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For those who've survived a controlling/alcoholic/cheating spouse, is there such thing as change? Or am I just an idiot?

My husband has gone to treatment for the first time, we have five children. THe "good wife" in me wants to see how treatment goes. The rational woman in me sees how actually controlled I was, no job, no school, no friends, not by choice, same for children. At this point I want to run, not scared for my safety, just scared period. I have been dependant on him for 8 years, nearly out of high school. What should I know about divorce, getting back on my feet, etc. I started therapy last week.

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Asked by Anonymous at 7:04 PM on Mar. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I was not married but had two kids with an abusive, controlling boyfriend. Four years later he does seem to have grown up. I left him when I was five months pregnant with our second child. He was not part of our lives for about two years by his own choice (he paid child support and had visitation rights but chose not to call or request the time with them) but when i got engaged to my current husband I guess he realized that he was losing his very young children and something snapped. Since then he has been very stable in their lives. he gets them every other weekend. He has had a few different girlfriends since then though, and his current girlfriend (of less than six months) is living with him and is telling my girls to call her mommy... so he seems to be nicer and more responsible to me but I do wonder really what he is like full time. I think he may need the reality check of losing you and the kids- perhaps he'll change,

    Answer by LuckyClown at 7:25 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • (cont) perhaps he won't- but I would recommend you stepping out for a while and allowing the rest of the family to mend itself while he mends himself. You need to prove to yourself and him that you can do it. AND there is no shame whatsoever in accepting government aide when it comes to protecting the well being of your children. message me if you would like to talk more or have more questions. Hugs Momma, and best wishes.

    Answer by LuckyClown at 7:27 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • I've never dealt with controlling or abuse. Well I did when I was 15 and I think I was the last lady he ever put his hands on.....LOL!!! I dont play that.
    Anyways I do think people can change but it will take alot more than therapy for that to happen. I would also suggest you start some schooling for yourself. At least attempt a part time job to show him you can be independent. Find yourself some friends and go hang out once in a while.
    A man will do only what you allow him to do to you. If you set standards and let him know it's either this way or I'm out of here. You need friends and family. You need to feel complete. You need to feel some sort of independence as a woman.
    At least if he does start acting crazy you can pick your kids up pack your s$%@ and walk out the door. If the friend or family is close enough they will welcome you with open arms.
    I can't see myself not having my friends and fam around.

    Answer by mommatime78 at 7:35 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • married 22. years, he is a recovering alcoholic and cheated twice. it can change but he has to want to. If he has the will it will happen but you cant change him. What you can change is yourself. Take back your self worth. Go out with friends, get a sitter for the kids, if he gets mad dont back down. stand strong and go out and he will hate the fact that your taking back your independence, and that your not reliant on him to be happy. He will hate it and change or he wont care and you move on Either way you need to be true to yourself and your kids. best wishes

    Answer by desperateat48 at 7:54 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • controlling spouse is an insecure person, he must have had a bad relationship experience and he is taking it out on you, he needs therapy, but so do you. If you think you two can gain a better relationship from counseling than try it. If it does not work you and him have to go your separatr wys its hard but there are agencies out there that will help you, please don't wait.

    Answer by katflower at 7:56 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • Wow, those are some big shoes you are trying to get away from. He's done a lot. I had a h who was like that but I didn't stay long. It just drained me of everything I had to offer a man. I'm not saying leave him if you want to stay and work on things but getting out provided me with peace of mind and freedom to enjoy life. What do you need to know? You need to know how to plan. You need to know how to get goals. You need to know how to depend on yourself and have confidence in your ability. Other than that, it's a lot like now (wake up, take care of kids, eat, sleep, etc) but without all the emotional stress.

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:56 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • In my experience, the only way a controlling person changes is to get worse. That's what happened to me...

    Answer by rhope4 at 9:04 PM on Mar. 12, 2009

  • Thanks I have a little more strength today

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:29 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

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