN CLEAN AN SHE CAN GAIN BACK HER INDEPENDANCE> BUT TELL HER NOT TO LEAVE HER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:50 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I've been looking up free legal aid, and I found a survey made by abused women and read it to her. I think it opened her eyes cuz she answered yes to at least half the questions.
    But he is trying to tell her that she is manipulating him.... now this is just about impossible since she has always been one of the most gullible people I have known, but he is trying to turn the tables and make her think that he is the gullible one.
    harahcookie

    Answer by harahcookie at 9:52 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Let me tell you I have been there, done that. My BFF has been with her huband for 20 years. She calls me cries that he is a cheater, peeping tom, verbally abusive, controlling....ect. Some really bad things have happened. Well, I listen give advice and that is about all I can do. She may NEVER leave him....and he is a creap. But I figuire my job is to be a friend to her, not to judge. She has lost many friends over him (he also a groper). I would be easier for me to just wash my hands of it because it is infuriating and I did have to tell her that I would never allow her groper husband around my daughter and my husband doesn't really want me around him either..... BUT the way I see it. She needs friends. So I let her talk to me when she wants and do what she will, but she knows I am here. ALWAYS! Just to listen, advise and not judge.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:13 AM on Mar. 3, 2009

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