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My daughter(4) isn't adapting the greatest to my SO...?

She will tell him things like "I hate you because your not my dad" or "I don't like you" and she will not say why. He tells her that he knows he isn't her dad but that he still loves her and cares about her very much. What can I do? She doesn't do it in front of me, he tells me about it. She is also telling people that she wishes mom and dad were together. I have no idea what to say to her :(

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san-1

Asked by san-1 at 11:30 AM on Mar. 19, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 10 (455 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Well, you could start by telling her that you like it when she expresses herself but that it's not acceptable to say she "hates" anyone. Also inform her that both her mommy and daddy love her very much but mommy and daddy can't live together (or whatever the situation is). Just keep reinforcing the positive in her but I wouldn't allow her to say she "hates" anyone. She's 4 and she just needs time to readjust.

    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 11:34 AM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • How long ago did you divorce her dad? And how long have you been dating BF?
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 11:35 AM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Children at the age of FOUR do not have the introspective skills or the verbal ability to explain what they are thinking! She doesn't like him. She sees your SO as a threat. She obviously knows and loves her father. Your daughter wants security, and you seem more worried about your grown SO?!

    Take some time to spend with your daughter. She is far more important that your SO. Take it from me, mothers who ignore their daughters in order to take care of their needs, have daughters that grow up to resent their mothers and eventually cut ties with them all together.

    My mother actually blamed me for her THIRD divorce, because the man didn't want to adopt me! How's that for a guilt trip for an 8 year old to have to deal with?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:36 AM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Her dad and I seperated when she was two, so I don't think she really remembers us together.

    She had found a couple photo albums that had old family pictures of her, her dad and I and hid them in her room. I took them and put away in my room. My bf just moved in a couple weeks ago, though we have been dating for a good year now.

    And for anonymous, My baby is far more important to me. If you look at the question, my concern is what to say to her and about her, not about him. Im sorry your mom did that to you, I do know what thats like. I also went through it. Thats why im concerned about this situation. I can not be with someone if my daughter and him will not get along.
    san-1

    Answer by san-1 at 11:59 AM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • this is a tough one. does she get a timeout when she says she hates him? does she say she's sorry? my son says he hates me, he gets a time out until he's ready to say he is sorry. thing is he tells me he hates me only when his pushover dad is around. His dad doesn't do much, I'm the one that has to deal with it. My son is 4 and loves to test the waters and see what he can get away with.I have 3 girls and when they were little I dated men and they loved the ones I brought around. Now that they are teens they will have that "he's not my dad" attitude towards my husband. I guess all I can say is to give her timeouts and make her say she's sorry.
    wheresthewayout

    Answer by wheresthewayout at 12:35 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Is her dad very active in her life?
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 12:37 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • She is suppose to see her dad E/O wknd. For the most part he takes her. But he leaves for a month or two on jobs every now and then, so she will go all that long with seeing him. That is about the only time he will see her.
    san-1

    Answer by san-1 at 9:51 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

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