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Do you think being sexually abused as a child causes problems in the future?

I just found out from my MIL that my dh was sexually abused by his dad & gma as a child. We have been 2gether 4 6 years & he always told me he had problems as a child but couldnt bring himself 2 tell me about them. When we first started dating he cheated all the time, We've been married for a yr & just recently I found out he was talking 2 another girl. His mom does not condone what he is doing but she said if I do decide 2 stay with him that we should get councling bc dh has major problems from his childhood & ended up telling me. She said she was also sexually abused as a child & because of that she never thought of sex as a loving caring thing, just something that was done. That dh really needs 2 c someone & talk about it & get help. He loves attention from other women. I dont knw what 2 do. We have a dd 2gether & want 2 fix this 2 keep our family 2gether? If u were sexually abused as a child did it affect ur relationship?

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:11 AM on Mar. 13, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (22)
  • And im not trying to make excuses for him but I really do think that could be a issue... Also my MIL and FIL are not together anymore they have been divorced since dh was 7 or 8

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:13 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • I was molested at 4 and raped at 16. It has an affect on all my relationships. Im 19 now. I cant tell a guy no because Im afraid of what they'll do to me. So to answer your question yes it causes alot of problems!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:16 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • He knows that his mom talked to me about it, and slowly is starting to tell me some things. He has always had such a good memory of when he was so little. Like im talking 3 years old, he remembers his sis taking his binky & throwin it out the window while they were driving down the road! His mom told me he had to have been 2 or 3 when that happend! LOL.. but anyways the other night he was layin next to me & he told me thats one thing he hates is having such a good memory because he remembers everything and sometimes to much of his child hood & said he does think he needs to see a therapist before marriage councling to fix his problems which will lead to fixing the problems in our relationship.. What do u ladies think. Please no bashing im just trying to figure out what to do.. Thanks

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:30 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • I think it can cause problems, but doesn't always. Whether what he's doing stems from that or something else, at least he is willing to see a therapist and try to stop. So regardless of why he's doing it, there's a good foundation there for change. Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 6:32 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • I dated a man who was sexually abused as a child by his step-father. He told me it happened to both his brother's too.
    The emotional problems that evolved from the abuse is far more than I could write here. The man I dated has cheated with more women than you can imagine. I'm sure he's still cheating on his current wife.
    One of his brother's commited suicide. The other is a major alcholic.
    The emotional damage was so deep that it will never be repaired. All 3 of them talked about the abuse but talking about it didn't fix the emotional damage. More than 20 years of therapy and I think my ex and his living brother will always have problems associated with the abuse. What they both have learned is how to hide their behavior from the outside world better. My ex has a wife now that accepts his cheating. He says he loves her but he can't stop cheating with other women.

    Answer by PrttyMstng at 7:15 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • See I dont want to be the wife that accepts the cheating. I just want to have a good healthy relationship with my dh and have a wonderful life for our lil girl. I didnt accept his cheating while we were dating but I dealt with it, we were on again off again. But when we finally got married and started a family I thought all that was done and over with. He had stayed faithful for 3 years before we got married. Us getting married made me feel safe and secure because he said once we're married thats it. No divorce, he was so scared to get married bc his mom has been married 4or5 times & he didnt wanna go thru that. So i felt secure and safe because I didnt think he would do anything to cause us a divorce. But I found out he was talking to this other girl now I lost that feeling of security...

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:29 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • He needs to seriously go see someone. Its hard but its the best thing. My Cousin was molested repeatedly at the age of 9. she is 30 and a couple ofyears ago she almost commited suicide becuase she was having "dreams" of what happened. She is also a lesbian and i asked her why she is attracted to women, and she said becuase when she is with a man she feels dirty and disgusting. She is 30 and still has serious problems mentally b/c of what happened 21 years earlier.
    He could be cheating b/c he wants to feel like a "man" knowing that a male molested him, so its comforting to him to know he can get a women. In general becuase of what happened sex and relationships are probably very skewed in his mind. He may not mean it but it could all boil down to his past, but then again it might not and he might just be a poophead ! lol

    Answer by BonnieboBonnie2 at 7:49 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • When children are abused and sexualized at a young age, yes, it can have life-long effects. I was molested, and I also strggled with fidelity and other relationship issues. But that doesn't mean he is necessarily incapable of having a good relationship. (After lots of counseling and processing over the years, I feel I am now capable of being a fully present and trustworthy spouse, and my marriage is fantatstic.) I really think that, if I were him, I would get my butt into counseling asap. But he may be reluctant, because it is really painful to face all this stuff. You can urge him to do so, and you can support him in his efforts, but you can't fixt this for him. All you can do is love him, and continue to set appropriate boundaries for the sake of your well-being and the well-being of your relationship (by no means should he get a "free pass" and be allowed to cheat or do other things of that nature with no consequence).

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 8:05 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • Thanks to all you ladies that have replied... Thank you for understanding and not bashing. I just spoke with a therapist and called my dh to confirm that he wanted to meet with this guy. He said yeah he's ready. SOOO we'll see how it goes from here. I pray pray pray this helps us! I love him so much and have put up with WAYY to much. Im just ready to be stress free and happy once and for all!

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:06 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • Yes. I am convinced it is one of the most destructive things that can happen to a child; and unless the spirit is healed, it will cause problems as long as a person lives.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:38 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

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