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How do I get my soon-to-be step son to not recent me for "taking his dad's time" away from him?

My soon-to-be step son and I do not get along well at all. I can see that he recents me and his brother, (who shares the same dad). He is very minipulative. I mean, he knows how to work his dad and get us to fight and argue. Did I mention he is only 10, but he will say very rude and hurtful things to me, and if I say anything to his dad, he turns it around on me and says I did it! His mom is not around a lot and hasn't been for about 5 years, and she has been in and out of jail most of his life, but he lives with us now. I try to remind myself what he has been through, but I still have a hard time showing sympathy sometimes when he deliberately lies about me to his dad.

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:40 PM on Mar. 18, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (6)
  • You can't fix this. He needs to be the focus of his father's life. Unfortunately, this won't get better and will probably get worse when you guys get married. He is going to do everything he can to try and get control of his world, because his mommy and daddy screwed it up for him. He should not be going through this. He now has to suffer for the bad decisions they made. YOU will be the target because he sees you as the most immediate threat to his safety and stability.

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 11:53 PM on Mar. 18, 2009

  • More than anything, presenting a united front with your partner is very important. If your SS knows that he can manipulate you and his father into fighting or having problems, he will keep it up. If you show him that what he does is not going to effect your relationship, he will be more likely to realize he needs to stop. It sounds like the lack of consistency in his life has him testing limits and acting out because he feels abandoned by his mother and upset with his father for finding someone new. Sit down with your SO and talk to him about ways to present a united stand and show your step son that you are in this for the long haul and that he needs to be respectful and learn to function in this new family unit. Make sure your SO spends quality time with SS, and also that you spend quality family time together as well.

    Answer by KTMOM at 9:19 AM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • I was 9 when my dad and step mom got married. I did not like her at first either. It did get better as time went on. I got used to her being there and by the time I was 16 or so I liked her some. We had ups and downs and I didn't always apreciate the things she did for me at the time, and of course some things I resented. Looking back though (especially after I became a step mom myself) I apreciate her a lot more. I began sending her mothers day cards and telling her thank you for the things she did for me years ago, when I was in my 20's.
    The best advice I can give is just try to keep your own focus. Do not allow his mood to effect yours. Be strong and consistant. Not always easy, but in the long run everything will be okay. 8 years will go by sooo fast when you look back. He will be an adult before you know it, so try to find something to apreciate about him while he is young and build on that.

    Answer by AprilD32 at 12:03 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • You need to come first to your husband, and vice versa. Then TOGETHER AS ONE you take care of the kids. If he is going to constantly believe his son over you, this will never work. Plain and simple, it will not work. The household will constantly be divided. If you don't think this is something the two of you can do, then don't marry him. It will just get worse. I've been there, trust me. I can recommend some really good books too. So message me if you want to know what they are or just need to talk to someone who's been there.

    Answer by feesharose at 12:45 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Include him in the things you do. Show him he is AS important as dad is. He'll come around but it's going to take some time.

    Answer by grammijudi at 2:57 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Well, it is certainly a big conflict for him as he has been rejected by his own mother in one way or another and maybe he thinks he is being loyal to his mother by not completely accepting you....You described that his father is not always available either, so he may not feel as important as he should feel. It is a shame that you are the one there picking up the slack and it seems to you that he doesn't appreciate it...but he is just a kid. He needs to be taken care of in those ways. He would rather it be by his own parents. It isn't your fault...and he may eventually come around. But it is complicated and it isn't all his fault either. I think he needs more attention from his Dad and under no circumstances should he ever see his Dad taking your side over his side. That would only make the problem worse,when what he needs to see is that you are all on the same side. No one ever said it would be easy! I am sorry it is so hard

    Answer by BJoan at 9:57 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

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