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I busted my husband of 20 years cheating on me, what's up with that? Any success stories?

I need some support and friends to get me through this. I love this man, we have three teenage children, have had a wonderful life together and get along well. Lately he has been telling me that I have been nagging and telling him he is doing somthing or the other wrong. He seems very angry when there was not particular incident to relate it to.

He seems to have made a major shift and is trying to turn the tables to make me feel that I am the one who has betrayed our marriage. I am fighting the table turning and am feeling pretty alone.

Anybody out there I can lean on would be wonderful, as there aren't many friends in my life at this point. I live 30 minutes from town and am very lonely and scared.

Please help.

Mary Ann

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Asked by MaryAnn1225 at 10:09 AM on Mar. 9, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • That's what cheaters do to make themselves better. Seek counseling and if that doesn't work, you know what to do. Sorry.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:11 AM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • Read the book Why Men Cheat (Oprah had it an an online ebook). The author says the main reason men cheat is exactly what you said, he felt nagged and unappreciated at home. So the answer is, stop that. Make him feel welcome in his own home. Appreciate that he goes out and slays the dragons for you and things you want. Give him his propers. As you see, if you won't then he can find someone who will. (not bashing. just stating)

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:27 AM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • Men do that to try and justify their cheating. They try to make you feel like you made them do it. That way, you can't get mad at them. That's not the case in reality so don't let him make you feel that way! If you really were acting that way, he could have been an adult and said, "Honey, you seem really angry with me lately, what's going on?" He could have brought it up. You didn't zip down his pants and push him on top of another woman! If you want to try to make this marriage work, that's between the two of you. But you will need professional help. He will need to admit what he was was not your fault and it was wrong but he needs to believe it, not just say it. It will take a lot of hard work and a lot of help. Personally, I would never be able to move past that kind of thing but if you can, more power to you! Follow your heart and stay true to your feelings.

    Answer by DDry at 10:43 AM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • I just wanted to say that I don't believe the old saying 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' because there are different reasons why people cheat. If it's not something he's always done, I would bet there is something in his life he can't handle, something out of control or depressing. I suffered from severe depression for the first time in my life last year and I cheated. I didn't even connect the two in my mind, but i was trying to make myself feel better. I know now that I really needed to deal with my depression and once I began treatment, I was able to heal from what I'd done and I never had the urge to do it again. I have a much better relationship with my husband now than I ever did. Give him a chance and good luck.

    Answer by MommyAddie at 12:37 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • My DF cheated on me too (emotional affairs but still cheating to me). We are going to consueling & we are doing The Love Dare together. . .It's still not perfect but it's getting better. I still not at the point of trust. . .but I'm getting closer.
    Im so sorry

    Answer by ColtsFan1912 at 12:50 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • Men will say anything to make you feel that you're the reason why they cheated but in reality, it was their own weakness that allowed them to slip...Continue being the woman that you are happy with and see if your marriage is worth saving...

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 1:12 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • Well, first of all I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it has to be hard.

    The first thing you need to decide is what YOU want. If you think you want to try and save your marriage then go from there.

    Next, talk to your husband. Tell him exactly how you feel and exactly how what he's done has affected you. Ask him if this is his way of telling you he wants to leave. If he says no, make him understand that he will have to work hard for your trust back. And tell him you're interested in going to marriage counseling. If he refuses, rethink your decision to stay with him.

    No matter what happens after that don't stop being your own woman. Things WILL work out one way or another, regardless of what happens. Good luck.

    Answer by madamekatekate at 4:46 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

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