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How should I handle this???? I really need advice!!!

My husband and I have 4 kids. 3 years ago there was physical abuse, he took classes on abuse/anger management, there has been none since. However when he gets upset he says some hurtful things then takes them all back when he cools down. Well I vent to my sister when I am mad and have told her everything that has happened. My husband and I seperated last Feb, got back together in June and my sis said he was not allowed to be around her kids, so I would go see them and leave DH home. Around xmas I was supposed to be with my family that year and sis said he could not come. He was upset, said stuff, and broke it off. We have since got back together and are very happy, had long talks and worked it all out. So I told my sis and she started calling him names and said he is NOT allowed around her kids because he is a POS. We are having a combined bday with my kids and hers ......(CONTINUED)

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:56 PM on Mar. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • That's one of the problems with always comes back to bite ya in the butt!

    He did nothing to her or her kids. You are the only one that needs to forgive him and if you did, then she needs to trust you and move on with it.

    Answer by ReneeK3 at 4:59 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • My sis says he is not allowed to come to the bday party even though it is in a public place. If I bring him along she will pitch a fit and ruin the party, probably take her kids and leave. If I don't bring him he would be missing our kids bday party. I cannot ask him not to go, that would be very harsh. If I stand up to my sis I probably won't get to see my nieces and nephews for years until she gets out of her funk. I have to put my family unit before relatives, but this is really hard to deal with. I am very close to my nieces and nephews. Also, my dad says my husband HAS to apologize to HIM for all the things that my husband has put me through. WHY? I have forgiven my husband. It is not like I am totally innocent. I was neglectful of his felings as well. And not standing up for him when we got back together last time made him feel pretty expendable. So, what should I do? Miss the bday and do our own? I don't know...HELP!!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:04 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • I'm not sure what exactly to say because I'm one of those parents. If your spouse has been abusive in any way I don't want my kids around that person. Nothing personal between the person but there are things people allow their kids to see and don't see. To you he maybe normal and all is perfect but in your sister's mind she's wondering when will he snap again and does she want her children to see that.
    My sister fights with her boyfriend constantly. It's normally her abusing him. He never hits her doesn't even hold her when she hits him but I don't allow my kids at her house because of this. My Husband and I don't fight and argue in front of our kids and won't allow anyone else to do it.
    She says she has calmed down and things are better but guess what? I won't ever trust that. If I need to visit my sister my kids are NOT with me. If she comes to my house her boyfriend is not with her.

    Answer by mommatime78 at 5:06 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • Yes miss the bday and do something on your own. It's nothing wrong with it. Just be prepared in the future of what can happen. But if it was me I would stay home and plan my own party.
    Your sister is probally upset because she loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt anymore. The same way I am with my sister. I've stopped talking to her because his infidelity and she keeps letting him back in the house. Basically showing her daughter it's okay for a man to cheat on you. I don't think she means any harm. Embrace that love because in the end if your Husband decides to go back to the person he was your family will still be there for you.

    Answer by mommatime78 at 5:11 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • It's unacceptable for her to demand he isn't at his own kids' birthday party. Let him go. If she throws a fit then she looks dumb, not you or him. He doesn't need to apologize to anyone except for you and your kids. I'm sure your family is upset at him but they shouldn't be holding grudges. People can change.

    You have to remember to be very careful of who you tell personal information to. Gossip is never good :(

    Answer by ReneeK3 at 5:11 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • Thats the problem with talking to family about issues within a relationship..they are not there for the make up, and the good stuff, all the family hears is the bad, I can only imagine what you told your sis for her to still be so against him.
    Sounds as tho the combo bday party will not go over well if hubby is there and he should be there, you can have a seprate party for your kids and tell sis if hubby is not allowed to come to family get togethers than you and your kids WILL NOT be there either. He should not be excluded from your side of the family.
    On the other side, verbal abuse is still abuse and control, or lack there of..he needs to get back in theropy before it becomes physical again. Stand up for yourself and let him know you will not allow him to speak to you that way ever again, he is an adult and needs to keep his cool and act like one.

    Answer by midnightmoma at 5:12 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • You need to stand up to your sis and do the party seperate. You are choosing to be back w/ him, she may just be worried for you, which is understandable, and she just doesnt want anything to do w/ him. Don't punish your kids by him not being able to be at their own party. As far as your father, I can understand, he too is worried about you being hurt again. However, you are an adult and can make your own decisions. He too may not want anything to do w/ him as well. You need to do what you feel in your heart and what is right. Maybe in time they will see that he has changed and allow him back in their lives and be ok w/ the decision you made.

    Answer by Tiffany237 at 5:16 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • It sounds pretty simple to me...Don't do a co-party. You can take your kids to their cousins party, and she doesn't have to see him, and if she chooses not to come to your childs party, then she is the one missing out.

    You need to choose your family first, simple as that, and if you have decided to keep your relationship with your husband, your family needs to respect that.

    And I have no idea what your dads problem is...he doesn't need an apology for anything, nothing happened to HIM.

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 5:18 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • you know you don't have to tell your family everything that happens between you and him because thats just part of it how can you both grow in a relationship if your running around telling your family about all the negative things? Parents don't forgive as easily as you do to your SO they will hold a grudge forever because they see it as he is hurting there little girl. When I separated my ex fiance i didnt go into a bunch of details about it with my family i just let them know because I'm an adult its really not all there business.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:22 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • OP: Yes, we have had those talks. He has grown up alot over the last year and has learned to hold his tongue. I have aslo grown up and learned to stand up for my own life and not let others words and opinions poisen my own (regarding my sis). I can't just bring him to the party because I do not want to be responsible for my nieces and nephews bday party being ruined when their mom makes them pack up and leave. In regards to mommatime78......I understand your opinion on protecting your kids, but NONE of this conflict EVER happened in front nor in earshot of ANY children. Neither one of us will fight in front of children, so my sis has NADA to be concerned about. In fact she herself has fought in front of her own kids. It is more of a righteous attitude that she is coming with. Considering the fact that my nephews father emptied my jewelery box at a BBQ at my house and sold it I never banned him and was civil 4 my nephews sake

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:23 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

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