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CONTROL DISGUISED AS LOVE, WOULD WOULD YOU DO?

She was 30y.o. and he 8 years her elder. They met through the internet. As honesty was of the essence, they both came up revealing as much as they could about themselves. He told her he 1) had contracted an STD years ago. By now he could tell when a breakout was going to take place and so was able to prevent infecting his partners, still he thought it was her right to decide whether or not to engage with someone affected by that. 2) He occasionally and for recreational purposes only did smoke pot, 3) he was not a professional/college educated man still he was and felt himself able to do well and be able to provide a stable environment for his future family. She chose to love him in despite of all that.



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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:11 PM on Mar. 11, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • CONTINUE...

    A couple of months later, he traveled the other side of the world to meet her. After a tour around town, he hugged her and notices her waist was less than perfect. In the middle of a romantic dinner he says “It is the first time in my life I fell in love with a woman that is not 100% fit, and I believe our bodies can change as long as we want to, my question is do you like to exercise? And why you have not?”. It was embarrassing for her, yet she managed to get over her ego and gave him the most honest answer she could think of “Here we are not culturally raised on health/fitness awareness, and I do not cause I do not feel I have to but mainly why have not I? Because I do not have anyone to exercise with”. He showed himself pleased with her answer.

    Braveheart09

    Answer by Braveheart09 at 5:13 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • CONTINUE...

    They went out to party, afterwards he proposed, she said Yes and they both had a wonderful couple of nights together. He got back to USA, and she stayed to complete the wedding arrangements. As a reminder of their magnificent weekend, she sent him a video. He calls her “I want to be clear on something, if you do not exercise we are going to have problems” to which she responded “I am willing to do it, but by no means will accept the relationship to be conditioned to my physical appearance” He apologized and asked her to continue with the wedding arrangements.
    Braveheart09

    Answer by Braveheart09 at 5:14 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • CONT"

    They got married a couple of months later. The wedding and days that followed were for both some of the happiest of their lives. He came back to USA by himself, he had to work and she had to do so too while waiting for the spouse visa to be granted to travel by his side. That happened six months later. The first night of their re-encounter was pretty much as blissful/normal as all the others they have shared, but soon his libido turned iced cold. He accused her of having gained 15 pounds after the wedding.at 5’6” and 147 pounds she looked and the mirror and could see it was true yet did not understand why he would let this get in the way of loving/accepting her the way she was, and considering all she had bypassed to accept him to her his love was unfair/immature/unrealistic.
    Braveheart09

    Answer by Braveheart09 at 5:14 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • CONT"

    The power/emotional struggle over this issue has been enormous. Still through their mutual faith in God, the slowly let go of their past, and focusing in what they had in each other rather in what they did not, they managed to stay together and be faithful to each other for 7 years, and now have 2 beautiful kids they each both love more than anything. However her primary love language, the one means her brain process and accepts love as true continues to be sex, and for as much as he loves her (today anyways way more than when they got married), he still cannot feel ANY sexual desire for her.
    Braveheart09

    Answer by Braveheart09 at 5:15 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • CONT

    She does excersize, but at 5'6" -150 still considers a) marriage without sex is not marriage b) love without acceptance is not love and you are accepted or not. c) Although he is adamant in denying he is conditioning the relationship to her appearance, reality is HE IS d) the problem is in his head and got nothing to do with her. He also thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, considers her efforts are not constant/effective to get to the results the body he deems attractive, and continues to say his love is true, and he can continue to love her (stay, and be faithful) even without sex, but if she does not exercise it is just IMPOSSIBLE for him to have ANY type of desire for her (“you want it bad? You will work out to get it, if it is worthy you will”).

    Braveheart09

    Answer by Braveheart09 at 5:33 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • QUESTION

    Who is right and what would you do in their situation? Would you stay in a marriage like this for the kids only? Yes, "in sickness and in health" but what if his sickness is making her loose her mind? After all, there is only so much a human being can take is not it?
    Braveheart09

    Answer by Braveheart09 at 5:33 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • Faith in God my ass. No man that truely believes in God and his all-encompassing love for us would treat his wife like that. God still loves him even though he is an ass. And God loves her even though she isn't in perfect shape. But marriage is a covenant not meant to be broken.
    Maybe they should be getting some counselling about this.
    peppermintmocha

    Answer by peppermintmocha at 5:35 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • If he knew he was not attracted to her body type, then he should have never married her. When he married her he aggreed to accept her the way she is. She should not have to live that way. If it were me I would make the sacrafice to be with him until the kids were grown if he is a good dad and they get along reasonably well. He is not showing love for her, because he is not considering her needs only his own. To stay or go is a hard judgement
    Allie428

    Answer by Allie428 at 5:49 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • I def. think they should get some counseling. I also think that he should have not proposed or married her if he KNEW he would not be completely happy with someone he thought was "less than fit". It's unfair to his wife. Now that they are married, i think they should try really hard to work it out, not necessarily for the kids sake, but because they made a commitment and said vows to each other. And if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. They both deserve to be in satisfying and happy relationships. She deserves to be with a man that loves her know matter her body type and he needs to find someone that matches his ideal body type, better.

    nwdeserangel

    Answer by nwdeserangel at 5:57 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • According to the story he made it quite clear her appearance was important. It showed (to me) his true nature and what she could expect from him in the future. I am not bashing but it was pretty clear from the beginning. Who is right now is not even relevant.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:02 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

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