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Should I have gone to the visitation/funeral anyway?

My ex-husbands father passed away. The ex and I have one child together. My husband told me that it would be weird for me to go the "just the visitation". I felt completely different about this. I felt like it was the respectful thing to my respects to the family that I once was a member of. There are no hard feelings there. To avoid conflict (and believe me there would've been major conflict) I didn't go to the visitation or the funeral. I later found out that my ex-husband wished to see only 2 people's faces during this ordeal...mine and a best friend. I feel terrible and regret not going. So...should I tell my husband that when his ex-wife's mom passes one day that he shouldn't go and pay his respects???? Same thing right?

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Asked by theygoback at 3:29 PM on Mar. 10, 2009 in Religion & Beliefs

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Answers (14)
  • You should have gone. A visitation or funeral isn't about you or anyone except the person that passed. You should have put all feelings and drama aside and went. Tell your ex that you regret it, but am here for him now.

    Answer by kboney29 at 3:32 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • Then send your ex a sympathy card and give a brief explanation of why you did not attend. Just tell him you were trying to keep the focus on him and his family. That you had no desire for your presence to cause any kind of strife. But tell him how much she ment to you. Visit her grave later on. Send a food basket to the family in your stead.

    Answer by pnwmom at 3:33 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • Yes you should have gone. Your husband should go when this happens. It is respectful.

    Answer by Bmat at 3:35 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • There are some things you just need to do, paying respects to a family member is one of them. Divorced or not you are still a part of that family. When these situations arise, and they do, the best course of action is to tell your current spouse that although you respect his feelings on this, attending the viewing/funeral is something you must do. I'm sorry you missed out on that moment, not only for your ex-husband but for your child.

    Answer by MomShawn70 at 3:35 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • Well, I don't think causing more suffering is the answer to this problem. I think you should tell him about your ex-husband's wishes. Then contact your ex-husband to extend your condolences and your regrets for not being able to attend.

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 3:35 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • A person that obviously had an impact on you is gone. But now you are married to another and if there would have been any drama from you attending then, no, you should not have gone. Send flowers or food with a simple note.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:36 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • Feeling and drama aside nothing, things unforunetly do happen at things like that. You said he said it would have been weird for you to be there so by him saying that I wouldn't have gone either. Then he turns around saying he would have liked to see you there. You are not a mind reader. Send a sympathy card and leave it at that. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.


    Answer by Anonymous at 3:37 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • Don't beat yourself up over it. The funeral is over and you did make the statement that it would have been an issue if you went. Send something to the family and let that be that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:40 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • My parents were divorced for twelve years when my mom died. My dad was a pall bearer and his sister's family flew in from out of state. Last year my dad died. My mom's family took up the back half of the seats at the funeral.

    If there's one time above all that past differences get put aside it is when someone dies. Don't do what your husband did to you.

    Answer by NotPanicking at 3:40 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

  • You probably should have gone, but it is water under the bridge. You can always explain to your ex later why you chose to not attend.

    Answer by Marwill at 4:08 PM on Mar. 10, 2009

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