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My daughter is feeling desperate and needs help with this problem.

My daughter was very up set the other day when her partner announced that his family wanted to get their son christened. Now she doesn't have any objections regarding getting her children christened (Yes she has a daughter by a previous relationship) but wanted them both to be christened not just one of them. He then went on to Tell her that his brother and sister were going to be their son's God parents, knowing neither of these family members talks to my Daughter. How would you deal with this situation?
Although I was raised a Christian, as a family we do not follow a religious belief and neither of our children are christened. My daughter does now go to a catholic church to discover if it's the right path for her but feels forced to make a choice she is not comfortable with. To date I have not interferred but I feel her partners family are a little too intusive into decisions which should be made jointly by the parents.

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Asked by Grammy066 at 3:24 PM on Mar. 9, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (7)
  • Her DH needs to slow down and consider his wife and her feelings before talking with other family members and making decisions. I agree that BOTH children should be Christened. It is not fair to leave one out. BOTH parents need to agree on Godparents. Godparents are to be your role models and represenatives to your children if you are ever unable to. How can someone represent your daughter to her child if your daughter doesn't even know them? DH is in the wrong and if I were his wife, I would be enfuriated with his inconsideration of me. As the grandmother, you can't do anything but give good advice to your daughter. In-laws (on either side) should not be pushing their opinions on the couple in this matter (I agree with you).

    Your daughter needs to kindly announce to everyone "thanks for thinking of us but all plans are OFF until MY HUSBAND AND I can sit down and discuss this as a couple. Thanks for your concern."

    Answer by NovemberLove at 3:35 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • I know how frustrating it can be to be the grandmother that isn't being pushy or overbearing on the couple when the other set of grandparents/family is. A month before my husband and I got married, we bought a house. His mother was hell-bent on me not getting my name on that house until we were married for (irrational and unfounded) fear that I would call my rediculously expensive and already paid for wedding off, and run away, taking half of the assets with me. This was despite the fact that I had put a lot of my own money up towards buying the house (more cash than my husband did). When we put my name on the title anyway, my MIL was outraged and made some really hurtful comments to me. It hurt my mom to have to sit back and keep her mouth shut when she saw how hurt I was about my MIL's poor opinion of me and her trying to control something that wasn't her business. (cont.)

    Answer by NovemberLove at 3:38 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • By letting us work it out on our own and not interfering, my mom actually made the situation better. She was a good supporter of me the nights I spent crying on the phone to her because I was made to feel like a second-hand member of my DH and my relationship. It is important for your daughter to remember that her place in the relationship is determined ONLY by she and her DH. If her in-laws want to make her feel like her opinion doesn't matter...she needs to remember, her opinion is more important than THEIRS and make her own decisions without worrying about them.

    Good luck!

    Answer by NovemberLove at 3:40 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • Thank you for your valued in-put. I share a lot of your feelings on this matter and your right, it hurts alot when I have to sit back and hold my tounge.

    Sounds like our in-laws our related. I consider my MIL to be one from H_ll. She has put me through so much within my 21 years of marriage to her son that we now have very little to do with her.

    Thank you for your thoughts.

    Answer by Grammy066 at 3:47 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • Honestly, if she's on a path to find her faith, then she would be best to discuss with the priest or whoever is leading the sacramental preparation class and have her "partner" present as well. I would recommend counseling for the both of them to work through this. It sounds like she's not married to her partner, so he should not just make demands and expect her follow him. If he wants to have a future with her, then they need to learn to communicate and respect each other. If, however, he does not intend to live with her as a husband, then things can get contentious and she will have to decide what's more important to her and her kids - there overall well-being or who their godparents are. They will grow to learn the faith by how they see it lived out and practiced, not by who/where they are christened or who their godparents are.

    Answer by JPsMommy605 at 3:48 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • Again - great response. You are right, they are not married and I too understand that they need to seek counsiling. They have both discussed this but little has been done about it.
    My thoughts here are that if left to their own devices, they could learn how best to deal with their relationship problems. Problems that from my prospective are made worse by his family's constant intereference. I have chosen not to interfere but to be a support for my daughter. I know she is not perfect in this relationship and he has a lot of maturing to do - But I really do hope they work out. That said it's really hard for me to hold my tounge as I am no push-over in life and to see my child almost bullied into a corner is sending my blood pressure through the roof.
    Please keep your comments flowing as I will be showing your responses to her although I don't feel I am the right person to give advice where religion is concerned.

    Answer by Grammy066 at 3:59 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

  • If she isn't comfortable with his choice of god parents then she needs to stand up to him and say something. This is a decision they should be making together.

    Answer by sammiesmom2000 at 4:32 PM on Mar. 9, 2009

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