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Pulling my hair out! Am I being too hard on him?

I really don't know what to do anymore. I've givin all I have.. Last night at my 1st job my dh calls and says the guys are going out for a few drinks but im not going because we don't have the money. I said okay, but then I go to lunch and he texts me saying he went out with the boys and he'll just pay them back. (with what).. anyway, mind you I'm not ALLOWED to go out but he is. Anyway, so I get irritated but I'm fine. I go back to work and work till 11pm. I come home and he is sitting here with his friend drunk as hell, when I walk in he doesn't even ecnolige the fact that im home. and when I say "Hi nice to see you too" he gets mad at me! starts calling me a bitch "All in good fun" INFRONT of his friend! He started choking me INFRONT of his friend. (normally I like it). so now I'm pissed. this morning he was gettin ready for work and banged EVERYTHING he possibly can. More on 1st comment.


Asked by KateInTheSurf at 7:10 AM on Mar. 11, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (14)
  • Do you love him?


    Really, Really???

    You want advice, so I'll give you some. Take a good, hard, look at your life and ask yourself these questions: "What do I WANT?" & "Can he give me WHAT I WANT?"
    'cuz frankly, I think you've set your standards too low. When a man loves you, he doesn't treat you like dogshit in front of his friends...

    Answer by kimberleee382 at 5:08 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • So I said something. I was like- You are banging EVERYTHING. You kept me up till 1am after I worked all night, said what you said INFRONT of you're friends. And now you wake me up and freakin 5:30?? And now you expect me to drive you to work. And he gets mad at me for saying anything, like I'm the one being the bitch!!! WTF? Am I being too hard on him?? I'm on fire right now I am soooo angry! Sorry. Thanks for listening to me vent.

    Answer by KateInTheSurf at 7:13 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • hah noooo gurl u good im the same wayy
    your not being to hard on him
    you just had enough
    but dont worry about it
    it will get better. :)

    Answer by Cyarasmom at 7:18 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • You're expecting him to be on his best behavior and logically think through what he says and does while drunk? Yeah, you're asking for a lot. If this is an everyday thing then you'd have a reason to be angry. If it's just a rare thing, and he didn't do or say anything that you accept when he's not drunk, then I don't see how you could be angry. Why do you accept him choking you sober?

    Answer by halfpint_ny at 7:19 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • Sounds like a lot of drama going on there! You can't be loose with your expectations, then change the rules when you decide you no longer like them (ie: Sometimes I like it when my husbands chokes me, just not when he's drunk in front of his friend?!?!)

    You are BOTH adults. If you don't like his behavior (going out with friends, spending money you don't have) TELL HIM!!! What are you afraid of?!

    You husband sounds like a child. You sound like the parent. Don't turn this in to a "child-led" relationship. Turn it into a respectful relationship. How? By being consistent with your expectations, and "rules" and him, vice versa.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:23 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • I like being choked. Like during sex. But thats not the point. He did it INFRONT of his friends. it's humiliating. And You don't call me bitch infront of you're friends either. thats just messed up. I can understand that he was messed up. But shit, even when I'm sooo drunk that I can't stand up, I'd know not to do/say things things like that infront of his friends. And what about this morning? God forbid I say ANYTHING to him about making all kinds of noise, I work at 4:30am on the weekends and out of respect for HIM I lay my clothes out the night before, and I am quiet as can be. But I guess that is WAY to much to ask from him. We have had talks about this before, he just doesn't care!

    Answer by KateInTheSurf at 7:34 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • No, you can't just expect him to be good while he's drunk. BUT, I'd say he was out of line and just wrong to go out when he didn't have the money AND said he wouldn't go out. THEN you get home and he's there with his friend drunk. He mistreated you while he was drunk, which is messed up, and if he acts like that, he really shouldn't get that drunk. As for the morning, yeah, I'd say he was wrong then, too. What is going on with him? Is he normally that selfish? If he has so much free time, you work more then one job, he doesn't have the money to go out, why doesn't he get another job?

    Answer by Buffie95 at 7:55 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • It just dawned on me...while you're out working, and he's either out with his friends getting drunk, or sitting at home getting drunk...who's watching your children?! Does your husband even work?

    Sounds like all kinds of dysfunction going on there.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:18 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • IT sounds like a messy situation with the drinking and the choking and the name-calling.... You chose to tell us you enjoy being choked during sex. Was he fooling around front of his friends? When he was there, drunk with his friends, he already knew you would be mad. I don't know, it sound like a bad situation to me. Lots of stuff going on that sets up problems. You working more than one job, him going out without the money, getting drunk, you two fighting in front of his drunk friends.....No, you aren't wrong to be angry. In fact, I would say you should take the situation seriously and really think about what is going on. Is this how you want to live?

    Answer by BJoan at 8:33 AM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • Based on what you said here, your husband is a very selfish man. You cannot change him, but you can change the way that you deal with him. I'm not a big fan of having separate bank accounts, but you might want to think about doing that. That way, you can sort of protect the money that you earn. Yelling at him won't do any good, so you may as well stop doing it. Wait until you have cooled off and tell him that you will no longer tolerate his being disrespectful of you. Make yourself a speech to deliver the next time he calls you names in front of his friends, remembering to not be disrespectful to him as he was to you. If you begin to respect yourself more, he might start to do the same, but it is not guaranteed. But you must start living your life as unaffected by his rudeness as you can. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. I wish you the best in doing so.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:37 AM on Mar. 11, 2009