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4 year old threatens to find a new mommy

She has got quite the attitude- she just threatened to replace me because I asked her to eat her dinner and quit playing... sigh...

it hurts all the more because their BF has a relatively new girlfriend living with him and she is having my kids call her mommy already (they've been together less than 6 months) They have been told they have two mommies now, and two daddies... they seem to understand the concept of step-parents but they don't use the term (for daddys they say daddy B______ and daddy S______)

So how do you handle this--- She goes to school so I have her only in the evenings and she is at BFs house every other weekend. I feel like my lil girl is slipping away.


Asked by LuckyClown at 6:38 PM on Mar. 19, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

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Answers (16)
  • Just an idea- maybe it's a security thing. She is four. Having a new mommy is confusing to her. Kind of like a child acting out because they really aren't sure of the rules, and the best thing to do for them is to enforce the rules. I would say don't show her it makes you mad, or even that it hurts. She needs to learn not to hurt other people's feelings, but maybe this isn't the best situation for that. Otherwise she will learn to use that as a way to control you or get back at you if she is mad. Make light of the comment-
    (Ticcled Blue - "As for her saying she was going to replace you....just tell her that a new mommy would still want her to eat her supper, too!")
    And then reinforce the rules- now, eat your supper.
    Good Luck!


    Answer by pat7879 at 8:20 AM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • How sad for you!!! If you are not comfortable with your children calling this new woman mommy, then you should have a talk with your ex. Six months is kind of soon.

    Just remember, YOU are always going to be her mother. This is just a phase, and it will pass. Just continue to show her unconditional love, and be firm when you need to be.

    Answer by Rebecca7708 at 6:44 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • She is playing you. Don't fall for it and stick to your guns and be patient and kind. Hopefully she will stop. I am sorry for your situation and hope it gets better.

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 7:03 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • I ignored it when she said it. Is that going to do it? I thought maybe I could show her it doesn't affect me-- but I also want her to be reassured that I AM there for her unconditionally- not just when I wanna be...


    Answer by LuckyClown at 7:08 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • I disagree. I think the first thing you do is talk to her about speaking in a hurtful way to people. Tell her she hurt your feelings and it isn't acceptable. I would also speak to her father about the Mommy thing.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 7:09 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • i would definately talk about the mommy thing. i talked to my SKs BM about my SS calling me mommy and she was okay with it - but he was the one who called me that. i have never expected them to call me mommy. they have always used my first name. Also, now that we know it is okay for him to call me that, we also don't push it. if he wants to he can, but if he just wants to use my first name he can do that too.

    also, yes she is playing you, but that doesn't mean that you can't discipline her for being disrespectful and having a poor attitude. She has to learn how to treat people.

    Answer by aly38914290 at 8:58 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Mine packed up thier diapers bags and were leaving, thankfully they couldn't unlock the chain!

    Don't let her play you, she has learned what button hurts and she is pushing it, it is completely normal.

    If the mommy thing is bothering you (would me if they weren't married) talk to the ex and let him know.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 9:24 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • My daughter said that for a few months whenever she couldn't do what she wanted. I used to tell her that it's ok to feel that way but I stilll love you.
    She out grew it and things are fine. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just reassure her you love her and don't show her that it affects you.

    Answer by SweetPeasMom2 at 10:20 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • If you're "allowing" her to call your husband "daddy" then you really say anything about her calling the girlfriend "mommy"...but it is wrong of the girlfriend to force it like that.

    As for her saying she was going to replace you....just tell her that a new mommy would still want her to eat her supper, too!

    She is playing you. My nieces (older than your daughter) have been trying to play one parent against the other for a couple of years now. I think the thing to do is NOT allow it to happen. It's a tough place to be in, I know (was a step-mom for a lot of years) but there are certain things which just shouldn't be allowed at any age....

    Answer by TiccledBlue at 7:21 AM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • I think your ex is treading in dangerous water by having your DD call his girlfriend mommy this early in the relationship. This can be very confusing and especially if their relationship does not work out then what. This is not appropriate and  you need to do is to talk to your ex. Mommy is a special word and should not be used so easily. I would tell your DD the next time they tell her to call her Mommy to inform her that she already has a Mommy. As you can see this situation has already taught her that if she does not like what you do that she can get a new mommy. Now I think everyone knows that if she had to choose one mommy who that would be but that does not mean she will not use this to manipulate you. Definitely talk with your ex and his girlfriend to set rules. Once she realizes that the rules are the same at both households she will most likely stop.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:47 AM on Mar. 20, 2009