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My step son (4yrs old) just told his mom that he would rather live with me...ADVICE

ok im a step mom to my husbands first child. he lives with us during the summer months and goes back to his mom in august. hes 4yrs old. ive never treated him any different then my own son when he is here..today he told his mommy that he would rather live at my house then with her. for the last week hes asked over and again when he gets to come to my house and live..this obviously upset her drastically...she is off the hinges right now and is blaming me for it all..im not sure what to do about it..i love her son like i love my lil boy they are brothers after all.. how do i get her to see that its not my fault..i refuse to treat him differently then my own when hes here..my last resort is DR PHIL this has been going on for 3yrs now. she blames me for the fall of her marriage and the distruction of her life. any advice would be great and please no negative comments i dont need it right now.

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connorsmom22607

Asked by connorsmom22607 at 3:31 PM on Mar. 16, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (16)
  • He's four and has figured out he can manipulate his mom by threatening to go live with you.
    timelessglass

    Answer by timelessglass at 3:37 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • part of me is happy that he loves me that much..but a part of me feels sad for her...am i a bad person for being happy he wants to be with me...
    connorsmom22607

    Answer by connorsmom22607 at 3:39 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Hi Connorsmom,
    Oh, I'm so sorry. I really don't know what to tell you. I'm a little baffled as to why its your fault that her marriage fell apart. Anyway, do you guys live close to each other? does his mom work and your home so he wants to be there. Its kind of strange for a 4 year old to be saying that. Do you know what is going on at home? What is he saying is the reason he doesn't want to go home?

    I work with kids that have all types of behavior. My other question would be what is his payoff in saying this to mom? Is she getting upset and giving him whatever he is asking for? There has to be a reason and there is a payoff but figuring it out could be a chore of its own. I would love to talk to you more. PM me or come join my chat tonight if you can.
    mrsrevjohnson

    Answer by mrsrevjohnson at 3:44 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • i think you and mom and stepson all need to talk together. see if he really wants to come live with you. its not always manipulation. kids are smarter than we give them credit for, yes they know how to manipulate to try and get their way but maybe he really does want to live with you. what are 's of living in either house? he needs to be told how things would be different. you may want him to live with you too, but dont push it, dont force it. yes he would be with his half sibling, but where does that leave mom? he'd have more privacy(as much as a 4yr old is allowed) at his mom's, but...see what i mean? he should be told the good and bad of living in either place. GL>
    m4m4

    Answer by m4m4 at 3:46 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Sound like he is an only child when he goes back home to his moms house. He perobably likes to play with your son that's all. He does not really understand what he is say at his age.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 3:46 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • hes not an only child he has another half brother at home they live in oklahoma and i live in maryland..so its a distance..the bio mom hasnt liked me from the start and this just adds fuel to her fire...yes i would like him to coem live with me because i know he would get the attention he needs since his mom works 3jobs now and he spends most of his time in headstart,daycare and at grandmoms house..it would make her life easier financially since we wouldnt ask for child support and it would giver her more time to spend with her other son.im torn..see why i wanted to got DR PHIL lol
    connorsmom22607

    Answer by connorsmom22607 at 3:51 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • I don't know what the situation is, but I would ask you to step in her shoes for a second. why does she have to work 3 jobs? Why does she blame you for her marriage falling apart? Can you try to emotionally put yourself in her situation. I can imagin that if she is working 3 jobs, she is exausted, over emotional, and already feels like she gets no time with her son. Then I bet on top of that, she feels like she has to share her baby. She may feel liek she lost her husband to you, and now she is loosing her son to y ou as well... now I am not saying this is your fault. Just asking that you emotionally be sensitive to her. As a mother, can you imagin being away from your son for a few months? And it may make her life finacially easier, but how heartbreaking is that for her to have to make that choice?
    daughteroftruth

    Answer by daughteroftruth at 4:11 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • I don't think you can udnerstand her emotions till you have been in her shoes. I don't understand all the detals.. but I am going jump out on a ledge and assume that her husband left her for you? Not saying there may not be other reasons behind it. But till you have been there, you can't understand how heart breaking that is. Sounds like she works her butt off for her kids, and then her baby doesnt' want to be with her because she has to work all the time to support them. I think as a mom I would hurt like crazy. My heart would be broken. If you did play a part in her life falling apart, then is it really to much to back off and allow her to be angry and deal with this in her own way. Does it really distroy your life if she is angry at you? Not trying to be negitive. Just trying to point out that you shoudl consider her emotions as well.
    daughteroftruth

    Answer by daughteroftruth at 4:18 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • Well he spends summers, which tend to be more fun just b/c its summer. You're home more while mom is always working and it sets mom off which gets a reaction and gets him attention.
    If SS brings it up to you, just tell him you love him too and you love to have him over but mommy loves him too and really misses him and he is sooooo special that you guys decided to share so that nobody got left out (something along those lines).
    DH or someone should bring up the fact that he is more likely than not trying to push her buttons.
    If she's workig 3 jobs with 2 kids she is prob. super stressed and overemotional anyways.
    MamiJaAyla

    Answer by MamiJaAyla at 4:22 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

  • my husband was well into the process of divorcing her long before i met him..and had never led her to belive that there was a chance of them getting back together...i do consider her emotions it would drive me crazy if my son didnt to live with me..all im asking her to do is to step back and reconginse that it may not be my fault that shes divorced...and to top it off she is working 3jobs to support her kids but no one told her to go off and have another baby and support it by herself...she shoudl have used a bit more caution on that aspect...
    connorsmom22607

    Answer by connorsmom22607 at 4:26 PM on Mar. 16, 2009

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