Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Question for adoptees

This question has stemmed out of another question asked on here.
Is it really wrong of the adoptive parents to tell the adopted child they could not conceive a child? Such as a woman who has had cancer or other problems and had to have a hysterectomy or was left unable to carry a child. Would it really bother the child if the mom said "I was very sick (or another reason) and my tummy isn't able to hold a baby"? Eventually the child is going to grow up and realize the reason why most adoptions (especially domestic infant adoptions) occur is because a couple is unable to have biological children. Even young children may make the connection of "Well, why did I grow in Birthmom's tummy and not your tummy?". Wouldn't it be better to be truthful or is it really in the adoptee's best interest to wait til their older or until they figure it out on their own?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:34 AM on Mar. 20, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • Ahhhhh - thanks! I'm glad that you've got some answers from adoptees and it looks like thus far that the concensus has been that knowing your adoptive parents struggled with infertility isn't a harmful thing to know at all! It's the truth, and just as valid a part of the story as any other part of the story.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:43 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • OP-I just wanted to add that I agree that the term "our own" children should never be used, but that it can be explained to the child in a postive way.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:36 AM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • I would think that if that were your reason, you should be honest. I don't know. My belief is that God builds each family in the way that he chooses. Sometimes kids stay with the mothers that give birth to them, and sometimes because of circumstances, God uses adoption to bring children into their families.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:53 AM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • I do not think it was wrong of my mother to tell me I was adopted and that she was unable to have kids. I have always known that I was adopted and I wouldn't change that for the world. If my parents would have hidden that from me my whole life, then I found out when I was older, I would have felt deceived. When kids are young, they do not need the exact reason you chose adoption, only after they are old enough to realize what is being told to them do I feel they should get the whole truth.


    My parents told us very early that we were adopted, but only explained why when we were older and asked the questions. My parents were (and still are) always open on the subject. They have never turned away from our questions.

    IZs_mommy

    Answer by IZs_mommy at 12:04 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • In adoption, secrets and lies = bad. Truth and openess = good.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:32 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • I think you should always be honest. Being Korean my parents had to explain things early on b/c we looked different but I never felt strange. My mom always said she could have tried to have children but she did have some female issues. She never fully said what kind of problems she had but its her personal stuff I don't need to know. When I was recently pregnant with my son in Oct 08, my dad said that my mom probably didn't wanna go through the pain of pregnancy. and also for a while they didn't think they wanted kids. When my mom was little girl she always had the idea of adoption and helping kids. So I think after a while they wanted to adopt. I was 6 mon old when I came over here. It didnt ever matter that I was not "blood" related. they were very much my parents and are still amazing parents. we had a very close open relationship and I always could talk to them about anything. they gave me all the paper work to
    mommylovesu28

    Answer by mommylovesu28 at 1:02 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • Our children are too young to understand, but we will be very honest about the path that lead us to adopt them. They will know at first that I did not give birth to them and eventually I'm sure they'll know about all the miscarriages I had. I am my children's guide through life, so no I will not let them just figure it out on their own but I'll tell them the truth. I went to through a lot of pain and heartache, but if that's what it took to get these two exact little ones, I'd do it again a hundred times. So even though we did adopt because I couldn't birth a child, it was never ever a question of adoption being second best. I always think of adoption when I hear the song "God Blessed the Broken Road (That Lead Me Straight To You)."
    MommyAddie

    Answer by MommyAddie at 1:41 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • I am a birthmom, but after 20 years was lucky enough to remeet our son (Tim). I meet his parents before Tim was born and the parents came to see us at the hospital. We sent letters back and forth for a couple years and I recieved pics until Tim was about 7. His parents told him from the beginning that he had a birthmommy that was to young to care for him, but loved him so much that she placed him with trust into new parents arms. He has even told us when he was full of questions about adoption his parents bought a doll for him to adopt to be his to love. (When repeating the story to us he said it was corny, although I think it was sweet). He was about 5 yrs. when his parents adopted another child so he got to see first hand how much love it took. Even now we have a bigger extended family. My bf and I were married years ago and now have more children. So now Tim has more sibblings that he is getting to know.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:10 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • As an adoptee this doesn't bother me - it "is" why my adoptive parents looked to adoption to form their family. It is just as part of our shared story as why we could not remain in our birth families and can be shared in an age appropriate and honest way from the beginning.

    Maybe I missed something? Were adoptees offended at hearing their adoptive parents story?
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 4:42 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

  • Port Angeles - In another post it was being said that when telling an adopted child "their story" it should not be said that their adoptive parents couldn't have biological children (if that was the case). I think it's perfectly acceptable because it usually IS the reason why they adopt and I believe they should be told the truth. Big deal if that was the case "Some mommies carry their babies in their tummy and some can't and some kids have one mommy that loves them and you have two". So, I was curious to see if in fact it did or would bother adoptees if they were told their adoptive parents could not conceive.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on Mar. 20, 2009

close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN