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our 5yr old is asking questions about his real mom, what do we say?

My husbands ex left when their son was 3 and now he is 5 with us. He wants to know why she doesnt come to see him. The truth is because she can't run around and go party with a little boy. Thats also why she left, she wanted to sew some wild oats and never came back. All he remembers is that she had to go to work. We dont really know what to say so that he understands what happened and it wasnt his fault or my husbands. We are really scared that he will ask her the next time he sees her. What do you say??

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Mrs.Faith

Asked by Mrs.Faith at 3:00 PM on Mar. 11, 2009 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 7 (184 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Be honest, but in 5 year old terms. Say that she is off taking care of herself currently and isn't able to see him, but maybe someday.
    kboney29

    Answer by kboney29 at 3:02 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • I agree with kboney29. She is currently taking care of herself but may be able to someday.
    sillyt

    Answer by sillyt at 3:19 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • Yupe talk to him in kid terms...on his age level..
    If you do not know where she is ...tell him that to where he can understand it..
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 3:36 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • I tell my kids that daddy has some problems he is trying to fix, and that unfortunately he can't come see them while he is fixing them. Truthfully, daddy is a complete jerk who doesn't pay child support and doesn't want to come see them, so I figure "problems" is a pretty truthful way of describing it. And they understand it pretty well. They are 8 & 5 now, but I've been telling them that answer for at least 4 yrs now.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 4:10 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • tell him you don't understand why doesn't come see him, and add tghe stuff about she is wirking on herself/ fixing probelms. and I would let my husband be the main one to talk to him about it- with you there, too, talking, comforting, supporting
    Kiter

    Answer by Kiter at 6:13 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • im just crying......i hate for kids to feel at alll abandoned or unloved in any way
    jadensmommy0602

    Answer by jadensmommy0602 at 7:00 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • i was adopted and was told at a young agae 5
    i think it was best that way.......my parents were always willing to share with me all that they knew....and raised me in the same house for 15 years but they never showed up
    jadensmommy0602

    Answer by jadensmommy0602 at 7:02 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • We have a very similar situation. I HIGHLY recommend that you seek the advice of a professional counselor. It is SO easy to say the wrong thing (even though it seems right to you) so that the child finds a way to blame YOU. Trust me. You may think you are making the most innocent comment, but he could easily turn it around on you. I said some of the wrong things I found out after the fact. You don't want your (step)son blaming you or being angry at you. At honestly, if he remembers his biological mom, counseling will likely be in his future anyway. It's been great for us, not just my son, but me and my current husband. It's really helped all of us deal with the absent parent situation. Please, please, please talk to a counselor.
    AngelaSue1979

    Answer by AngelaSue1979 at 9:57 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

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