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Do you think it is appropriate for a father to wash his nine year old daughters hair while she is naked in the bath? What about her going into his bed when he is only wearing underwear?

I am upset by these things. My ex husband does these things with my daughter. I don't think he is doing anything with her, but I think this is highly inappropriate! I just sent an email telling him so. I mentioned that I didn't think he would appreciate my husband ( daughters step father) doing these things. They buy her underwire bras which she does NOT need and dress her like a teenager, and then they treat her like she is a baby. It is weird. When I drop her off, he says ", say goodbye to mama". He does everything for her so when she is at our house, she thinks she shouldn't have to do anything. It is frustrating.

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:02 PM on Mar. 4, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (34)
  • Eh... IDK. It depends on your family. She should probably be able to wash her own hair though, shouldn't she? He is her dad, maybe just talk to him about it. I'm sure most dads reach a point where they decide a line should be drawn. Maybe he's just not there yet.

    Answer by sfwilson at 8:06 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • You have a boat load of issues going on there. The first question of the bath and bed, I see nothing wrong with that. He is her father and unless you think something is going on, I see nothing wrong with that. As for the underwire bra a such, that seems a little odd. I would have a conversation with him, in person, about it the inconsistency in he is treating her. Not only inconsistent with your ideas, but also with their own behaviors sending her the wrong messages. GL!

    Answer by kboney29 at 8:07 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • A nine year old can wash her hair herself. At nine, my mom didn't see me naked and definitely not my dad. I don't think girls should be walking around with their shirts off anyhow, breasts or no breasts, so I definitely find it odd that he would have her in the bed with him in just her undies.
    I do think you could have handled it differently though, talking to him face-to-face rather than via email

    Answer by MicahsMom612 at 8:09 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • She does wash her hair at our house all the time.
    As for her sleeping with him she is in pj's but he is only in his tighty whiteys. The reason I emailed is he is very nasty to me. We agreed a very long time ago that we would not communicate face to face. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

    Answer by stassy77 at 8:14 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • I wonder if you are gearing up to take on full custody by accusing her dad of molestation?
    Or maybe you are just a suspicious type.

    If your daughter is uncomfortable, then it's not appropriate.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:16 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • NO it is not Appropriate. She needs to learn some modesty, so buy her a robe and tell to cover up, out of respect her self and her father and also tell her that she is getting to old to be sleeping with her dad. (he needs to wear PJ's).
    When she comes home with the underwire bras, take her back to the mall and returnd them and tell her that other typs of bras would fit her better. Tell your daughter a moms know best about girls stuff, so if she needs anything to tell you and you both can go to the mall. Keep everything you send him in writing just in case.
    I would also send her to her fathers less and less.

    Answer by gammie at 8:25 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • She's too old to be naked in front of her dad. She should be able to wash her own hair by that age. I would wonder why the guy would even want to wash a her hair at that age. It's strange.

    Answer by SylviaNCali at 8:36 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • At this point he's just being a parent to your daughter. Unless he's a child molesting pervert, don't take her to her father's less and less as one PP mentioned, she needs both parents to form her opinions of role models she will need all her life. As for the bras and stuff, have you thought she may be asking him to buy her these things, and being a typical man, he has no idea that they are age-inappropriate? You speak of "they" is there a step mom or GF there to help? She may be part of the problem too. Frankly me dear, it sounds like you are mounting a stealth campaign to remove her father from your daughter's life. I don't advise it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:35 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • I know when my daughter was 9 I still had to help her with her hair or it would not get clean.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:18 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

  • Our kids all manage to crawl in bed with us in the night, and my dh wears boxers to bed. Whatever. When I was nine I was able to shampoo my own hair (my 4-year-old can shampoo and rinse her own hair), but every child is different. Dads can be kind of out of touch with some things. Maybe he just isn't aware yet that she is old enough to do it on her own. How about saying "Hey _____ is getting old enough to wash her own hair. She has told me that she would appreciate some privacy in the bath-tub."

    Answer by flower_momma at 10:26 PM on Mar. 4, 2009

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