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Why do some older moms judge younger moms?

My son was born when about a week before my 20th birthday. I look a lot younger than 20, btw...I've noticed that a lot of women, especially the older mommies, looking down at my hand to see if I'm married...or they even come right out and ask me if I am! Whats the difference? I mean, I AM married, but would I not be as good of a mother if I wasn't? Just because I wasn't married when D-Bear was born doesn't mean I don't give him everything he needs!


Asked by metalhealthmama at 12:40 PM on Mar. 4, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (15)
  • First of all, about "older women" asking...they ALL do that no matter what age you are. They come from the perspective where it was less "ok" to be pregnant and unwed when they were growing up and are interested in the changing tides. They also view anyone under the age of 40 as super-young. I was a nursing home social worker when I was pregnant and I was CONSTANTLY commented on how young I was to be having children (I was 23, college educated, had a career and married lol). They don't mean any harm.

    About everyone else. Not as many people are judging you as you think they are. You're reading too much into it. A lot of women know what they'd want for their own daughters and know that it CAN be a struggle to be a young, single mom. They probably hope for the best for you and hope you're not struggling. People have the uncanny NEED to just make comments and rarely think before they speak.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 1:21 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • Because they keep posting this same question over and over. ;-)

    Answer by Avarah at 12:41 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • In what context are they asking those questions?

    I've NEVER asked nor been asked a question like that.

    (Maybe because I was old old old when I had our first).

    Sounds like you need to find a new, nicer group of people!

    Answer by Wimsey at 12:41 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • Avarah-haha, sorry. It just happened when I went to the CVS. I got back and had to write about it on Cafemom as fast as I could, LMAO.

    Wimsey-It'll start out as them looking at D-Bear...and then they slowly meet my eyes...and they don't have look very far from the Bear to me, I'm under 5 feet...and this look kinda registers on their face like, oh! she's young! I mean, its not ALL of them. There are lost of cool older chicks out there who keep it just about the baby, but there a bunch of them that feel the need to find out my age and marital status.

    Answer by metalhealthmama at 12:46 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • Yeah I understand where you are coming from. I am 21 and I stand about 4'9. I am 8 1/2 months so when I go shopping older women tend to ask me wow how old are you blah and I have been ask even though I have a wedding ring if I am married or not. I guess they just feel the need to do it. It upsets me, but I guess they feel the need to go that extra mile and ask or something =/.

    Answer by jdbrown21 at 12:48 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • Don't feel bad. I was 35 with my son and 37 with my daughter and I still got the look for a ring. Unfortunately my fingers swelled pretty bad early on so I couldn't wear my rings for most of my pregnancies. Totally ridiculous judgement.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:52 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • I have heard of this a lot but I have never experienced it. I was 17 when I had my son and never really heard anything from strangers, except my uncles friend said "babies having babies". He was a little dude so I said "at least I'm taller than you" and everyone started cracking up. If someone said that to me, I would probably ask them how old they are and whether they are married!

    Answer by TanyaR1024 at 12:59 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • What cracks me up is when I get the "young mom" looks and comments, and I inform them that I am in fact 31. Kills me every time.

    You know, maybe instead of assuming they're judging you as an unfit parent, perhaps consider the possibility that they are curious because they feel a special sympathy for young single moms. It's a hard road to walk at any age, but even more so the younger you are. So maybe they're motivated by compassion more so than condemnation. Just a thought...

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 1:00 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • BlueFrogMama, I hope thats it. I'm sure thats the case with some of them and I'm just a little overly sensitive.

    Answer by metalhealthmama at 1:12 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • (cont.) everyone does it regarding all aspects of life and lifestyle. You notice the things that you're sensitive to more than the other comments that you brush off every day.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 1:22 PM on Mar. 4, 2009