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Contacting Birthfather

Friend is adopted and found her bm 8 years ago. Relationship is only a phone call once or twice a year. The relationship with bm is as much as she expected but strained. Bm finally told her the birthfather’s name and what state he lived in at the time of her conception. PI look into it and found 4 men who could be her birthfather. She has phone numbers and addresses for them. Bm didn’t want her to contact him b/c he didn’t know she was even pregnant. Now, the question. Suggestions on contacting these men to find out if one of them could be her birthfather? She is scared to call those number’s b/c if he is married she doesn’t want to cause him problems but really wants to find him. Birthmom didn’t want her to contact him b/c she is worried he would contact her and her other children don’t know. Has anyone had the kind of thing? How do you suggest she contact the men and what should she say?

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Asked by mrsrevjohnson at 11:51 PM on Mar. 19, 2009 in Adoption

Level 4 (44 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • An adoptee friend of mine called the person he thought was his father and started with "are you...? Did you 19..? If so then that's good news for me and I hope that's good news for you." I thought that was a nice way to start.

    Could your friend Google Image the name and see which one looks like her and which ones she can eliminate?

    I have mixed thought on the birth mother situation. On one hand I want to condemn her for lying and keeping secrets. On the other I understand that in the old days there was so much shame heaped on birth moms and they were told never to tell, so who can blame her. Either way your friend has the absolute right to know who her father is and have a relationship with him if she wants.


    Answer by onethentwins at 12:40 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • To give a child up for adoption is one thing but to never even KNOW you have a child, that man is still her Father - he never was given the option to give up his rights. Biomom should have told him and any consequences of her dishonsty are on her.

    Although I am normally not open to reunifications of ex-famililes - (as you all know) - I have a different opinion when one parent wasn't given the knoweldge he was a parent (I say he because how coudl SHE not know...)

    Is there something wrong with her Dad that she is lookin gto find this man?

    Answer by Praying at 4:55 PM on Mar. 21, 2009

  • mrsrevjohnson, I wih only to add, that this adult whom has had their entire life controled by others, with no choice in the NOT responsble for others whom have or have not been truthful in THEIR lives. The adult whom seeks their true heritage, and only wishes to KNOW whom they really are, should feel absolutely no shame in contacting these perspective firstdads. It can be done tactfully, as onethentwins stated earlier. EVERY person has the RIGHT to know of where they came from, for many many reasons. Give her/him any and all assistance in helping her/him achieve this. My opinion only,Blessings...C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 4:25 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • Just one quick thing I must add...Praying above me, made a statement something about.."is there something wrong with her dad, that she is looking for this man? WHAT? This could be very personal to him/her, and most certainly may very well have nothing to do with the parents whom raised them. It is a persons' inherent RIGHT to know who they are..plain and simple! Blessings... to all C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 4:30 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • further to what the last two posters said. When an adoptee goes searching for their birth parents it is absolutely no reflection on how good the aparents where! aparents, if your child searches, don't feel bad. It does not mean that you failed.


    Answer by onethentwins at 8:59 PM on Mar. 23, 2009

  • I'd send a letter out to all of them with just a few basic details. Include in the letter that you're not wanting to cause any harm to the man's family but is interested in information. Also state that this letter is being sent out to several men. This way if his wife(?) Kids (?) happen to come across the letter there's no harm done. You also need to keep back one vital piece of information so that if someone does say he's the one then you can ask them about that one thing.

    As far as the bm goes I'd say forget her and get the information you want/need unless she has stated that she kept it all secret due to abuse or something similar.

    Answer by baconbits at 11:32 AM on Mar. 24, 2009

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