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HOW CAN I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THAT I CAN ALSO BE HIS FRIEND?

I HAVE A 9 YR. OLD SON, HE'S A GOOD KID BUT SOMETIMES HE CAN ACT REALLY BAD. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S JUST THE AGE HE'S IN BUT I DON'T REMEMBER BEING THAT WAY WITH MY MOM (ATLEAST NOT @ THAT AGE). HOW CAN I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THAT I'M JUST NOT HIS MOTHER THAT I CAN ALSO BE HIS FRIEND AND HE CAN TRUST ME? HE WON'T TELL ME ANY OF HIS PROBLEMS ONLY TO HIS DAD (I'M D ONE THAT SPENDS MORE TIME WITH HIM) SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT BEING A GOOD MOTHER. CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME AN ADVICE. WHAT CAN I DO???? :(

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COOKY81

Asked by COOKY81 at 11:50 AM on Mar. 13, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (10)
  • Oh Honey, you can't be their friend. That puts you on a level of equality and you have to be in control. Trust me, you don't want to be a friend. You need to let him know you are his mother and you are there for him when he needs you and will always be.. but friends.. NO... that's not a good place to be.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:53 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • You can try opening yourself up to him more. Listening to his ideas and suggestions. Letting him make some decisions sometimes to boost his confidence in himself and in you. However you don't want to be his "friend". You just want him to trust you as a mother. I think its great that he goes to his dad though. That is actually a really really good thing.
    MamaChamp

    Answer by MamaChamp at 11:59 AM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • There are a lot of differences between little boys and little girls :-) Don't be alarmed that your son is behaving differently than you did at that age. There are also diffrent pressures, different things going on in the world today (etc.) than there were 20+ years ago. He's also got a different set of friends/influences than you did. You never want to be your child's friend. The role of "mother" is so much more important than that. Yes, he can still confide in you without you being his "friend" but don't feel upset or like a bad mother when he doesn't want to. We mothers have incredible bonds with our baby boys but when they get older, it's really hard to swallow the fact that they might prefer confiding in their dad (another male) instead. The fact of the matter is, he is growing and changing and probably feels his dad understands better because he is another male. He might be embarassed telling his mom something...
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:02 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • (cont.) personal. That's completely normal. I was very attached to my dad when I was little but when it came to girl stuff (periods, boys etc.) I talked to my mom.

    You can't make him confide in you. It's not that he doesn't trust you, he just might be embarassed. My husband is 28 and to this day he still prefers to tell his dad personal things rather than his mom. It's just the way it is sometimes.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:03 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • Some things a boy just needs to talk about with another man. You've got to respect his right to choose who he confides in and not take it personally. Keep telling him that you're there for him and he can tell you anything, but don't pry.
    laadeedah

    Answer by laadeedah at 12:28 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • You can't be his friend, you are his mom. I wouldn't worry about it. He is more comfortablewith his dad and that is ok. Don't keep pushing him to confide in you because he will just stop all togehter because he may think you are being nosy and trying to pry. Be grateful that he has a dad around to talk to about "guy" things, my son doesn't. His father has never been around.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 2:37 PM on Mar. 13, 2009

  • Again, you can't be his friend yet. Be glad he is opening up to his Dad. Hopefully, you and your husband can discuss the issues together to work on a solution. I didn't have an appreciation for my Mom until I was older. Of course, I'm female and have three girls. I've not been in your shoes. Good luck!
    D1D2ZMom

    Answer by D1D2ZMom at 10:35 AM on Mar. 14, 2009

  • As long as there are behavioral problems you cannot be his friend. He needs a mom. This doesn't mean that you can't have fun together of course. I wil say that I am my son's best friend. He is 12. There were times when I had to keep the mom hat on. Now that he has overcome his behavioral and communication issues ( he is high functioning autistic ). We are friends. For he has become an empathic, loving and responsable young man.
    Sometimes a child just connects with one parent over another. Our teen DD just favors her dad, They share the same interests with similar personalities. This does not mean that she doesn't love me. We just have to work harder on our relationship. Nor does this mean that my DS doesn't love his Dad. He adores him. Yet, It is me that he connects with more than anyone else. Together we a close family unit. Maybe you should find something that only you and he do together. Mom and son bonding time.
    CelticFaerie

    Answer by CelticFaerie at 6:02 PM on Mar. 14, 2009

  • You can have a fun relationship with your child, but trying too hard to be their "buddy" is a recipe for disaster, IMO. It is hard because you want your child to want to be around you and have a good time, but more than anything you need to me MOM. My husband struggles with his because he had such a bad childhood. He tries too hard to just be "buddies" with our son and my son many times does not take him seriously because he does think of him more as his friend than his dad and someone in a position of authority. I don't know it this is even making any sense....sorry. I guess what i am saying is, there is a very fine line when it comes to our relationships with our children. First and foremost, it is our job to keep them safe, to love them, and to teach them respect. The friendship can come later when they are grown and more mature. Good luck...
    KTMOM

    Answer by KTMOM at 3:28 PM on Mar. 15, 2009

  • You sound kind of conflicted.....you ask about being his friend and you ask about getting him to be more respectful. Of course you want him to trust you but that isn't the same as being his "friend".
    Does his Dad tolerate his disrespect more or less than you do? Do you have different standards? Do you trust Dad's judgement to be appropriate with your son or does he treat him as a peer? Maybe you don't mean you want him to be your friend, but rather that you want to have a good relationship with him.That is different.As a Mom you can't really be his friend because you have the responsibility to be his parent. It is great to spend some time with him doing something fun and relating to him in a positive way.The good feelings might make it easier to address his behavior in a positive way rather than starting a fight.It is all about balance! And it is okay if hetalks to Dad about certain things, as long as Dad has good judgement
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 10:35 AM on Mar. 17, 2009

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