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Have you ever given up a child for adoption and then suddenly been reunited after over 10-15 years or more?

In 1983 I had a baby girl that I place up for adoption with some friends of a friend of mine. I barely knew them and they lived in another town and I thought this was best for all concerned. They had all the means of providing a good home for the child and under the circumstances this was the best discision for the child.
After 25 years the daughter I left behind, out of the clear blue calls me! I welcome her with open arms but at the same time I feel so guilty that I cannot do more for her. She now has two beautiful children of her own and there is so much I want to give all three of them. Not just spending time with them. Trying to give them everything that they possibly need and even things that they possibly want. Sometimes I find myself slightly depressed because I cannot give them everything. Should I be? Should I feel the guilt that I feel even though she tells me she had a good life. Help me here!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:34 AM on Mar. 18, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (7)
  • Just be there for her, accept her. Don't worry about getting her or your grandbabies anything. Or, if you do decide you want to do something nice, focus on the kids. Just let her know that your home is always open to her and her children.

    Answer by randi1978 at 9:46 AM on Mar. 18, 2009

  • Love her and have relationship with her! This is the best gift you can give right now. Try to let the guilt go! It will only rob you of your future together and will do nothing to change the past.

    Answer by mommyheymommy at 10:29 AM on Mar. 18, 2009

  • My son just found me yesterday!!! It has been 21 years. I can totally identify with what you're feeling. Plus I was just talking to my oldest daughter yesterday morning about "guilt" that she & I have been experiencing. I think you should try everything you can to not let guilt take over, I believe we all do what we think is best at the time. I agree with the other two ladies above, LOVE above all else!! It means more than any material thing could ever mean! Congratulations Mama/Grandma, & Best of luck to you!


    Answer by emf6874 at 12:31 PM on Mar. 18, 2009

  • I am on the opposite end of this spectrum, as I WAS the child that was given up 40+ years ago. I also was able to track down my birthmother and have a great relationship with her and my half siblings. She did what she thought was best for all concerned at the time and I, in turn, was blessed with incredible parents. You don't need to do things or buy things for them. I agree with the other ladies, just be a part of their lives as much as you can and enjoy your relationships with them. It is a blessing in and of itself that you've been brought together.

    Answer by spenml at 3:12 PM on Mar. 18, 2009

  • Congratulations on finding each other! What a blessing! I think this happens more often than you might think. I have a good friend that I've known for 35 years, and when we were 15 she was raped at a party and became pregnant. She decided to carry the baby to term and place him for adoption, against the protests of her family. They found each other about two years ago. Unfortunately, his parents are not supportive. I am an adoptive mom of two children, and we have very open adoptions. I wish they would not feel threatened and think she is a monster.

    My husband found out in 1999 that he has a sister who was placed for adoption when he was 3. I helped him to find her, and they keep in touch. She also has a relationship with her birthmother (my husband's mom). She had lost her dad just before we met her, then afterward lost her brother and her mom. I'm so glad we found each other!

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:49 PM on Mar. 18, 2009

  • be there for her and you shouldnt feel bad because obvious;y there was a reason for you putting her up for adoption and all at least she had a good life you may want to make up for that time but there's no need she is with you now

    Answer by Love_My_Lil_One at 10:52 AM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • The one thing I have learned about being a birth mother is that we, like all parents, do what we think is best for our children at the time - using our best judgement given the circumstances, information and resources at hand Letting go of our children to have a better life is a challenge all parents must face. As birth-parents, we choose to face that much sooner than most. It took courage, faith, and dedication to your child for you to make such a difficult decision, truly admirable traits. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Let go of the pain and the guilt. Otherwise, you may not be open to fully enjoy this blessed opportunity.

    Answer by Joyfulwahm at 4:56 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

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