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TTC vs. Tubal Ligation

My best friend and myself had a very bad disagreement today. I told her for the first time today that I got my tubes tied two years ago because I have had 3 children in 3 years (no twins), and she has been TTC for 7 years now with no results. I made the comment that I had to get my tubes tied because if I got pregnant again I would shoot myself. It was a joke but she took it as I should have been grateful that I should have kids and not prevent myself from having them because so many people wish they could have at least one. She called me selfish for doing that among calling me a lot of other things. How do I apologize to her? What should I say?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:10 PM on Mar. 11, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • Okay wait a minute.............SHE called you all kinds of names, for making a personal life choice because its what works best for you, and instead of being supportive she jumps all over you, and YOU want to know how to say your sorry?!? WHY SHOULD YOU! If anything she should be the one saying she is sorry, because SHE is the one who is wrong, I am sure if she was in your shoes and had three babies in three years she wouldn't of said anything to you about it, but it seems to me that its the fact that she maybe some what jealous of the fact that you are able to have children and did so now you have your family and she is still trying, none of this is your fault what so ever. I went through this my my BFF when I had my son and decided to do a tubal, she argued with me about telling me not to because of this and that, and she too has been TTC for years now however I have two kids I dont want anymore she either excepts you and
    hautemama83

    Answer by hautemama83 at 7:20 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • supports you in your desision or maybe your are better off finding a friend that is willing to support you no matter what
    hautemama83

    Answer by hautemama83 at 7:21 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • Apologize.......for what? It's not your fault that she is upset with you because you got your tubes tied. I would have told her just because you can't have kids doesn't mean that I should pop them out left and right. It's hard having kids back to back....trust me I know. It's better to just have as many as you can afford rather than having a bunch of kids you can't take care of. She needed to step back and put herself in your shoes and that's what I would have told her. If anyone should apologize it should be her. You did nothing wrong
    PunkinLPN

    Answer by PunkinLPN at 7:27 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • I feel I was responsible when I had my tubes tied. I knew I shouldn't have anymore babies. I do have a friend that has been trying to get pregnant for three years. I am sensetive around her but we can still be our selves and be honest. Never has she ever told me I was selfish for the choice I made. I can see your sarcasm in the I'm gonna shoot myself thing,in typing without even hearing your voice. Maybe she's being sensetive but she's giving away her hurt feelings on the subject over to you and that's not fair. Have compassion but don't let her make you feel guilty for any of your personal choices. If she continues I wouldn't share anything too personal with her anymore. Something you might want to say to her when the time seems right is "It must be really hard for you to see other people having children when you want one so badly, I'm really sorry you are going through this" It validates her feelings.
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 7:27 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • I'm just suggesting that statement in case you guys choose to talk it out. Also tell her how it hurt your feelings when she called you selfish so she's aware of it. If you guys are true friends you will work it out.
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 7:29 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • Just tell her you got caught up in thinking about your own situation and for a moment forgot what she was going through. Tell her you didn't mean any harm by your comment. Personally, I think she needs to step out of her world a bit too!

    Both of my children are autistic, and I met a mom at the playground who's one child was autistic. As we were casually talking, she said, I can't imagine having
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 7:52 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • Having been there done that with years of wanting a child and not having one, I might have reacted similarly if a friend said she would want to "shoot herself" if she had another. Until we walk in each other's shoes, we won't fully understand why they see things the way they do, and react how they do. She may fully understand your desire to not have more. It's the thought that you would have a strong negative reaction (whether sarcastic or not) that can be hurtful to someone that so desperately wants to be a mother. She would probably give anything to have her dream come true.

    It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it doesn't mean she doesn't care. It just means that you don't see eye to eye on this. I hope that you two can find a way to get past this. Good friends are hard to find. Let her know that your words were never meant to hurt her.
    halfpint_ny

    Answer by halfpint_ny at 9:24 PM on Mar. 11, 2009

  • All I can say is while we have to change diapers go through morning sickness, etc. There are alot of women out there that would just love to have one baby in their arms to hold. They go home they hear no cries, no I love you mommy, they stare at an empty crib. Hoping and praying for just one baby. We take alot of things for granted and don't realize when we have friends that don't have kids. I lost my best friend because she had to have a hysterectomy, and when I told her I was pregno, she ditched me. I'm mad at her for ending our friendship. I really do miss her, but she chose to end our friendship. It was easier for her to handle. I have other friends that has kids. I love my kids more each day and thankful for having them. I would just say I'm sorry and you'll be there for her when she's facing her situation.
    jenzachsam

    Answer by jenzachsam at 3:27 AM on Mar. 12, 2009

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