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I need help

My fiance has two kids and loves to spend his time with them. His ex wife always calls him for everything. He recently got laid off and is hardly making money and paying his bills. He always gives her money and then pays his bills, then leaves hardly nothing for food, rent or for our new baby. She does not take his 2 to the daycare and she gets free insurance. So I don't know what she does with the money he gives her. I mean she should understand he needs to catch up on bills first. RIGHTHe is at her beckon call. I don't understand. I know we all need to love our kids and he's a wonderful father. I just want some time alone with him too, instead of always being stuck with his other ones. Am I being selfish? I am always complaining to him, so he will see how I feel and it's hurtine our relationship but he doesn't change nothing. Sometimes I feel I should leave but I have no way of contacting him for the babys sake. I am so lost

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:38 PM on Mar. 16, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • So you don't want to spend time with his other kids? That's odd....I hope I misunderstood.

    As far as money, he should give her exactly what the court has mandated and no more. If the kids need something, he can buy it and leave it at your house for them to use while they are there.
    munch12502

    Answer by munch12502 at 1:41 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • I do want to spend time but we have them all weekend every weekend. The weekend is our only time off. Here we are stuck babysitting and she is out having a good time. Sometimes he goes there during the week. The kids have EVERYTHING.. One boy has like 5 coats and they are ones NOT on sale. The buy socks and once used they get thrown away. It's pathetic.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Yes ,you are be selfish.You knew when you met him he had an EX-Wife and kids.
    If you wanted a man to yourself,, you should have met a man who has no kids and has never been married before.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • You're a step-parent. Which HAS to be ok with you on some kind of term. He has got to see his other children as much as he possibly can, or as much as he chooses. Don't take that from him.

    BUT! Just because he has other children does not mean that his family with you and your child should have to suffer the consequences and repercussions.

    I'd contact the courts, and see if there's a way to set custody or child support, and have the decision set in stone so there is no, "He's not giving my kids enough" or "She's getting it all". THAT'S a never-ending battle. Discuss with DH how you feel, get his reactions and reasoning, and ask to get it settled so you can try to get ahead at some point in your life because you're done living in the shadow of the ex and their family that has split.
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 1:49 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • "Here we are stuck babysitting and she is out having a good time."
    I have a problem with this statement. You may look at it as babysitting because they are not your kids. However, HE is not babysitting. HE is parenting. This is time with his kids. That isn't to say that he shouldn't be spending just as much time with the child you two share as well. Maybe he hasn't found a balance yet and he is just trying to make this parental separation thing as easy for his two older kids as possible. He shouldn't be faulted for that. He has a supportive responsibility to those kids both financially and emotionally. As for the child support, if he is paying an amount already set by the courts then he has no choice but to pay that amount and then try to work his bills around it. That isn't really up to the ex.
    In the end it sounds like you are trying to make him choose between you and his kids. I guarantee if you keep it up you will lose.
    sillyt

    Answer by sillyt at 2:47 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • I understand the "Here we are stuck babysitting and she is out having a good time." statement. Yes it does sound bad, but I understand. I have been in your shoes. I was resentful until I was able to see that the Ex was nothing. It may look like she is out having a good time but in reality she is probably lonely and looking for someone. All you can do is hope she finds someone that will be good to your step kids. My stepkids mom put them through an abuser for 2 years and now a overly jealous guy that gets mad at them for calling their dad DAD, He wants to be their dad and they get in trouble for hugging their real dad in front of the moms boyfriend. You should explain to your man that you are uncomfortable with him going over to her house during the week, or maybe you could go with him? Definitly go through the courts and use the set support to stop any overpayment. Don't complain too much. ;)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:08 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • I wish they didn't bash you.You were just being honest and saying what we other step moms think sometimes.My dh was at her becon call for along time.but after15 years of it, he finally got tired of it, and grew a back bone.Most dads in their situation, do the things they do out of feeling guilty.guilt from "ruining" their kids life, not being there every day, .Guilt from their ex wives who don't want to take the blame, so they throw their kids dad into a guilt trip.I used to feel like the other woman in my own home, because of his daughter.Because she treated me that way for years.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 3:51 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • its always hard to deal with other weather kids, parents, or friends but as a mother you have to find commom ground and deal with the fact that they were before you and if you decied to leave they will still be there don't gripe about it all the time bc you are only putting more pressure on him just deal with it its hard but what if you were the other woman would you want someone to feel like that about your child be the bigger person and love unconditional
    it will all work out for the good
    sasa314

    Answer by sasa314 at 5:20 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

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