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How do I tell him I want to be a sahm?

So for the past five years I have been working only part time, and going to school full time to get my Bachelor's degree. The plan was, that I will go on to get my Master's degree, in Mental Health Counseling, get a great job, and support my husband for once, since he has supported me all these years. But, I have fallen in love with being a stay at home mom. I graduated in Dec. and since then I have been home with my boys five days a week, and I love it. I am planning on home-schooling them, and I really don't want to go back to work full time just now. I'm thinking that I want to wait until the boys are 10 and 12 ( they are 3 and 5 now), and then go back to get my Master's, and go back to work full time then. I know he loves me, and will support whatever decision I make, but I feel bad making him work full time, for so long, when I only work 2 days a week. Is it wrong for me to have changed my mind? Help??


Asked by my2.5boys at 10:25 AM on Mar. 7, 2009 in Relationships

Level 17 (4,394 Credits)
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Answers (8)
  • ...'ya know, hun...I'd like to stay home with the kids for a go make the money and take care of us.' And in all honesty, if he said that, my first reaction would be something along the lines of shock and then fear that I had all that responsibility on me. The last time I supported anybody alone it was only myself and my son...the thought of being in my husband's shoes supporting a wife and 3 kids with a mortgage and car payments and stuff...that would scare me. But my husband does it everyday and I always try to keep that in mind he does it without complaint and without letting me know how afraid he is...and for that, he's my, I think it would be unfair of YOU to change the plan in mid-stream without a serious discussion with him and make sure he has permission to say 'no, I don't like this idea' without fear of reprisal from you. I just think as wives with great husbands like that, we owe them.

    Answer by mizkaye at 11:53 AM on Mar. 7, 2009

  • no its not wrong you changed your mind but you do need to sit down and talk with him. you need to make sure you two can afford for you to stay home with the kids. just sit down and talk about it. he may feel you two cant afford for you to do that or he may be completly ok with it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:36 AM on Mar. 7, 2009

  • well I've been working only two days a week for almost 2 years now, and we aren't struggling. I can always pick up more days at work if needed, but I prefer not to. I handle all the finances, and from a financial point it's not a problem. I just feel like I've been misleading him these past five years. He works so hard for us, and I want to do my share. Not to be mean, but I always felt like sahms were kind of lazy. But now I understand better. It's not about being lazy, it's about wanting to spend time with your children, while they are young, and you have the most influence. I love that I know my kids! And I look forward to helping them grow and learn even more!

    I still want my career, just not yet. I know that when the kids are grown, and no longer need me, I will need to have something else to focus my attention on. That's why I still want to go back to school, and get my Master's, just not yet. They need me too much.

    Answer by my2.5boys at 10:47 AM on Mar. 7, 2009

  • I think a discussion along the lines of 'what do you think about this idea?' instead of 'hey honey, I changed my mind' is in order. The one thing I have learned through my years of being on all sides of this fence (single working mom, then married working mom who made more money, then SAHM, then part-time, then full-time, then back to SAHM, and now part-time with the occasional college class thrown in there when I had the time...LOL!) is that the feminist movement has done a great job of giving women lots of choices but not the men. All through my career moves my husband has done one He's always worked full-time...and at a hard, manual labor job..and he's never complained and he's always been my biggest supporter. It humbles me to think I could sit here and on a whim decide to be a SAHM again and he would say 'ok babe' and simply go on working. It would never occur to him to sit down and say...

    Answer by mizkaye at 11:50 AM on Mar. 7, 2009

  • You tell him honestly and forthrightly. No beating around the bush...get to the point with logically laid out reasoning.

    But let me tell you something that I've observed, now that I am a mom of a nine-year-old? It's actually harder to be a working mom when they're in elementary school and easier when they're young. At least in this house it is...there are so many school activities and commitments these days and I can rarely make any of them. And there's the issue of care before and after school. Child care was EASY up to age 5, then things got tough.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:05 PM on Mar. 7, 2009

  • Just tell him. I told my husband and we weighed the benefits. No daycare and I still do parties on the weekends. I make about 1000 a month and love my job, because I can stay home with my son, do online classes and meet new people doing my parties educating women on sexuality and relationships. Check out my journal post if you want more info. It could be a good opportunity for you!

    Answer by mrsmilander at 1:13 AM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • Tell him you're doing it, and you will find a way to make it work.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:38 AM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • Thanks ladies! This has been on my mind a lot lately, and I guess I need to just sit down and talk to him about it.

    Mizkaye, of course I am willing to hear his side, and if he asks me not to put off school, I wont. I realize this is a partnership, and we have to work together. The problem is, I know he will do anything to make me happy, and that generally means whenever I ask what he thinks, his response is always, whatever you want. I think he just doesn't realize that I genuinely want his opinion, and not just a yes man.

    Ok, well when the time is right, I will just have to bring it up and see what he has to say!

    Thanks again ladies!

    Answer by my2.5boys at 10:03 AM on Mar. 8, 2009

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