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When do you know your marriage is over? When does it become serious enough to know how it's affecting the children?

If you decide to divorce, how do you help your children cope? How do you try to be as civil as possible with your spouse (if you were to divorce) when he refuses to cooperate?
Is it better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children?

Answer Question

Asked by tedabear at 12:06 AM on Jun. 20, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (11)
  • I had to ask this question last year when my husband had an affair. I am a Christian, and dropped to my knees when I found out. Over the next 5 days...God told me to stay where I am and hold onto Him. I had every biblical reason to leave...but my first desire is to obey God and do as He tells me. Search your heart, advice and counsel from godly people & pray. The book of Malachi Chpr 2:8 God says He HATES divorce. My 1st husband & I divorced and it has been hell on the kids. Living at 2 houses, split between the loyalties of the parents. With the 2nd (and last) husband I got 2 stepdaughters in addition to my sons Being a stepparent is THE hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than childbirth and divorce put together. Seek counseling together... Christian counselor. My hubby and I didn't go together, but it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Except of course enter into a relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ. Now there is life! Blessings~

    Answer by traciesbw0101 at 12:27 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • If you are unhappy to the point of depression, it's better for your kids to have happy parents. If they are young still, it's even better. They won't have much memory of the split. Make sure this is a problem that has already been worked on to the fullest and all options have been exhausted before giving up.

    Answer by rae_dawg at 12:27 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • I was unhappy for 4 years. I stayed for our kids. But as I slipped deeper and deeper into depression, it started effecting my children. My girls were constantly hugging me and asking me if I was ok. They would never leave my side. Finally, I had to get out. I just wasn't happy with him anymore. You have to do what's right for you and yours. In my opinion, it is -never- ok to stay together for the kids. It doesn't hurt you. It hurts them.

    Answer by sweetbutsinful at 12:41 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • If you decide to divorce, make sure the kids know its not about them, they made need counseling to learn to cope. As far as dealing with the potential ex, treat things as a business transaction, be to the point and keep it simple, such as drop off times for the kids, sheduling visits, etc. If the marriage is over, its all about the kids and they're well being, keep personal feelings about him out of the pic, its a painful waste of time, just be delibrate and to the point and keep it about the kids. You'll know the marriage is over , you just know. Try marriage counseling before ending it, even if it does'nt work out, you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot before calling it quits. Good luck to you, I've been down this road , and it's not an easy thing to go through.

    Answer by sunshinecalimom at 3:05 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • You have the choice to be happy or not. Your husband can effect how you view life, of course, but staying in a mariage for the children, you are making the choice to be a very good actor. and sometimes that is what the children need to grow up secure and healthy, children need both set's of parents, even if the parents are miserable! the children will still benefit from it. divorce is in my mind only an option if there's abuse involved. Sure it's hard being in a relationshsip with an unfaithful man, but take control of your own feelings and try to find healing and breakthrough for your marriage.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:10 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • Confused1246
    I feel that my unhappiness is effecting our children...I am miserable and crabby and can no longer "act" as if I I just being a coward to not make a more.....
    How will I do this all financially....we have a mortgage, car payments, a daughter in college, (my house is in the front lot of my parents...who help me so much with the kids) what if I lose the house parents moved closer to us to help ...but I couldn't afford to finance this all on my own???? I am so confused and need help!!!

    Answer by Confused1246 at 4:15 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • I have been in that place many times, not knowing what is best for the children. The children do need to learn that we are not always going to "feel happy", we are not always going to "treat each other well" but the most important thing is that they learn "forgiveness" without that nothing can last for very long. Forgiveness is hard at the time but very rewarding to the person doing the forgiving. Before I got to the serious thought of leaving, I got some help, sound counseling, from a person in my church. She helped me to understand that I was causing some of what was happening in our home and helped me to stop thata behavior (not perfectly) but enough to make things better. And when I began to change so did my husband. We still have times where it raises its ugly head again, but not like before. And the children are learning forgiveness and that they can not always be happy in every situation and how to process all of that.

    Answer by BreakingFree at 8:19 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • A bad marriage is not healthy for the children neither is divorce. My spouse and i were on the brink because of his bad decisions however he was sorry and was willing to change and two years later I'm glad I decided to fight for my family. My advice to you is to look at the situation with new perspective and make the decision to fight for you family to give your children a brighter future. Now I will give you the tools two books both by Emmerson Eggrich- Love and Respect and Cracking the communication code these books were designed in a way that even if your hubby doesn't participate at first your actions & changes will change him unknowingly. Good Luck and don't give up. You can send me a message if you have more questions.

    Answer by Getpaidwithxoxo at 11:34 AM on Jun. 20, 2008

  • I do not think it is good for children to see their parents always miserable together. I would never want my daughters to feel they had top stay in a marriage that caused them nothing but grief. That is not healthy & that is not a marriage in my eyes. Let your children know that you love them & their father loves them. It is important that they see that the divorce has nothing to do with them.

    Answer by mommybug77 at 10:57 PM on Jun. 22, 2008

  • Such as hard situation as I am there myself. I feel I've done everything to heal the rift but it continues to grow. He doesn't want to do the work! So while I say stay and work every way you can, if its just one person trying than maybe it's over. At that point the only priority is the well being of the children. Since they naturally resonate with truth, esp the younger ones, tell them it has nothing to do with them and let them know both parents love them just as much if not more than before. BEST

    Answer by Oshun55 at 10:51 PM on Jul. 6, 2008

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