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Question about contacting Birthfather

Friend is adopted and found her bm 8 years ago. Relationship is only a phone call once or twice a year. The relationship with bm is as much as she expected but strained. Bm finally told her the birthfather’s name and what state he lived in at the time of her conception. PI look into it and found 4 men who could be her birthfather. She has phone numbers and addresses for them. Bm didn’t want her to contact him b/c he didn’t know she was even pregnant. Now, the question. Suggestions on contacting these men to find out if one of them could be her birthfather? She is scared to call those number’s b/c if he is married she doesn’t want to cause him problems but really wants to find him. Birthmom didn’t want her to contact him b/c she is worried he would contact her and her other children don’t know. Has anyone had the kind of thing? How do you suggest she contact the men and what should she say?

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Asked by mrsrevjohnson at 11:18 PM on Mar. 19, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (44 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • My opinion... BM lost her right to ask anything when she put your friend up for adoption. It is your friends god-given right to know where she came from. It doesn't mean that they have to all get together for family picnics and shit, but he deserves to know he has a(nother) child... and if he turns his back on her then hey. She didn't lose anything she didn't have in the first place.

    Answer by paralegalmommy at 11:43 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Maybe I didn't explain it very well. she isn't really worried about birthmom's feelings as much as "how to contact" her birthfather.

    Answer by mrsrevjohnson at 11:45 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Maybe she can write them a letter or email & just explain the situation - tell BF everything especially how BM does not want to be contacted. And then leave it up to them to contact her.

    Answer by lanckn at 11:51 PM on Mar. 19, 2009

  • Birthfather doesn't anything about her and she is afraid to mail letter b/c she doesn't want to disrupt any of those men's families especially the ones that aren't her birthfather. She doesn't want to destroy anyone's family.

    Answer by mrsrevjohnson at 12:17 AM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • If she knows where they are I'd send a certified letter to each of them and see what kind of response she gets. Too bad about the bm and what she does and doesn't want.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:23 AM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • That is difficult because she can't pinpoint an exact man to contact and even when she does the man doesn't even know she exists.....he wasn't even aware of the conception or the adoption, so he has no emotions about this. He would be getting a cold call from a person who claims to be his daughter....will he even remember the birth mother? She didn't know him well enough to tell him about the pregnancy... I can only imagine the calls would be extremely difficult to make, and I don't know if I could even bring myself to do it. I imagine she is highly motivated.... She could hire a private investigator to handle it. And it all depends on what her goal is.....the man may be so confused since it is a complete shock to him that it might be painful for both of them. It is a difficult situation.

    Answer by BJoan at 9:09 AM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • Do a report on him threw intellus, that will tell you everything basic about him. I did that cause my mother had a real problem with me even trying to contact him in the first place.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:33 PM on Mar. 21, 2009

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