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A question about morality

My mom has worked very hard all of her life. I'm sure that this statement applies to most people's moms, but where my mom is different is that her mother has been entirely selfish and self centered, barely wavering when someone else is in need or making it all about her. My grandmother is in her seventies now and has numerous medical problems (some of which she brought on herself) and is living with us (that's right, it's a multi-generational household) doing nothing but complaining, moaning, and screaming ONLY when other people are trying to sleep. During the day light hours, though she is more than capible of communicating and participating in converstations, she does not. Is my mom wrong to put her in a nursing home? I don't think she is, but I am asking this question for her because I don't want her to beat herself up about it anymore seeing as how there are other people in the house who are just as sick as granny.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:46 AM on Mar. 16, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • If you've got the money and the time to search out a good nursing home, I think there is no harm in putting her there. Try talking to her first, tell her your concerns tell her your problems. If she's still unreasonable, then put her in a nursing home. The people that work in nursing homes know how to handle their patients. She'll be fine and she might even be happier than she is living with family.

    Answer by Erica_Smerica at 12:49 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Maybe with a warning. explain to her that she has proven herself capable and that if she continues to display behavior any differently at night then she does during the day then they(you, them whatever) will find somewhere else for her to live and to be taken care of. It's only fair that she follows your rules.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 12:49 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • I think it would be the best for everyone in this situation. Your Granny could get the help she needs she could be social with people her age, you just need to find the right one... it would bring such a sense of relief to your home in this case.

    Answer by MelaneesMommie at 12:49 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • No I don't think your mother is wrong if she puts her in a nursing home. Thats what nursing homes are for.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:52 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • No, it's not wrong. Better to do it while you folks still have some choices in the matter.

    My grandmother lives with us, and fell when she was alone. Didn't break anything, thank goodness...but the hospital told my my she had to go into a care facility. And unfortunately mom's first two choices said she needed too much care. We had to go to a third choice that just wasn't as good. Nona actually escaped from the place once! So much for quality, but we had very few choices available. My mom did feel guilty about that; if she'd started before the fall then Nona could have been in a better facility.

    At this point, you will have more options than you will if something really serious happens.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:56 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Just caught a typo. Nona LIVED with us. Past tense. She and my parents are all gone now.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:58 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Your poor Mama. The crap we put up with for family. If you can afford it and there is a "safe" and clean one, put granny in it for a while. See how it goes. Your Mom is a saint and it would be perfectly fine to do what's best for the rest of the household.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 12:58 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • No I do not think it is immoral to place her in a nursing home. When the relationship is strained from dysfuction or abuse I don't think it's ever "wrong" to decide not to care for a family member. Sure it would be great if it was working but it isn't. There is nothing to feel bad about. It sounds like your mother is devoted and loving which is A LOT more than many have to offer. Your Mom deserves a break from this, I can understand her guilt, but I really think it will be good for her. Do your research, ask around, and find her a good place. I wish you the best.


    Answer by BubbaLuva at 1:42 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Better that she put her in a home, and keep all relationships relatively intact, than that she be forced to put her in a home b/c everyone can't stand each other and gets to a "her or me" moment. My grandmother lived with us for a few months, until it got to the point where my father told my mother that either my grandmother went to a home or he was leaving. She had alzhiemer's, so that may be different from your situation. My mom felt a little guilty for a while, but she quickly realized it was the best thing for her. My grandmother got the care she needed, and the rest of us didn't resent her anymore for making life so difficult. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you can't handle everything, and to me, that is all your mom would be doing.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:00 AM on Mar. 16, 2009

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