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Should my daughter have to apologize to her friend?

My daughter has a best friend that she has known since birth and a new best friend that she has recently been hanging around with. Last Saturday she went shopping and spent the night with the old best friend at her grandma's house. Apparently, while shopping with the old friend, she talked alot about the new friend, she also bought a purse for herself and the new friend that matched.(She also bought a necklace to match the old friends necklace.) She was also scheduled to attend a birthday party later in the day for the new friend's little sister. The old best friend's mother told me that her daughter was hurt about the purse and the fact that my daughter talked so much about the new friend. My daughter has tried 3 times to get the 3 of them together and new friend says no. Should my daughter apologize to her old friend? For what? Should she continue to try and get them all together? should she not talk about friends?


Asked by LovetoTeach247 at 5:11 AM on Mar. 13, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (13)
  • This this is a great opportunity to teach your daughter the life lesson of "being the better person." Did she do anything wrong? Not really. She's excited about her new friend and probably about the party later that day. It's natural for a 3 year old to over-talk about things that they are excited about. She's also sharing it with her old friend which shows she still values her (especially purchasing a necklace to match her's after buying the purse. It shows an amazing amount of empathy and sensitivity in such a young girl to try to make things even in front of her friend). I hope her friend's mom understands that these girls are THREE and explained to her daughter that your daughter meant no harm.

    Since her friend was "hurt" I would have her apologise that what she did made her feel that way and then have her encourage her friend and let her know she's just as important to make her feel better...(cont.)

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:08 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • Well I can see how she was hurt by your daughter's actions. They are only girls, apparently younger than 13, and if she was talking about her new friend, she might have thought that your daughter liked the new friend more. She probably feels like she is being replaced. You're daughter didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but it would be good for her to apologize for hurting her friend's feelings, and to tell her she didn't mean to do so.

    Answer by toriandgrace at 5:18 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • I don't think your daughter did anything wrong, but she did unintentionally hurt her friend's feelings. I agree with toriandgrace that she should say she's sorry and that she didn't realize what she was doing. Then, I'd just maybe talk to her about being a little more...discreet, for lack of a better word, in the future.

    I also think maybe she should try to find out why the new friend isn't willing to get together with the old friend. That seems kind of...strange. Why is she turning down the chance to make a new friend?

    Answer by tropicalmama at 6:37 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • You daughter is young and learning about social boundaries. She didn't do anything wrong on purpose, but the girls need to talk and keep things going in a positive direction. If the other girl is hurt is needs to be acknowledged at some level. This is a sensitive time for girls. I'm concerned why the new girl seems to be saying NO to all three spending time together. Seems possibly controlling. I live by the saying: make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver the other gold. There is room for more than 'one' friend. Young girls may need some guided intervention from time to time.


    Answer by Teachermom01 at 6:43 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • I typed incorrectly. It is the old friend that does not want to meet the new friend. Her mother says she is afraid that she will be the "odd man out"

    Answer by LovetoTeach247 at 6:57 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • oh, three is always a crowd with "tweenage girls." I dont think any one should ever "have" to apologize because they will if they really mean it. I would encourage her to hang on to the old friend though. As long as she knows that her friend (old one) was hurt by her actions, try reminding her of the old saying...
    "Make new friends, but keep the old. Some are silver and the other gold." :) lol.
    I hope she gets it worked out.

    Answer by jenellemarie at 9:20 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • It is important for you to explain to your daughter that sometimes we can mean the best and still hurt someone. Apologising doesn't always mean we were wrong but that we could have done better and it can help someone feel better. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and let her know that she's such a good friend, her friends get a little jealous when they have to share her so if they don't want to hang out together, maybe she shouldn't talk about the one while with the other.

    "being the better person" is a complicated thing to teach a three year old but I think she'll get it :-)

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:11 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • make new friends but keep the old. tell her to try not to talk about the new friend with the old friend or the old friend with the new friend so much, because when she spends time with either one, that is THEIR time together. She should keep trying to get them both together, but she should realize that they may never be a threesome so don't be disappointed if it doesn't work out that way. She can still have both of her friends, but she just needs to be considerate of their feelings and not mention the other friend so much UNLESS they all become friends with each other, which would change everything.

    Answer by laadeedah at 12:32 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • I agree with the other posters, she wasn't trying to hurt her friend, but an appology goes a long way and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that she hurt the old friends feelings, but maybe have a get togather at your house and invite both girls and a few other friends. This way they can finally meet, but the old friend won't feel left out if there are other people there.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 1:32 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • She should apologize for using their time together to talk about her new best friend. It was insensitive. Explain to her that she made her friend feel hurt and that it isn't nice to talk about her new best friend while she was with the other friend.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 2:44 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

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