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Custody question

When I was pregnant I got a restraining order on the baby's father. Since I have had her I have been worried about him deciding after the restraining order is up that he wants something to do with the baby. I want to reinstate the order, but I don't know that I can because I have no proof of him going against it. So I just found out that he is engaged. At first that made me happy - maybe he would get married and forget about us(lol) and not ever try to be in the baby's life. But then I realized that that might give him an advantage ? If he got married, and I am still single, would that make him a better "parent" for her ? If he took me to court could he use that ?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:57 PM on Mar. 8, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • Honestly, yes he can try to use that against you. ...but that doesnt mean it's going to work. Just the fact that you have a past of needing an order against him already says something to the judges. Just keep fighting. No matter what it takes, keep fighting!!!

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:11 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • I'm not 100% sure on this, but I would say no, I don't think just him getting married will make him a more desirable parent then you are. I stronly recommend looking into child custody laws in your state, some states including mine have laws that say someone who is a domestic abuser can't get custody and often times can only get supervised visitation.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:11 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • I have to disagree with anon. I am in a custody battle and one of the benefits for us is that DH and i are married and the mother of DH's son is not married. ...a benefit on her side is that she has a sibling for DS and we dont. ...yes. he could argue that bc he is married he provides a more stable family unit and bc of that it would be in the best interest of the child for him to have (at least) partial custody of the baby. ...but like i said, ...just bc that is what he can argue doesnt mean that anyone is going to believe it. He has to do more then say it. He has to prove it.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:18 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • No him being married does not make him a "better" parent. Courts very rarely take a child from the mother. The fact that there was a restraining order against him to begin with proves that he isn't the best parent. I agree that you need to look into the laws in your state. They are different everywhere. Here if the parents were never married the father has to apply for parental rights, that can get expensive. Most fathers dont take the time or money to do it, I know my sons dad didnt.

    Answer by Chandra034 at 2:19 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • It depends on a lot more than that, though it would make him look stable to be married. You have a restraining order, but honestly those are so easy to get and women get them for almost anything these days so that might not mean much. DH's ex had on against him at one point...he isn't violent or abusive, but she knew that if she lied and got one then that would be to her advantage. In the five years that I have been with him he has never acted the ways that she claimed he did.
    I don't know his side, and obviously won't get it, so I won't judge him or say that his isn't fit or shouldn't have the chance to be in his child's life.
    He could use it in court, but it might not matter.
    Hopefully if you are not letting or wanting him to be in his kid's life you are not asking him to pay CS either. That would be very wrong.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:44 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • OP : He beat me when I was pregnant, he threatened to kill me, the baby and my whole family then burn my house down because I tried to break up with him, I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone or go anywhere without him, he stole things from me, and he was addicted to cocaine. I had plenty of reason to get a restraining order. And no I have not had anything to do with him, including asking for child support. I want absolutely NO contact with him.
    Thanks everyone for your answers.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:54 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • The laws are different in every state. When I was going through a divorce my ex said he was going to fight for custody because he would look bad if he didn't.....he didn't care about the kids' best interest. My attorney told me not to worry, it's very difficult getting children away from their mothers. She said if I did something like have sex with someone in front of the kids then I should worry. The jerk tried telling lies about me, but the judge could see right through him. It shouldn't make a bit of a difference if he is married. The judge isn't going to decide that a step mother is better for your baby than you are, especially with your ex's violence. Just make sure your ex has nothing to use against you in court. The judge will not rule against you simply because you are single. Single mother's are so common now. I know this sucks, but your ex will probably get visitation rights at some point.

    Answer by LoriW at 3:12 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • did he go to jail for any of those things you said?

    Answer by ZaTa at 3:19 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • No he did not go to jail. I called the police on him once because he broke in my house. They came, handcuffed him, and put him in the car. 30 minutes later he was calling me from his house. They only brought him home and let him go.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:24 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

  • the reason I ask- unless you can prove he has done all of those thing you say- the judge will not stop him from seeing his son if he takes you for visitation. As said above, unless YOU are doing something wrong then they won't take physical custody from you

    Answer by ZaTa at 4:33 PM on Mar. 8, 2009

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