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How does a mom respond to finding out that my ex-husband and my family (his in-laws,) are having a secret and private Sweet 16 Birthday party? I have primary custody and my daughter told me she does not want me at her party.But the following week we are going on a Make-a Wish trip for her brother to Disney. Anger and hurt are overriding any joy I should have, S.O.S?

Do I send her to live with her father? Do I smile and just keep going? Why should I continue to provide a safe and stable home for a less than respectful daughter? I really wanted to have a party for her, but not in addition too, two for one only teaches greed! She told me that she and her father cashed out her savings bonds for college to pay for the party! How do I process this resentment building in me? I want to be her mother but I can not continue to do so if I am excluded from once in a life time passages. My husband has been very kind by not putting her on the porch for being so disrespectful. I feel my hands are tied and I have to put up with this abuse from her and my family as punishment for trying to teach her responsibility for her actions. I really don't want her to go with us on the trip, not as punishment, but because I am so hurt and I need to be happy and strong for my son who is the make-a wish child.

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Asked by chevellemom3 at 1:38 PM on Mar. 3, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (41)
  • SHe sounds like a selfish little B*tch to me. The hell with her and that dysfunctional family of yours. Concentrate on your son.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:48 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • why should you provide a safe and stable home for your daughter whether she is respectful or a brat....hmmmm BECAUSE YOUR HER MOTHER!!!!!!
    I get that your hurt that she doesnt want you at her party but maybe she just doesnt want to have her mom there (SHES A TEENAGER they never want their parents around). For you to say that you cant go on being her mother if you dont get to go to her party is rediculous, are you in first grade??? (well i wont do this if I cant go to your birthday party).
    How about you just tell her you are hurt by her not wanting you there and wish that you could come for a while to celebrate with her and the family. As for the $ when she wants you to pay for college tell her she spent the money and needs to figure out how to pay it on her own now.
    Focus on your son and the fun you will have with him whether she goes on the trip or invites you to the party or not

    Answer by ReneeLRS at 1:53 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Another fine example of a generation intitled *rolling eyes* Who let her take the money out? She coudlnt have done it on her own without someone with her, right? And who is letting her spend it? She obviously has watched too much Sweet 16 on mtv, and I am amazed that both you and her father have let her take the money and do what she wants with it. Both of you need to be parents and say NO

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:57 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I think you sound like you're competing with your ex for her approval. He is competing with you, too. Cashing out college money is extravagant, and got your daughter's attention. What will you do to "up the ante"? No one wins in this type of competition.

    She's a teen. They like to take sides and play one parent against another to get the most for themselves.

    As for not being invited to her Sweet 16 party, why are you hurting? Would you be hurting if you were friends with someone who was invited to a party and you weren't? You would just assume the person putting on the party wanted your friend there and didn't want you because they either didn't get along with you or something. In this case, it's obvious the ex doesn't want you at the party because of the divorce. DD just wants to spend that time alone with Dad.

    I wouldn't be punitive and keep DD from the Disney trip. That would make you look like a pouting baby

    Answer by timelessglass at 1:58 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I think you are being selfish. It's her party given by her dad with money he chooses to use. What has that got to do with you? You are making her party be about you and your extreme thoughts that she's ungrateful and disrespectful sounds like you are a drama queen and wanting to be center of attention. This isn't about you. It's about her. I wouldn't attend a party given to my child by their dad. I'm not in his life anymore so it's expected I wouldn't be there. You need to grow up. If you treat her like this on a daily basis she probably might want to go live with dad and I wouldn't blame her one bit.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:06 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • Do you think she's having a hard time dealing with the emotions of having an ill sibling and all the attention that he is getting (even if that doesn't sound logical to you) and perhaps you're not quite the person you would be to her if you weren't having to cope with your son's illness. Maybe this is the only way she can get control over the situation.

    Answer by super_mommy4 at 2:06 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I agree with Super Mommy.. I am also thinking that perhaps she thinks there might be a scene made if you are there, on account of the party given by her father, your EX Husband, and having that side of her family there...

    But I also agree she is being a brat as well

    Answer by Zanny at 2:24 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • It sounds to me like the father is brain washing her, by doing things that seem good to her behind your back is major disrespect. Though you are not together doesn't mean that the kids lead secret lives when there around either of you. He needs to be put in check for incuraging your daughter to disrespect you, if they want to through her a party thats fine but to hide it, thats wrong, even if she didn't want you there nothing should have to be hidden

    Answer by NicholeAT at 2:40 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • sounds like to me daddy is playing the game of getting his child to love him more for whatever reason, parents do this kind of stuff to hurt the other parents feelings and guess what it worked..

    Answer by mrssundin at 2:49 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

  • I don't think teens have any idea how hurtful their words are. I used to say all king=ds of things to my parents and Im surprised they survived it. My parents were married and a support for eachother and i knew they would never give up on me. They didn't care if I liked them they just did the right thing and stood their ground. It sent me a msg that they loved me and I was worth something and they would always hold me accountable. now that im a parent i can see how this stuff hurts your feelings, but you have to be her parent and love her and provide a home and know that no matter what you will always love her.

    Answer by ria7 at 2:51 PM on Mar. 3, 2009

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