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I'd like to speak to other adoptive moms

We adopted a little girl about a year ago after fostering her for 2 years she wanted a sister her counselors suggested we go ahead and adopt another child. We are in that process now, but our already adopted child is regressing and my husband is very up set that we have done the wrong thing that we will destroy the lovely child we already had. The new child is a super challenge she has lived in a group home for over 3 years and has lots of issues including being very detached at times. We have even talked about returning her, but that doesn't seem right. We don't want to damage our already adopted daughter, but now what?

 
eleanor9802

Asked by eleanor9802 at 12:25 PM on Mar. 5, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (8)
  • The above poster asked the question that was running through my mind. Have you already started the adoption proceedings or still in the fostering phase?

    We have had to do a displacement and while it's not easy, I think you and your husband will both know if it's the right situation for you.

    You also haven't mentioned ages and that information might help for others to give you advice as well.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:52 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

  • Are you fostering this new child or already in the process of adopting (sorry, I do not even know if there is a difference). IMO, your first prioroty should be your legal child.
    IZs_mommy

    Answer by IZs_mommy at 12:34 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

  • Have you explored the adoption groups here on CafeMom? There are some that are specific to Foster/Adopt and I'm sure ladies that have been in your exact or similar position would be there in larger numbers.

    It's definately a tricky position that you are in. If your first adopted child understands the difficulties or believes that "bad behavior" could cause you as parents to abandon her - if you do go through with a disruption and return the new child to the system - you might have 2 traumatized kids!

    Some adoptees at very young ages are sensitive to things that they interpret as abandonment - even if it doesn't occur to them and in fact could make their enviornment less chaotic. I hope you get some advice from parents who have been through this.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:21 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

  • What I am stuck on here is that you decided to adopt again because your child wanted a sibling. If you were willing/able (dont know your situation in this regard) to get pregnant would you have done that on the suggestion or want of your child? I figured you might understand that some kids from the foster care system have difficult issues sometimes & that it might be a disruption to your family dynamic. Even biologically created families, though experience some adjustment issues when adding to their family. Its not uncommon for the older child to regress a bit when you bring the new one home. There are ways of dealing with this. If its was your bio child you couldnt just consider "returning" them because your family was having problems adjusting.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

  • If you don't think that you are the best fit for that child then you need to let the social worker know. It does happen. But it has nothing to do with that little girl you brought into your home - the one who is acting out. It does have everything to do with the fact that your home may not be the best environment for that child. It takes a lot of time, money, energy, patience, and an infinite amount of understanding. Not all foster parents realize initially what they are in for. It doesn't make you a bad person or bad parents. It just means that perhaps you were never the right parents for this child. You need to be very realistic in the situations you bring into your home. I would also let the child know it is nothing she did. I would honestly tell her I don't have the skills it takes to provide you with what you need. Because that would be the truth. Again, not a negative about you. Just stating a fact.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

  • Even in biological families, a child might regress for a while after a new sibling is born. I do not believe that is at all unusual. I think if handled properly, it rarely destroys a child when siblings come along....adopted or not. Please try to get some counseling and try to work this out if possible.

    Did you want to adopt another child now or did you do so because the counselor suggested it? It seems out of line for a counselor to make such a suggestion to me. It makes more sense to give your first child lots of time to adjust before adopting again.


    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:13 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

  • Children are not toys to be taken back to the toy shop. If you do return this child I hope you never try to adopt another child!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:50 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

  • What do bios do when they have a problem with their kids??? On the other hand Nebraska had kids brought to their state that parents couldn't or wouldn't handle. Poster is right kids aren't toys and this child may have reactive attachment disorder. You need to check all of this out. This is why me and my husband adopt infants. It's amazing how infants even newborns need so much more then we think they do. It's not about your daughter and regression as much as it might be about you and your husband handling this child. I would get counseling and talk to the social worker. This little one sounds scared to death ( the new one)...
    Boost

    Answer by Boost at 6:38 PM on Mar. 5, 2009

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